Just Maybe

"PUTUS ATAU TERUS"

Aku sedang bertanya tanya

Tentang perasaan kita

Benarkah kita saling mencinta

Atau hanya pernah saling cinta

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bila kamu tanya aku maunya apa

Aku mau kita trus bersama

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar ohh..

Hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan 

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Lately banyak cerita sedih among my friends. The husband of my office mate passed away due to covid 19. My ex colleage, the husband now in ICU intubated due to covid stage 5. Al fatihah to both of them. Harapnya korang kuat hadapi ujian dunia ni. Meanwhile.. ujian aku pun berbeza. I'm fighting everyday untuk kembalikan hubungan macam sedia kala. Allah masih bagi aku peluang. Tapi mungkin terlalu lama MCO aku ke yang mental? Atau instinct aku yang fail?

Aku manusia.. Aku pun tau letih. Too tired to fight. Tak tau apa yang aku fight. Until today.. I'm not fighting anymore. Just a total silent. It's okay. Sometimes aku tau, 'pandangan' dia tu menyatakan that I'm not that good, that judgemental look at me when there were days yang I tak really productive, maybe. I never judge u when u are on your unproductive mode. Laying in bed, phone 24 hrs.

Just. Whatever. I had enough. I don't know if I'm living a lie or it's just me yang tak nak percaya.

I had enough of 'owh harini letih sangat, balik kebun', 'penatnya kayuh basikal. tak larat.', .. For me, it just meant one thing, u just had enough of me. Just say it to my face. Instead of just lying everytime. To me, and to yourself.

Maybe I should recite Al-Fatihah to myself.

Sometimes I wish I would be gone but life is not as simple as that. Orang dah tak nak, buat apa nak stay. 

I did visualize myself, working somewhere in the country that is dear to me someday, leaving everything behind. Sometimes, I would visualize other things, macam one fine day bila dah tua we will spend our days with the cucus.. pegi kebun etc. But the latter seems better. 

Maybe I should just brace it and let go. Afterall, a happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Maybe I should just let it slide and move on.

Just maybe.