Essential Oil

 I minta essential oil from my husband today. 

Pinjam gambar

Dia transfer je suruh I beli. But before that suruh I tengok shopee la lazada la berapa price dia. Siap cakap kalau I suruh dia beli towel dia taknak. Its Norwex la.. towel pulak. Don't care. I nak yang ni so he has to buy it. 

I gaduh over unnecessary thing. We made up and move on as usual. Biasalah perempuan memang akan selalu menang walaupun salah. Hakikat yang husband I masih belajar nak terima.

This morning I pergi cycling lagi.. Solo je. As usual.

See these view...

Hello matahari

End of the park

Semalam I macam takut nak habiskan pusing satu taman sebab depan tu sunyi. But today I manage to habiskan. The view is so worth it. Tak rasa penat pun maybe sebab stamina dah build up. So ok je... Got few new friends today. Even ada yang ajak I join group basikal.. But for now I dont think so haha.. Dekat hujung tasik ni.. I sorang je. Whatsapping my husband this picture... then he replied..

"Kayuhla laju2 then balik rumah"

LOL.

Then a guy honking and blocking my way.. turn out that dia nak number I. His friends pun ada.. and jokingly teasing him sebab dia buat macam tu. I smiled and ignore jelah.. I bother to smile sebab dia quite good looking jelah or else #matakeatastangankebahu . Sis gurau je janganla bitter. Hehe.. I cerita part atas je dekat husband I. Bila gaduh a bit tadi baru I cerita part yang orang minta number ni. Dan2 jela cakap sumpah sayang I semua.. Hahahaa.. I know.

My sister joined me later today at the park with my 2 nephew. I was about to finish dah.. Then lepak my house. Husband dia kerja sampai pukul 5 today.. So chill jelah harini.

Dah keluarkan siakap and daging for today's lunch. I guess I have to start cooking. Hehe..

Till then peeps! 💖

Favourite escape

Woke up at 6.30am yesterday.. Then off to my favourite place.. nak naik basikal. Solo je since husband dah balik g kerja. Tapi i suka je sebab i boleh ikut my own pace. 

I woke up to this. Motivation i untuk bangun tengok sunrise... every morning.. Get my daily dose of vitamin d. 😀

Finished watching movie titled 'adrift' on netflix. Cerita pasal young adventurous couple pergi sailing then terperangkap dalam ribut dekat lautan pacific. Based on true story.. remind me of cerita 'life of pi' a lot. Stranded dekat laut.. trying to survive.

Habis cycling, I stopped by dekat tempat itik. Uncle ni tengah nak bagi makan dekat itik2 sini. I minta nak masuk tengok. Suppose tak boleh masuk but dia bagi je. Those ducklings... cute sangat. Really enjoy the nature bila datang sini.

Bila u naik basikal, laju sikitlah u nak pusing every corner of this park kan.. Seram sikit pergi sorang2 sebab sometimes jalan sunyi.. Depan sikit ada orang.. then sunyi balik. Macam tu lah. Weekend2 macam ni jela aktiviti i. Sambil try to shed few kgs sambil tengok nature. 

💖

No more asking why

25.2 2021, 2.30am.. had my menses. No wonder I'm full on nonsense these past few days.

Had nothing since this morning. Patut puasa je kan. I memang nak puasa, but I know, it is almost that time of the month, tak nak jadi macam bulan lepas.. 6.50pm I figure out that I had my menses. Sikit lagi nak buka puasa huhuhu..

After this, I puasa jelah all the way throughout the month.. at least I can shed some weights hehe.. Tak lama dah nak puasa. Less than 45 days. Talked to myself on the mirror, look into my eyes and I think I had enough. Myself should do what she's gotta do. No more living in grief. If that someone really wants her, then he'll make effort for it. Or else. It doesn't matter.

My mantra of losing weight this time is..

"Don't eat nonsense or else u'll look exactly like a fat bitch macam that babi penyondol"

Ok. Make sense. Bagus juga kau gemok. Coz I am not u. And I don't want to be like you, breathe the same air as u, look like u, and I don't want to be everything like u. That's it. I'm not going to the place you go, I'm not using the same brand, even the colour of the car u use, and your nonsense fashion sense. Whatever reminded me of u, I'll detach myself. So, u perempuan gemok, I'm so not gonna be gemok like u.

So far, menjadi ya. Bila I rasa nak makan, or minum air manis I will chant this mantra to myself.

Sounds cruel kan I. U should know why I jadi macam ni. And u know exactly why.

Yesterday, 24th Feb at night, 2nd birthday celebration of my MIL. This time with her friends and relatives. Party started at 8.30pm.. Arrived home around 10.45pm. I do not mingle much sebab masih cuba jaga SOP. So far ok je went as planned.

Today I plan to go buy my daughter's necessities for school, since school will reopen on 1st March 2021. Hopefully the government didn't make a uturn this time. Too tired already.

Today also we have ACM meeting for Q4 2020. I get ready jelah if CFO needs assistance. 

Petang i'll bring the kids for cycling ke ape dekat taman. Tomorrow I'll work from office. That's how dull my life is haha. Oh ya, tak de roadblock dah so cepat je sampai rumah, Tak jemmm otak pikir road block 😒

Xoxo 💗

The First Hello

Petang 2005. I dengan kawan2 i baru keluar dewan kuliah. We were in different practicum tapi dalam dewan kuliah yang sama, F6. I nampak this guy, staring at me dari bawah tangga.. masa I tengah rancak borak gosip2 dengan kawan2 I. I remember vividly that moment... with u smiling broadly at me. But I didn't smile back.

Second time, I remember walking with a friend to bilik lecturer, dekat jambatan tu.. we crossed path. I ingat lagi perasaan I masa tu. Feels like a really strong chemistry. But I ignored it. Didn't even glance at you, or smile pun. I don't know about u.. tapi when I asked it now, u also remember that very moment I wore my silver kurung. Yes, i memang wore that baju that day.

Third very clear moment I remember when I walked with my friends on a stair, going to tutorial class, I looked downstairs, and our eyes locked, u smiled broadly again at me. This time, I smiled back, and straight away went to class.

Told all my six bestfriends that I got a crush on u, simply because I like chinese looking guy wearing a spectacles. And it matches your features. I never gave hint to u ever that I really like u. We never talked, we never really knew each other.

One day u texted me. I happy sangat crush i text sampai I terus pergi bilik my friends and bgtau everything. They knew I had crush on u all these while, and when u texted me first, it was the happiest day of my matric life. 😉 

The first phone call. U minta izin untuk call i for the first time. So. Freaking. Nervous. Sebab we never talked with each other depan2. Tapi after that, we could talked for hours, tapi tak pernah betul2 dating atau jumpa sepanjang dekat matric. U did initiate to meet, tapi I always giving excuses, I don't know why.

The first date. Midvalley. We were both dekat uni dah. But different uni.. U wore black polo Tshirt with jeans and u looked so handsome. Even until now. Hm.. U bought me big mac, and we watch movie titled 'The Break Up' starring by Jennifer Aniston. U choose the movie, sebab I pernah break up dengan u for few months. Which I also don't know why I did that. 

U halalkan i after 7 years knowing each other. I remember on our wedding night, u told me,

"Ingat ni, walau apa pun jadi, kita jangan berpisah"

And u hugged me, kissed my forehead and cry. I don't understand. Maybe it came from your heart. 

We were happy. We had babies, we had lovely family, we have career, basically we have almost everything. Until 15 Oct 2020.

The revelation of something that I cannot accept.

My fairytale wedding is not really a fairytale anyway. I wish I could run and never turn back. But running away won't solve problems, lagi2 I ada anak2 I. I can't live without them.

And I died, on that very day. The wife who loved her husband wholeheartedly has died. I live my life in grief. Because when I though it was a fairytale, turned out it is not. At least, that is what I thought after finding out the truth.

There's this new me. Fighting everyday for this marriage. Searching for my old soul. Yang tak berhenti sayangkan husband dia sepenuh hati. But I failed everyday. The more u tried to apologise, the more effort u put to win me back, the more hurt u get in return from me. I can never be the same after that date. She has died. U cannot force me to go back being her, again.

I love u, and I really don't want u to get hurt everytime. Deep down, I hurt myself too. I want u to seek for the happiness that u always looking for. I taknak semua perasaan kesian tu. Just follow your heart. One day I akan terima, even bukan sekarang. U know I love u too much.. tapi orang yang I sayang tu, is orang yang before 15 Oct, orang yang tak pernah luka kan I, yang sayang I sorang dengan anak2 je, orang yang sombong dengan perempuan lain sebab tahu status dah berpunya. 

6 bulan. 

Tempoh bertenang yang U minta dari I. Selama tempoh bertenang ni, I manage to find a bit of myself, walaupun tak sepenuhnya lagi. I have yet to decide, whether to stay or to move on. Today, we fight again, bila u jauh. But I tak rasa apa2. I feel numb and no feelings. Why?

The phrase from our wedding nights keep repeating in my head. I harap ni doa mujarab yang boleh selamatkan kita. I love u too much sampai I nak tengok u happy. Don't force yourself to be with me. It made me even more deeper in grief. If happiness u ada dekat I, then biarlah memang hati u nak macam tu. If not, u may find your own happiness... elsewhere. As I always mention to u, sayang I dekat u is sebanyak sayang u dekat i. So, lama2 i akan ok. Dont worry about me. Im ok.

Tentang hari ini

Hari ni, 21 February 2021, Sunday, husband balik semula ke offshore, prior to that kena mandatory quarantin for 2 weeks @ Pullman. His flight depart 9.10am in the morning. 

I have my reason kenapa dan mengapa I tulis semua ni which I prefer to keep it to myself. This time, berat sikit hati nak lepaskan, deep down I tahu I belum cukup kuat.

Separated again for at least one and a half month, as usual. Sumpah makin lama I makin tak kuat nak hidup macam ni. It has been 9 years. Since 2012. Friday night, I settle my reports requested by my CFO that will be due esok, Monday morning. Sebab I tak nak kacau my weekend with family, so I finish the report at 3am, terus submit. Saturday morning, my husband and I went for grocery shopping to stock up barang and later on the evening our family went to Titiwangsa just to spend time together.

Balik from Titiwangsa we singgah rumah in law, coz today husband I dah nak fly. Sampai rumah pukul 9pm, I terus bersilat kat dapur sebab I nak make sure I bekalkan his favourite choc chip sea salt cookies and lunch untuk esok (hari ni). Dapatlah 2 balang untuk husband I makan masa kuarantin.

Cookies dough I dah prepare before we went out to Titiwangsa, basically I cuma mould it and bake dalam oven jelah. Concurrently doing that, I masak daging berempah masak hitam ala kenduri resepi che nom for my husband. Siap semua benda around 11pm, I mandi and we Isya' together. Dalam fikiran I, tomorrow Subuh jela last dia boleh imamkan I before dia balik 😭

I dah janji dengan diri I, I will do the best for this marriage, so that I tak menyesal if anything happen. Sebab yang penting, I dah buat sedaya upaya I. To be honest, I bukan lah seorang yang tahu masak, but at least I cuba. Never in my whole life my mom would let me buat cookies ke, masak ke.. sebab my mom is a typical housewife yang nak buat semua benda sendiri. Then I dah masuk boarding school start from Tingkatan 1, uni etc, memang I tak berkesempatan nak belajar masak pun. All these while I belajar guna utube. I pun tak tahu sejak bila I jadi pandai masak. At least boleh la masak benda yang edible. Haha.

He hugged me tight last night. Betul2 dari malam sampai ke pagi. Patutah I bangun macam sakit leher. Normally memang tidur we will hug each other tapi takdelah sampai ke pagi. Bila dah deep sleep kita pun pandai cari port selesa. Memang tak lah berbantalkan lengan dia je sampai pagi. But yesterday memang everytime I drifted apart dia akan tarik I balik. Hm.. Suddenly I terbangun sebab he kissed my forehead lama sangat I think around 5am macam tu. And he cried. I terkejut kot why! Pagi2 dah nangis. And he taknak bagi tau. Cakap pms la apela.. memang tak la nak guna excuse I kan.

Finally dia cakap, he cried sebab kesian tengok I struggle masak untuk dia. Then he told me he want to do his very best for me and the kids. I jenis kalau orang nangis, I pun akan ikut nangis jugak. Sedihla.. Dalam hati I, he do love me, but at the same time, fikiran I cakap he did that sebab kesian dekat I macam struggling sangat for this marriage. I tak tahu kenapa I jadi macam ni. I just nak make sure dia cukup makan, happy bila dengan I and anak2. Pasal hati dan perasaan dia sendiri, I tak boleh baca, cukuplah I cuba the very best I can selagi I boleh buat. I sendiri tak tau apa yang I buat ni betul ke tak. Cuma I betul2 taknak menyesal if I tak buat. Tu je..

I can see that kind of perseverance and determination dalam diri my first born. She learned to cycle herself. She practise everyday just to get the balance. I sampai kesian tengok dia berpeluh2 dahaga practise. And finally she made it! Sama macam I, once I nekad, I'll just do it. People might find it pitiful tapi sebenarnya I buat untuk diri I.

Priceless

💗

Life is a journey

Not a destination

I no longer showing my love through words, I think. I showed it through my action. Words ni no more impactful for me, at least.

He did update everything, bagi gambar proof even though I tak minta. I sampai rasa I kejam. Tapi, benda2 ni I tak rasa I perlukan pun. Sebab, trust, it take years to build, seconds to break. I might believe, tapi bukan 100%. Dulu I pernah je minta macam ni. Tapi tu dulu lah. Sekarang ni, I tak perlukan lagi.

I do love my husband. But I don't want to be fooled by words anymore. I harap we will reunited back di syurga nanti. Tetap jodoh I sampai syurga sebab he deserve it. I always pray for him.. everytime. What I pray is between Allah and me, I cuma doakan yang baik2 untuk dia. I je isteri yang tak sempurna. So, my resolution this year, I will do my very best to be the perfect version of myself. For myself.

Tipulah kalau I cakap I tak sedih. It kills me inside. As a wife, memang I sedih atas semua yang jadi. Tapi I pun faham, Allah tak jadikan benda yang berlaku tu sia-sia. Indirectly, I lebih dekat dengan Allah, I lebih appreciate masa dengan family. Walaupun hati I ni berdarah-darah kena siat lepastu tabur garam n perah limau lagi. I wish seluruh keturunan I dijauhkan dari perosak rumah tangga orang. 

I pun pernah muda tapi persoalannya kau muda ke pompuan?, pernah kena chase, tapi jauh sekali nak keluar dengan lelaki yang bergelar suami orang. Coz I have respect for the family. I harap Allah jauhkan keluarga dan keturunan I dari manusia macam ni. Perempuan yang tak de batas. Berlindung di sebalik agama. Cukuplah kot berdoa dekat facebook, tapi disebaliknya takde rasa bersalah pun. Tetap acah2 suci. I bukan orang yang baik pun. Freehair je smpai 20an. Tapi batas kemanusiaan tu insyaallah I tetap jaga. So that takde hati yang terluka sebab I. 

So sampai sini jelah coretan hari ni. I nak bake cake dengan my babies pulak sebab dah janji.💋

Sabar dan Syukur

I teringat in a meeting with my boss's boss, he did mention that 2 benda paling panting if u nak hadapi hidup is "Sabar" dan "Syukur".

As I grew much wiser, baru I faham what he meant by that. Bila u sabar, Allah naikkan darjat u. Bila u syukur, Allah limpahkan lagi rahmat dan rezeki dekat u. Bila masalah datang, sabar. Bila dapat rezeki, syukur. U takkan have high expectation on people, except Allah. Dengan itu, u takkan kecewa bila apa yang u harapkan dari makhluk, u tak dapat.

I sometimes sedar tau, rezeki yang Allah alirkan untuk I ni, sometimes Allah bagi through orang lain. For instance, I pernah dreamt of getting a car macam Nissan Murano masa I remaja dulu. Specifically in black. I minat sangat Murano masa tu laa.. but then now, husband I belikan black SUV jugak, way better than what I had wished for previously. In 2020 I did jot down my VB, that I want to achieve 3 things in that particular year. And I manage to materialise 2 of it, yang ketiga tu memang tak dapat sebab Covid. 

I pernah buku 'The Secret' masa I dalam pantang deliver anak kedua. I remember vividly masa tu, I rasa amazed dengan apa yang I baca sebab somehow it happen in my life without realising it. Basically, what u attract, u'll get it. Sooner or later. It's your subconscious mind yang do all the job. U akan bergerak ke arah apa yang u fikirkan. That's why it is important to have vision board. Or at least u kena fikir yang baik2 je untuk hidup u. Benda baik2 akan datang.

I nak cakap thank you dekat husband I for new Ariani tudung. Since MCO, I dah lama tak beli tudung. Ada jugakla terlepas beli, biasalah perempuan kan. Tudung penuh almari pun still tak tahu nak pakai tudung apa. 😂

I nak cakap thank you jugak dekat CFO i, belanja Dubuyo. Fret not, I dah report dekat coach I, memang lah kena bebel but she insists that I should work out to burn semua benda yang I dah telan haha. Okay2...

Then thank you again dekat husband I sebab bawa I pergi kedai bunga dekat CM, and belikan I bunga, and also bagi I dua budak untuk ubat sunyi I.

💗

Hiduplah seperti anda akan mati esok hari

Assalamualaikum..

Kembali menulis hari ini.. before this, didn't spend my time here sebab I nak spend quality time with my family. Today, dah hantar husband g airport balik kerja I think, this is the right time to express what had happened in my life this week.

I dengar lagu from Anneth, Mungkin Hari Ini, Esok atau Nanti.. The melody.. lirik memang buat I berfikir, I should live my life as if esok I akan mati. Live the present moment. Cherish everything around. I tahu, hati I masih belum pulih sepenuhnya tapi I try my best to live my life as what it should be. 

My class with Sunway TES will start this coming March, via online platform. At least I buat something yang membina for myself. I taknak my future self menyesal if I tak act on what I want now. In terms of our relationship as husband and wife, I must say that deep down I know..... he tried hard to win me over again, to gain back that trust.. I sedih bila ingat all his effort, I harap one day I mampu reply back everything that he deserve. 

I sejenis perempuan yang.. lahir dari adik beradik yang semua perempuan, so basically I bukan seorang yang kasar. Tapi, I rasa my upbringing tu lebih menjadikan I perempuan yang tabah and no nonsense. My dad, anak kampung yang keluar dari kepompong keluarga yang susah, tapi Allah kurniakan kebijaksanaan dekat my dad, so dia dapat further study dekat US, master di UK, so dari kecik, my dad seorang yang tak pandang harta, tapi sangat menitik beratkan pelajaran untuk anak2 perempuan dia. Satu pesanan yang I pegang sampai sekarang, don't ever quit your job. Jangan jadi perempuan yang tak bekerjaya sebab kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future. He's a man so he know. Dia nak anak2 perempuan dia ni, ada pilihan dalam hidup untuk setiap keputusan perlu dibuat. 

I kenal my husband at the age of 18, got married at 25, masa tu husband I belum kerja, tapi dah grad in engineering. I grad dulu sebab husband I panjang sikit jalan dia tu before he grad degree. So I yang kerja dulu. Regardless of that, my dad agree je kitorang get married sebab dia kenal husband I, and husband I pun eventhough masih belum start kerja yang stable, dia dah siap kumpul duit hantaran and kenduri semua so memang cukup sangat nak kahwin. I remember, masa study lagi pun dia dah kerja part time, weekend, or semester break semata nak halalkan kitorang. One thing my dad cakap, husband I ada degree so dia boleh accept. Now I faham why. I will pesan to my kids the same thing. No hurt feelings, u are free to have your own preference.

From today onwards, in fact few months before this pun, I dah start live my life as if I will die tomorrow. I tak nak menyesal. At the same time, everyday is a learning process. I hope I can be better for myself, and orang sekeliling I.

 

Love Story (Where Do I Begin)

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
There'd never be another love, another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs , with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go I'm never lonely
With her around, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand-it's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

I love your sambal udang

Hi there 💓

Yesterday whole family felt bit fatigue so semua tidur awal. Even masa tu pukul 9 pm something pn I dah macam moody2 nak tidur haha.. Then husband I tanya why you takde mood etc? He always akan stress bila I takde mood. Then I said I dont know.. U urut kaki i lah. But I dozed off kot.. I tak tahu la dapat urut ke tak I rasa semua tertidur je kot. 

Then this morning kan.. I terjaga pukul 4.15am. Told my husband kita dah lambat ke? U dah subuh? Actually bila tengok jam ala baru kul 4 lebih kee tapi tak ngantok pulak.. But then sambung cuddle and tidur jela smpai subuh around 6.10am 😄

Right after prayers semua kita terus g park to work out. First time I nak bawa java bike I and twas a success hahhaa.. Still got that skill lol.

View like this... subhanallah 💓

Normally we will jog around 1 full round tau.. Tempat ni besar kot.. Ada naik bukit, turun bukit, tanah rata, somehow challenging jugakla especially coach potato macam I. Husband I self claimed yang dia athletic so whatever 😶

Today I did cycle one round.. and he jog one round. The first bukit yang I cycle tu kan bapaklah seloww serius kaki I macam tak tahan kot even da drop gear smpai low sangat da. Hahaha.. But I told myself many times keep going don't stop even masa tu kaki i dah wobbly sangat hahah..then got another bukit tau.. I macam dah dapat momentum, I should cycle laju2 then I takkan struggle bila naik bukit. True kot! Of course I akan laju than my husband sebab dia jog kan. I sampai dekat carpark, tengok phone scroll2 while waiting for him to arrive.

Husband   : U cycle ke naik bukit tadi?

Me            : Yelah I cycle

Husband   : I cari2 u jugak dalam longkang then panggil2 nama u takde..

Me            : Whattt? Why..

Husband   : Mana tahu u jatuh tak sangka pulak u boleh cycle dekat bukit tuh

Me            : *cricket sounds* whatever la paaa..

One achievement unlocked today. Pat my back..

My lunch today... I buat sambal udang his favourite. Normally I akan beli cili kering kelantan tau.. Sebab dia tak pedas langsung.

Husband   : Nanti u datang rumah mak, u masak la macam ni

Me            : Kan mak masak

Husband   : Nanti u cakap la dekat mak, I suka sambal udang macam ni. U ajar mak buat cmni

Me            : Takkan la I nak ajar mak u. Agak2 la paaa

Husband   : Takpela kenapa tak boleh

Me            : Actually I suka je masakan mak u. I masak cmni sebab u tak suka pedas. Have to u know!

Petang we went to the Mines, collect spectacles I. I tak rabun pun, power both eyes cuma 25 je tau. Bukan 250 lol.. But buat jelah sebab rugi la ada staff benefit tapi tak claim.

I choose it sebab bingkai dia cantik.. Cantik kan!

I just pakai ni whenever I tengok laptop je.. Husband I minta tambah uv ray ke ape ntah so hopefully it meet the purpose lah.

Today my dad will come down to KL. I miss him already. My kids pulak minta rendang ayam and pulut kuning from my mom.. Jap lagi my dad sampai. Nak kemas rumah byeeee....

9 February

Today I work from office. Macam biasa, settle benda yang nak kena print, sign etc. 

Tengok lunch I harini ... 

Mixed platter

Actually ada je coach provide meal plan so that we can focus on berapa kalori yang kita dah ambil dan boleh ambil. But today, I nak cepat so semua rebus2 jela. As long as healthy kan 😇

My snacking for morning and petang nanti is orange sunkist pagi amek half, petang amek half. 

Guess what? Husband I bought me folding bike so that I boleh catch up bila dia jogging ke sprinting whatever. Sounds annoying bila dia cakap macam tu but tak pe jelah as long as nanti bila dia da balik laut pagi2 I boleh cycle around. Normally I jog je.. my pace la. Dia tu memang competitive so bila pace I tu dia perlu la ejek  i seloww.  Ceh!

Breakfast I had my F1 shake today, choc flavour. Sedap dan kenyang. If bancuh dengan soymilk even marvelous rasa dia.

My new toy.. *drumrolls*

Java TT451 w 18 speed. Ala macam la I athletic sangat. Anyway, thank u mr husband. Free gift tempat sangkut air and botol air. Nice.. 💓

Ok la da kul 2, till then peeps.

Harini I nak bersyukur atas nikmat dikurniakan these little babies of mine...

I love u both so much. Alhamdulillah 💓💓

Signing off, office desk 2.01pm

Alma mater

Morning lovelies..

Siapakan manusia yang paling bagus?

"Manusia yang memberi manfaat kepada manusia lain"

Been few days I tak update this personal journal. Husband I balik KL on 4th February 2021, touch down around 2.40pm. I picked him up dekat airport.. Lepas je road block sebab ada provide letter. Bila husband balik, as always memang akan busy. Focus more on my daily workload, plus family.. anak2 etc.

I tulis this piece while dengar ceramah Ustazah Asma Harun - Wanita Lebih Banyak di Neraka. Alhamdulillah.. this morning my husband and I manage to jog around UPM. Parked dekat KMR, then we jog satu uni. So cantik.. lama dah tak datang UPM sejak grad 10 tahun lepas. Datang juga tapi setakat lalu jelah area Serdang tu.

My alma mater

Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar

Salah satu pesanan ustazah, wanita ni kena bersyukur, contohnya bila suami balik rumah dengan selamat, syukur apa yang suami berikan... Bila Allah lihat seorang wanita yang bersyukur, Allah akan menambah nikmat kepadamu. Jika sedikit pun tak mampu syukur, macam mana nk bersyukur dengan nikmat yang banyak. Jadilah pasangan suami isteri yang sentiasa bersyukur. 

My brekkie today, vietnamese roll with pomegranate extract share with husband 💓

Zikir untuk dibaca waktuPagi 3x, Petang 3x, dia berhak mendapat redha Allah di mahsyar kelak.

"Roditubillahi rabba, wabil islami dina, wabi muhammdin nabiyya wa rasula"

Kami redha Allah Tuhanku, kami redha Allah pentadbirku, Allah pemutusku, Allah penetapku, Kami redha segala ujianmu, segala kesakitan yang engkau berikan, segala dukacita, kesedihan yang engkau berikan, kami redha di atas setiap keputusanmu, kami maafkan semua orang yang menyakitiku.

Kami redha bahawa Islam agama kami, cara hidup kamu, cara mati kami, cara bangkit kami.

Kami redha bahawa Nabi Muhammad nabi kami, bantulah kami menghidupkan sunnah nabi, menegakkan kalimah lailahaillah muhammadurrasulullah.

Alhamdulillah, being a wife, I memang patut banyak bersyukur instead of merungut dan memberontak. Terlalu banyak hikmah yang I nampak atas ujian yang Allah berikan dekat kami. Allah nak jentik hati I untuk lebih bersyukur. Selama ni I admit I memang jatuh dalam kategori perempuan yang memang kurang bersyukur.

I bersyukur selama ni, I dapat suami yang bertanggungjawab, ibu bapa yang sihat sejahtera, anak-anak yang sihat dan cerdik, kerjaya yang baik, nikmat mana lagi yang hendak didustakan. Alhamdulillah atas segala nikmatmu ya Allah.

Hidup ni singkat je, tak perlu nak terlalu emosional dengan benda-benda duniawi yang sementara je. Di sini tempat untuk kita kejar akhirat. Insyaallah. Ujian ni banyak dekatkan I dengan Allah. I baru faham maksud suami, anak-anak semua di dunia ni hanyalah pinjaman dari Allah.

Bila amalkan sunnah nabi, penyakit rumah tangga pun akan keluar. Instead of takut dengan racun, lebih baik kita baja kan rumah tangga kita. Jangan pernah rasa sombong dengan sesiapa, mungkin dia yang akan tarik kita ke dalam syurga Allah s.w.t. 

Antara sunnah-sunnah nabi dalam rumah tangga :

1. Suami membukakan pintu kenderaan atau rumah untuk isterinya.
2. Mencium isteri sebelum pergi dan datang dari bepergian
3. Makan sepering berdua
4. Berlemah lembut dan menemani isterinya yang sakit
5. Bersenda gurau dan membangun keakraban
6. Tetap Romantis dan akrab saat isteri sedang haid.
7. Mandi Bersama
8. Mengajak isteri makan di luar sambil refreshing.
9. Saling membersihkan setelah berhubungan
10. Bersandar di atas dada Isteri dan tidur di atas pahanya
11. Suami Isteri berpelukan saat tidur
12. Mengajak Isteri Pergi Ke Luar Kota
13. Suami Menyuap Isteri
14. Mencium isteri dari waktu ke waktu
15. Suami mengantar isteri ketika ke luar
16. Suami isteri berjalan-jalan di malam hari.
17. Isteri menyisir rambut suaminya
18. Isteri menaburkan parfum ke badan suaminya
19. Ungkapan cinta dan kasih sayang setiap hari
20. Meletakkan pipi di atas pipi
21. Suami Isteri membiasakan berolah raga
22. Memberikan kesenangan kepada Isteri
23. Memperhatikan perasaan Isteri

Mee tomato for the win

Slept around 3am yesterday.. sleepy sangat this morning but my biological clock wakes me up. So I mandi, tak subuh lah sebab still ABC. 😅

Keluar rumah around 9.30am, went to the bank, settle some errands, by 1.30pm Im back home. Lupa nak update my husband on my wherebout. Bukan lupa sangat la, but I know early morning he'll be busy, tambah lagi nak setel handover before balik darat tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, I also don't know what will happen. Will we fight again? Hahahah...

He told me that boat from shore will depart around 6am to their platform, then they will board around 8.00-8.15am. Sampai darat around 10am something lah kan. Honestly, I prefer dia kat laut lagi berbanding dekat darat after 'that' thing happen, but right know I rasa I dah ok sikit, lama dah tak mengungkit. Tapi esok I don't know lah mengenangkan dia dah dekat darat and he got plenty of time dekat sana sebelum flight ke kl on the 4th. I hate to think about it. I hope I okay tomorrow. I pun akan work from office so maybe boleh distract sikitlah.

I know sometimes I feel like we are not in a healthy relationship. I really don't want to force him doing things yang dia tak nak. Actually, after 'that' thing happen, sekarang ni he will always update me his whereabout, together with proof etc, which I tak nak pun sebenarnya if that is not what he wanted to do. But he said he did that for our relationship lah, sebab I jujur je cakap trust I dah tak de, and it will take time to build the trust again. I hope one day dengan all the effort yang husband I buat ni, I akan ikhlas pulangkan the trust that he really deserve. Deep down, I know he's a good man. 

Actually dari awal kahwin pun bila jauh, everyday without fail he will text me good morning and good night, and everyday will video call, whatsapp semua etc. We update ape yg kita buat everyday. Bila balik darat, he'll buy me apa2 jelah yang dia boleh capai kat airport tu sometimes.. choc ke, perfume ke.. etc. Ada juga dia belikan I barang macam handbag, SKII, skincare Kiehl ke out of sudden, means bukan time birthday i, even I tak perlukan and tak minta pun. Sometimes dekat office, what happen that day, I'll update him. Sampai sekarang pun. Dulu, I yang selalu malas nak angkat call. Hm.. Sebab banyak kali sangat in a day sampai I tak tahu nak cakap apa. Tipulah kalau I tak nampak yang dia sayang I as his wife sepanjang perkahwinan ni. Dia banyak sangat bersabar dengan all my nonsense.

Sebenarnya, hikmah yang I nampak is, I kena lebih appreciate our family. All these while, husband I je macam tunjuk effort dengan I. Contoh, he'll be the one yang call I, I tak pernah or jarang sangat nak video call dia dulu. Bab lain tu, I rasa tak payah la nak elaborate semua. Basically, before this I mengaku yang I take things for granted. I knew he love me and I selesa je macam tu. Right now, I lebih appreciate him lah, all the small2 things yang I tak nampak sebelum ni. Even when dia ajak I teman dia supper ke, I willing jela bangun nak pergi teman huhu.. 

Maybe betullah dia cakap just 'kawan'. But I hate that bitch. Bagi I, perempuan baik takkan keluar dengan suami orang. Whatever. *rollseyes* It is not that I tak bagi dia kawan dengan perempuan, but all his girl friends, is my friend but not this particular one. So, yeah. I don't know you, intruders. So I have to eliminate u from our life. I jujur je cakap dengan dia, before I kahwin, ada je suami orang ajak keluar, but I didn't do it despite I tak de keje sangat that day, or feel bored ke ape because I respect his wife. I tak pernah kena maki dengan bini orang masa I anak dara okeh! Perempuan yang keluar dengan laki orang ni without the wife tahu, bagi I is a low class bitch, walau solehah mane pon kau potray diri kau.

Mungkin I yang terlalu manja ke mengada2 ke sebab dari kecik when I merajuk, my dad takkan putus asa pujuk I, sampai I okay. Even dari pagi sampai ke petang pn my dad tak akan putus asa pujuk I. Selalunya merajuk pasal benda-benda yang tak penting pun. Hm... Now, my husband kena put extra effort to pujuk I pulak lah. Siapa suruh buat benda bukan2.

Cukup kot bebel.. Hahahah

This morning I tak de buat juice da. I just minum air kosong je segelas. Skip everything until lunch.

I thought I wanna order je from sushi king ke ape those healthy salad. Instead, I buat mee tomato with tomyum vege gravy. Sounds sedap kan..

Mee tu organic tomato mee yang I beli from my friend. Sebab I malas nak tunggu protein defrost, I just masukkan all the veges je dalam tu.. broccoli + mushroom + celery + carrot + chili. Simple yet fulfilling okay.

I still order sushi king, but for my son la.. then my daughter nak keropok lekor pulak.. ni baru anak dua hahaha.. 

I rindu je baby but I tak de masa nak jaga. How? I really salute those mommies yang juggle between work and family well. Perempuan ni memang kuat kan. Tapi ade jugak perempuan yang tak kesah pun hancurkan hati perempuan lain. Hahahah.. Sometimes kne faham, kahwin tu pakej dia datang sekali dengan tanggungjawab, nk bimbing keluarga ke syurga. Happy wife, happy life! Rezeki datang pn Allah salurkan ada juga atas rezeki isteri dan anak2 so lelaki jangan la cepat lupa diri bile da banyak duit tak tau nak buat apa. Kalau tak tahu sangat nk buat apa dengan duit tu boleh jela belikan wife biskut tawar ke.. jagung je.. pulut dakap ke.. geddit? Kalau dah banyak beli pon tak pe, beli lagi dan lagi dan lagi.. ish

Pkp extend lagi ya until 18th Feb 😷

Signed out 6.46pm bedroom

I never diet

Tak de elektrik pulak today.. Still WFH, I'll be in the office only a day or two a week. Otherwise, di rumah saja.

I begin my self love session mid of January 2021. Kalau dulu I cuma pergi jogging time husband ada, but now, if I ada time I akan go jogging even when I'm alone. 

I still makan nasi cuma not everyday. In fact semalam I masak ayam masak merah. Day before I masak nasi briyani ayam. Huhu...Sebab tu I suka lagi order foodpanda or grab food. Beli for my kids portion je. Kalau I masak, I akan masak benda I suka, end up I akan makan banyak 😑

I never diet my whole life. Hasben I cakap dia suka perempuan chubby so yeah mungkin tu salah satu faktor I tak diet haha.. But then, I now realise yang I have to do it for the sake of myself. I mungkin dah terbabas from being chubby to more than chubby but husband I maybe tak cakap apa2 pasal ni sebab dia nak jaga hati i ke... mana tahu kan. lol.

This is the first time yang I betul2 nekad nak diet. Even my sister cakap I never diet. Even when she diet pn i just hmm okay... takde pun nak diet together ke ape. She got her result already and she got the weight that she wants, Still.. watching her progress pn tak membuatkan I nak diet. Maigod.

I start slowly jugak... lama dah fridge I tak stock up processed food. If I nak makan, I akan masak, or order real food la kan.. Anak I pun I tak ajar makan benda2 tu but sometimes kita akan pergi mcd ke kfc ke tapi bukan seminggu 4-5kali macam yang I pernah buat dulu. Dulu I boleh je makan mcd everyday. Even lunch, dinner mcd.. How terrible I feel now sebab tak sayang diri. Sekarang even a sip of coke pun I macam tak sanggup nak telan. Maybe dah dapat 'hidayah'. Hehe..

Yesterday I sign up coaching for diet. My friend punya.. she actually coach people to lose weight. When I'm willing to pay means I'm serious. Started on 3rd Feb, I'll share my progress here. For January 2021, I have shed 4kgs of weight.. which never happen in my whole life. I just buat apa yang I tahu, sometimes, tahan lapar jugak. Tapi, if ada right coaching, I hope diet I akan jadi much better la. 

So this morning I had my usual juice, then in between breakfast and lunch I had greek yogurt + almond + walnut + chia seeds + fruits. Tak sangka sedap. Lunch I had lempeng kelapa from Foodpanda. I hope dinner I tak berat malam ni. 😂