The First Hello

Petang 2005. I dengan kawan2 i baru keluar dewan kuliah. We were in different practicum tapi dalam dewan kuliah yang sama, F6. I nampak this guy, staring at me dari bawah tangga.. masa I tengah rancak borak gosip2 dengan kawan2 I. I remember vividly that moment... with u smiling broadly at me. But I didn't smile back.

Second time, I remember walking with a friend to bilik lecturer, dekat jambatan tu.. we crossed path. I ingat lagi perasaan I masa tu. Feels like a really strong chemistry. But I ignored it. Didn't even glance at you, or smile pun. I don't know about u.. tapi when I asked it now, u also remember that very moment I wore my silver kurung. Yes, i memang wore that baju that day.

Third very clear moment I remember when I walked with my friends on a stair, going to tutorial class, I looked downstairs, and our eyes locked, u smiled broadly again at me. This time, I smiled back, and straight away went to class.

Told all my six bestfriends that I got a crush on u, simply because I like chinese looking guy wearing a spectacles. And it matches your features. I never gave hint to u ever that I really like u. We never talked, we never really knew each other.

One day u texted me. I happy sangat crush i text sampai I terus pergi bilik my friends and bgtau everything. They knew I had crush on u all these while, and when u texted me first, it was the happiest day of my matric life. 😉 

The first phone call. U minta izin untuk call i for the first time. So. Freaking. Nervous. Sebab we never talked with each other depan2. Tapi after that, we could talked for hours, tapi tak pernah betul2 dating atau jumpa sepanjang dekat matric. U did initiate to meet, tapi I always giving excuses, I don't know why.

The first date. Midvalley. We were both dekat uni dah. But different uni.. U wore black polo Tshirt with jeans and u looked so handsome. Even until now. Hm.. U bought me big mac, and we watch movie titled 'The Break Up' starring by Jennifer Aniston. U choose the movie, sebab I pernah break up dengan u for few months. Which I also don't know why I did that. 

U halalkan i after 7 years knowing each other. I remember on our wedding night, u told me,

"Ingat ni, walau apa pun jadi, kita jangan berpisah"

And u hugged me, kissed my forehead and cry. I don't understand. Maybe it came from your heart. 

We were happy. We had babies, we had lovely family, we have career, basically we have almost everything. Until 15 Oct 2020.

The revelation of something that I cannot accept.

My fairytale wedding is not really a fairytale anyway. I wish I could run and never turn back. But running away won't solve problems, lagi2 I ada anak2 I. I can't live without them.

And I died, on that very day. The wife who loved her husband wholeheartedly has died. I live my life in grief. Because when I though it was a fairytale, turned out it is not. At least, that is what I thought after finding out the truth.

There's this new me. Fighting everyday for this marriage. Searching for my old soul. Yang tak berhenti sayangkan husband dia sepenuh hati. But I failed everyday. The more u tried to apologise, the more effort u put to win me back, the more hurt u get in return from me. I can never be the same after that date. She has died. U cannot force me to go back being her, again.

I love u, and I really don't want u to get hurt everytime. Deep down, I hurt myself too. I want u to seek for the happiness that u always looking for. I taknak semua perasaan kesian tu. Just follow your heart. One day I akan terima, even bukan sekarang. U know I love u too much.. tapi orang yang I sayang tu, is orang yang before 15 Oct, orang yang tak pernah luka kan I, yang sayang I sorang dengan anak2 je, orang yang sombong dengan perempuan lain sebab tahu status dah berpunya. 

6 bulan. 

Tempoh bertenang yang U minta dari I. Selama tempoh bertenang ni, I manage to find a bit of myself, walaupun tak sepenuhnya lagi. I have yet to decide, whether to stay or to move on. Today, we fight again, bila u jauh. But I tak rasa apa2. I feel numb and no feelings. Why?

The phrase from our wedding nights keep repeating in my head. I harap ni doa mujarab yang boleh selamatkan kita. I love u too much sampai I nak tengok u happy. Don't force yourself to be with me. It made me even more deeper in grief. If happiness u ada dekat I, then biarlah memang hati u nak macam tu. If not, u may find your own happiness... elsewhere. As I always mention to u, sayang I dekat u is sebanyak sayang u dekat i. So, lama2 i akan ok. Dont worry about me. Im ok.