Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts

Sunday, July 11, 2021

Hijrah Cinta

He might thought that I'm after his money. But he did forgot that I was there when he had nothing. To be honest, I don't know what I am after. The love we had already been broken. There's basically no more pure love that all these while I thought was ours. There's no more trust. There's no more us.

Cakaplah aku letakkan cinta aku pada manusia. U can say whatever u want, because u can. It's not your heart that was broken. I wonder if I just end it, would u still be fine? Kau cakap kau tak akan ok, but again, tu cuma kata-kata. U will be just fine without me. 

Kaca yang pecah pun takkan kembali ke asal.

Jadi, bila aku broken, jangan salahkan aku.

"Apa yang kau nak aku buat?" 

There's no answer to that question. It's not that I did not do any soul searching after what had happened. Mungkin ini balasan untuk aku. Atau ujian. Mungkin. Tapi aku separuh kuat je nak hadap semua ni. Baton tu dekat tangan aku, Tapi, end of it, kau yang akan buat keputusan.

Tak adil untuk aku, untuk kau, untuk anak bila semua ni jadi. Bila aku rasa nak menjeruk hati. Bila-bila aku nak. Bila-bila aku trigger. Aku takkan trigger pun kalau benda ni tak jadi. Tapi aku pun tak boleh salahkan takdir. Aku tak layak pun nak question takdir yang dah jadi.

"Semua harta aku atas nama kau. Kau nak apa lagi? Apa yang kau takut sangat?'

Honestly.. 

I'm speechless. This is hurting me even more. When we had nothing, I'm the one who bought the A4 and printer to print your resume. Even proofreading it before it got sent out. And this is all I got? When u think u are at the peak? Will it be better if I'm gone for good? I never want anything from u. All these while.. I'm doing everything out of love. Takpelah. I'm too tired to explain.

Kau mungkin rasa aku membenci. Sumpah tak akan ada benci. Cuma hati ni terlalu hancur. Aku berperang dengan perasaan sendiri almost everyday. Mungkin dengan buat kau benci kau akan lebih senang melepaskan. Jujur jela dengan perasaan kau. Kalau cuma aku, mana mungkin ada dia. Kan?

Maybe it would be better if aku just pergi. Tinggalkan semua ni. Tinggalkan segala kesakitan ni. At the same time, mana mungkin aku tinggalkan anak-anak aku. Tak adil untuk anak-anak aku nak hadap semua ni. My babies, I will pass my exam this December, and I have a plan already. For us. Insyaallah. All will be fine.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Bye wisdom tooth

Hi,

Just came back from the clinic.. since I got plenty of time right now, hence this blogpost.

Dah lama actually nak cabut. Especially bila time sakit datang menggila sampai ke urat kepala. Even before I sat for my ACCA exam around June. Aku takdelah takut nak jumpa dentist sbb dengan Dr Chong ni dari kecik memang dah biasa jumpa dia. Even aku dah tak duduk Puchong pun sampai sekarang apa-apa berkaitan gigi aku akan cari dia. Cuma time tu takde untuk pergi cabut gigi. Busy dengan workload, dengan study, dengan anak-anak, weekend ikut mertua g kenduri.. Kalau husband balik, kitorang akan g short getaway. So bila masanya aku nak fikir pasal gigi ni..

Sampaila a week before exam, sakitnya ya ampun. Memang kacau mood aku nak study lah. Dahla masa limited, sakit gigi lak. Rasa macam nak mengamuk. So aku nekad, after exam, aku akan cabut jugak gigi ni by hook or by crook.

Here I am now, being prep for my turn for the minor operation. Aku baca blog ye, pasal pengalaman orang lain. Wow, exaggerate sangat aku rasa sampai aku takut kot.. Duh.. Tambahan pulak menantu TPM passed away masa kena bius dekat dental clinic yang dia pergi. Sapa tak cuak wei..

Dr Chong ni jenis tak banyak cakap, Dah tahu style dia. Aku pun malas nak tanya banyak2. Yang aku tau aku memang kena cabut jugak gigi ni hari ni. So, dia buat xtray, sah lah aku tak boleh cabut biasa. Kena go through minor operation jugak. Ok xpe, bring it on!

Aku dapat 3 jabs untuk bius, which aku tak rasa sakit pun. Then ak dah tak rasa pipi and lidah aku mcm stroke sebelah haha.. Aku memang tak pernah takut cabut gigi tapi kebelakangan ni banyak cerita tak best pasal cabut gigi, dalam hati ada sedikit gusar hehe..

Dia brief lah akan potong tulang sikit (horror ok!) kena potong gigi sikit ok ape2 jelah. I just want to get it done. Nervous aku lama kelamaan hilang as the procedure start. Macam biasa memang boleh dengar apa dia buat semua cuma tak sakit lah tu je..

Agak susah a bit dia nak cabut gigi aku. Few attempt jugak aku tengok dia buat. Finally keluar.. Dr pun examine gigi tu, ahlamdulillah akar keluar semua, So dia jahit and everything.. settle. Happy nya aku!!! Bye gigi bongsuku. !!







So untuk sebatang gigi kat klinik ni actually is RM700 tapi sebab aku dah biasa so diskaun lah RM100.. Total kena bayar RM600. Takpelah claim company hihik.. Sini takde mesin swipe2 yer, semua cash.

Alhamdulillah, pengalaman aku takde yang horror ke ape. Ok2 je macam cabut gigi biasa. Yang masih teragak2 nak cabut tu, just go for it ok! Jangan sampai melarat sangat-sangat baru g. Kalau wisdom tooth tu tumbuh ok, baguslah tak payah cabut. Kes cam aku ni, sukati dia je tumbuh melintang so nak buat macam mana. Nama pun bongsu, perangai sukati macam anak bongsu jugak... Tetonggeng2 dia tumbuh hadoi..

Ok lah bye!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

2015.... I'm 28

My birthday is in June, the 21st. Same with Prince William, I was born in the city of London during the longest day of the year, on Father's day 1987.

While doing spring cleaning at my dad's 'library', I found this..




An engineering books that belong to his university library that he must have forgot to return before 15th of June 1987 because his wife, which is my mom is heavily pregnant with me and is due anytime soon. On the 21st June 1987 must be his happiest Father's day as he officially become a father. During Father's Day!! **perasan me**

And now it is 2015, my birthday falls on father's day again and also the month of Ramadhan. I just wish my dad, and never met him yet since. The day itself, I decided to cook nasi lemak with sambal udang petai **which is my expertise, can I say my signature dish? Phui.. ** and also ayam berempah that was being marinated a day before.

Since my doc sis brought us bucket of KFC for buka puasa and a cake as well for my birthday, I just keep the marinated ayam berempah in the fridge and substitute the original menu with ayam KFC instead. Both were delicious actually. **Perasan again**

Home cooked nasi lemak



Choc birthday bouquet


Manage to squeeze in my all time favourite murtabak and kuih gula melaka

By now, there's nothing that I want but the health of my parents. My dad is sick right now, I still haven't got a chance to go back and meet him and see his condition with my own eyes. He whatsap us that he hopes that he could make it until Eid, how come....!!! I want him to be healthy forever. I would be more that willing to replace all the pain that he have to bear right now if Allah permits.

Ya Allah, please protect my family from all evil in this world, please grant my parents the healthiest heath. Please......................................................................... protect us all. Please..... protect my husband, my daughter, my son..... please ease the burden that my dad have to bear. Please Allah.. please...Please prolong the live of each and everyone that I love. Please Allah............ kasihanilah kami semua.................................**sad**

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

36 weeks and counting



Already 36th weeks..!! How time flies.. Sekarang dah kira macam menunggu hari lah kan sebab dah full term. Alhamdulillah...

Bila ingat balik nervousnya lahai.. Last checkup which is a few days ago, doc had confirmed baby dah engage sikit. Meaning big chances for normal delivery as well kali ni. Usually anak kedua lambat sikit engage, sometimes masa ibu ada contraction baru engage. Aku tanya does this means that I will be in labour earlier than expected? Ans : not necessary. Baby weight dh 2.6kg sekarang. Tumbesaran ok, ngam2 je dengan due date. Good boy you are.

What happen to me? Normal ke eh gatal-gatal je badan ni walaupun takde nyamuk gigit pon. Aku garu sedap gila sampai melecet tempat yang digaru tu. Kaki dah berparut bagai sebab gatal. Waduh2.. Ada yang cakap normal lah kalau macam tu. Pembawakan budak ni lain-lain.

Tapi seriously pregnant kali ni agak payah sikit. Maybe sebab peningkatan umur atau aku culas pantang masa anak first dulu hehe.. Tak tahan tengok adik aku makan mekdi dengan coke masa tu. Mai seteguk.. fuh.. nah sekarang rasain loo.. Bukan niat nak merungut ya.. cuma aku bagi tau memang ada beza lah badan dah pernah beranak dengan baru first time beranak. Even bos aku and orang sekeliling notice baby bump agak besar kali ni. Huhu.. Yelah dah loose kot. Haha..

Tak tahu lah kalau ada nombor 3 pulak tah2 badan dah macam rumah berjalan. Sometimes tengah malam sangat sakit kalau aku banyak berjalan siang. Selalunya weekend lah jadi camtu sebab siang g jalan mall lah ape lah.. Weekdays cuma g opis, balik opis so badan tak letih sangat. Otak je letih. sobs.

Sampai saat ni tak finalise lagi nama baby. Dulu masa bujang kemain angan-angan list nama anak dah siap berjela dah bebetol nak beranak tak tau pulak nak letak apa. Malas lah nama fancy2 sangat last2 panggil boy or girl or baby je.. Hadoih.. Nak cari nama yang tak manja2 sangat sebab boy biar dia bertokoh sikit lah.

Tak tahu bila aku akan menulis lagi. So dah ngantok bye for now :)

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Pengalaman bersalin

Nak masuk setahun dah aku bersalin. Hehe sekejapnya macam tak terasa. Dulu sebelum kahwin selalu kena senggugut sampai guling-guling tahan sakit. Lepas kahwin period sekali lepastu pregnant. Heaven gila tak period lama, so tak payah hadap senggugut tiap bulan.

Seronok mengandung anak pertama sebab semua pengalaman tu belum pernah rasa. Cukup 39 minggu 5 hari dah keluar tanda.

Ahad, 16 Disember 2012
8.00am : masuk toilet ada darah dan lendir warna pink. Tapi masih tak sakit. Cuma berdebar sebab tak lama lagi kena beranak -_-

10.00am : ada sakit sikit tapi tak sesakit macam senggugut. Aku ingat doc yang aku selalu pergi checkup cakap contraction ni yang betul2 punya adalah sakit sampai aku tak boleh nak senyum dah. Adik aku boleh buat lawak suruh aku senyum time tu. Obviously masih boleh ketawa tebahak2 lagi.. Ko tunggu! Parents aku insists pergi hospital jugak nak cek kot2 kena tahan wad. Masa ni boleh jalan lagi, boleh senyum dan berlagak normal. Sebab dah ada 'show' so kena la pergi cek. Sesi selukan yang pertama nurse cakap baru buka 1cm. Boleh balik rumah dulu. Bila sakit selang 5minit secara konsisten datang hospital cepat. Ok, balik lah kiter... Lega sikit hehe

2.00pm : dah mula rasa sakit macam bedenyut2. Setiap kali nak mula sakit aku cuak dah.. Yela macam roller coaster kejap sakit, kejap tak sakit. Tapi masih boleh senyum jgn risau haha. Aku nak relaks, ajak adik aku teman aku tidur. Sebenarnya suruh dia catat selang masa contraction aku haha.. Sakit dah weh tapi ok lagi. Konsisten setiap 7 minit. Ok la kan stil boleh tidur.

8.00pm : sakit dah tahap macam senggugut aku. Aku ingatkan ni la paling max sakitnye so aku rasa eh xde la sakit sangat. Lol.. Ko tunggu!

8.30pm : aku duduk di pac room hospital serdang. Nurse seluk lagi dah buka 4cm. Dia suruh salin baju pink. Masa ni boleh jalan laju lagi sampai kena tegur tak sakit ke jalan laju. Hu... Setiap kali kena seluk kan depa pakai pelincir apa tah aku rimas so aku akan pergi toilet basuh. Tu lah yang last aku boleh jalan pi toilet -_-

10.00pm : sakit aku dah makin menggila. Muka pun dah start bekerut-kerut tahap tak boleh senyum. Aku baring je kat katil tu. Baring mengiring tak kena, telentang lagi la tak kena. Ya allah... Aku tak henti2 zikir (la'ila ha illa anta, subhanaka inni kuntu minazzolimin), benafas elok2, ada masanya aku bawak minda aku ke dunia lain kurang sikit rasa sakit tapi masa tak boleh fokus ikut hati nak jerit je tapi aku masih waras kot nak buat benda macam tu. Sampai tahap menggeletar badan aku masa sakit contraction tu.


Isnin, 17 Disember 2012
2.00 pagi : masih layan sakit tapi keadaan makin sunyi so boleh cuba bernafas betul dan bawa fikiran menerawang ke benda lain dari dok fikir pasal sakit. Sakit memang sakit tapi aku dah rasa macam terlalu sakit sampai badan aku dah lali. So just embrace it. Tiba2...... POP!!! Lepastu dengar bunyi baby nanges. Terkejut aku orang depan katil teberanak dalam PAC room! Ni macam bilik observation je sebelum tolak ke labour room. The mom tak bunyi ke sakit ke apa? Tak sakit la kot kan.. Tak panggil doctor pun? Erkk.. Lepastu doc datang la sebab baru je tadi cek dia baru buka 6cm. Anak first lak tu. Doc cakap awak beranak sendiri tengok ni habis koyak rabak. Ok lupakan kisah dia. Ni kisah aku wahahahaaa...

3.00am : sakit dah sangat gila tapi masih boleh bbm mak aku. Mama tak tidur sembahyang the whole night doa untuk aku. Sobs! Hurm lepas tu tiba2 datang sakit macam betul2 nak meneran dah. Ya allah memang aku rasa nak meneran. Terus panggil nurse suruh cek bukaan. Tak rela aku bersalin dalam pac room ni. Baru 6cm. Lamanyaaaa.... Aku ingat dah 8cm ke.. Huhu.. Sebenarnya sebelum tu aku stick kat 4cm punya lama so nurse cakap meh dia tolong bukakkan laluan. Dia godek2 bawah tu sampai jadi 6cm. Jangan tanya aku macam mana. Aku pun tak tau. Tapi tak sakit pun seluk. Nak compare dengan contraction macam kena gigit semut je. Sakit makin menggila dan ni first time aku ter 'shee shee' atas katil masa contraction! Lenjun kain pink aku. Nurse datang salinkan. -_- tq nurse baiknyaa... Bukan sekali ok 3kali!!! Ohmy... Apa la aku ni. Pemegang katil besi tu macam nak patah aku pegang masa datang contraction.

5.00am : tiba2 dengar bunyi POP!! Teburai air keluar dan aku yakin ketuban aku dah pecah. Sekali lagi nurse datang salin kain aku. Huhu... Dia cakap lepasni bukak cepat sikit kot sebab ketuban dah pecah. Ok dah 7cm. Husband aku akan touch down kl dalam pukul 8.30 pagi. Allah gerakkan hati dia kot nak balik awal sikit. Sebab due aku patutnya 20 Disember. Dia ingat nak balik awal sikit so that boleh teman aku sementara tunggu 20 Disember tu. Tapi Allah dah rancang sebaiknya...

9.00am : orang lain semua dah masuk labour room. Aku je masih disitu sampai nurse pun dah betukar shift. Sedih ok! Aku cakap kat nurse tolak jela saya dalam labour room. Dia cakap kat labour room pun sama je. Tapi dorang tolak jugak aku masuk labour room dan panggil husband aku. Sedihnya aku cakap dia masih on the way from epot! Tak pelaaa.... Masa ni masih 7cm -_-

9.05am : dalam labour room dah. Macam biasa sakit teketar2 bila datang contraction. Aku tak de amek ape2 ubat tahan sakit ke, gas ke apa all the way natural. Bukan aku taknak, takdak sapa offer pun -_- bolehhh?? Haha... Tapi aku yakin pasti boleh badan aku terima semua ni. Tiba2 nurse cakap dah full 10cm dan boleh push. Dalam masa depa sediakan lampu, alatan bagai, nampak husband aku masuk. Macam dapat semangat untuk push ok! Mana 8cm & 9cm? Tetiba 10 cm terus! Push lah 2 -  3 kali. Jangan risau bab push aku dah khatam berapa bijik buku tah takot punya pasal. Doc ckp aku pandai push ok kembang jap.

9.38am : keluar baby dan sakit semua hilang terus. Memang ada buat episiotomy so that koyak tak terlalu besar. Lepastu jahit dan cucuk anti kancing gigi masa tengah jahit tu. Apalah sangat sakit jahit memang tak rasa sakit lah sebab sebelum ni sakit macam nak gila. Apapun pengalaman ni amat berharga untuk aku.


Tak sangka dari setitis sperma dan sebiji ovum boleh jadi manusia. Badan perempuan ni sangat kuat sampai boleh keluarkan seorang manusia lain. Lelaki ado??? Haha... Apa pun aku sangat besyukur. Tapi kalau tanya aku nak ke lagi??? Erkkk nanti2 dulu lah kot haha...

Patutla doktor aku cakap anak sulung ni special dan sebenarnya paling disayangi sebab nak keluarkan tu selalunya payah dan lama. Betoi kot.. Tapi tak taula kan.. Kalau anak ramai mana boleh pilih kasih oi..



Thursday, September 26, 2013

Be led by dreams



The power of mind. There were few occasions in my life that made me believe of the power of minds. I know if I ever had a strong willed on something, I would definitely got it the way I wanted.

There was a time in primary school where in this particular subjects we have to get 100% marks so that we won't be punished. The teacher which is also the school discipline teacher called out the names one by one and their marks respectively. Back then u can still imagine how fierce a discipline teacher could be. But right now, teachers are afraid of their students bahaha ok drop it.

Back to the story, there were approximately 38 to 40 of us. I was quite afraid because ya, who love being hit by a long steel ruler on the palm and the nose being pulled up until it left red marks like a clown anyway. Not me definitely.

So while waiting for mine, all I did was recite bismillah all the way. Not a single person gets the perfect 100% until my name being called. I am pretty sure that I will be punished also so I lift my hand a lil bit and close my eyes waiting to get hit. Lol bigg time. So naive back then. But then, the teacher smile and handed me my paper with full marks! Happy me and from that moments onwards I know Allah s.w.t is all the time watch over me and grant me my wishes when I put 200% faith on it.

And there were few more occasions in my life that made me believe in the power of mind. For instance, during the time I am infront of my computer screen, checking results for admission in mrsm. That was my dream. I want it so badly until I set my mind that if Allah allows it, there won't be any NO when I clicked the result. Alhamdulillah I made it again and able to go through beautiful years of my life in mrsm.

Now I realise I seldom play with minds anymore. Thing is, when u believe, u will achieve. Have faith in the things u do, u'll definitely make it through.

Just BELIEVE it.