Pregnant Again on our 13th Years of Marriage

Happy new year 2025! How time flies. I don't even remember what I did in 2024. 

17th Nov 2024. The day I found out that I'm pregnant with our third baby. I am at 37 years old, both kids are now independent, doing their own stuff and suddenly.... 2025 will be the year that I will have to roam back to milk and diapers aisle. 

11th weeks now, and I feel like shit. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just try to live everyday. I don't have any appetite for foods, but I know I have to eat for my growing baby. At the same time I still have to go to work. Luckily my morning sickness only happen after maghrib. I would throw up like nobody's business.

Bloated 24/7 is normal now. Salute to mommies who gets pregnant every year to go through all these. I can eat fruits, but I hate it now. I hate filtered water be it at home/ office. I just hate to drink because it taste weird. I hate chicken but I don't have options. I hate seafood and meat, basically I hate everything but I force myself to eat something at least.

I felt sleepy and hungry all the time. I will eat mixed nuts all just because I have to stop my growling stomach. As for my husband, normally we would go for date nights, after the kids were asleep. Now, no more since I don't even have the mood to do anything. Really felt bad for him. Please tell me this will be over soon.

I realized lately anything that I thought, somehow will be materialized. I'm not sure how and why though. I want my mom fried beehoon so badly. My mom lived 4-5 hours away from me hence I know I won't be getting it sooner. I never tell anyone about this craving, and obviously my mom don't have any idea about it. My mom came to my house and guess what? She brought her fried beehoon! I cried thinking that Allah has been so generous to me.

I don't know what happen with this beehoon cravings. One day, my husband brought us to a Thai restaurant. I didn't tell him what I want to eat because I don't have the mood for anything. Deep down I felt like eating fried beehoon that night. Quite disappointed that they do not have it in their menus. Its ok, I ordered Phad That instead. Guess what? The waiter came to me to tell me that the Phad Thai is out of stock, so I had to order something else. I casually tell him that I want to have fried beehoon. Yes! Of course I got my fried beehoon. I'm shooked!

Last 2 weeks I thought, would be good if we can travel to Bali. I didn't plan or say anything to my husband about this, coz it is just a thought. I didn't feel like myself pun to travel due to my pregnancy. One evening after work, my husband ask me to choose any place to go and ask me to plan a short trip at least to go getaway for a few days. He handed me his card and voila! Off we go to Bali the very next day. When this happened, somehow I felt scary. Why Allah has granted my wishes so easily. I would still cry in the car every morning, even when I listened to Zikr. Maybe its the pregnancy hormone right? Even the simplest thing, for instance if I saw a rainbow in the sky while driving, I felt like its a gift from Allah to me and he sees me even though Im just a human, and that made me cry.

Today it happened again, Remember I told that I hate to drink the filtered water? We have someone came over to service our water filter this morning and she accidentally broke the pipe hence we can't use the dispenser until the maintenance guy came later in the evening. My husband was worried that we don't have water to drink in between. He bougth loads and loads of Spritzer water and yeah. Actually, that is the only kind of water that I would drink right now during this first trimester. I think, the stock he bought might last until months. Actually, every morning before work, I would drop by the gas station to buy Spritzer as my drinking water throughout the day and now of course I don't need to already. I am really grateful somehow, even when I didn't say to anyone what I need/ wants, Allah always knew it and he will make it happen. There's always a way.

I don't intend to blurt out everything, some of it I will keep to myself. I jot this so that I will always remember. I can't wait for this baby to arrive. This is a big Rezq that Allah has granted us. Actually it is the doa of  the brother and sister that was being granted by Allah. Alhamdulillah. I don't know how will I manage this, but I know, I can and I will do it somehow. It has been 10 years since I last giving birth, of course I forget things. My husband treat me like I am the first time mom haha.. But pity them coz I dont have the  mood for anything right now, i.e to lepak, to do chores, to cook etc. This too, shall pass insyaallah.

10.43pm, bedroom SR.

Snippet of the past few weeks

Hey there.. assalamualaikum.

As usual, when I write on this space, my husband already flew off for work. Exam in few days, tapi past few weeks I keep on berjimba je. How la.

Just to recap what happen during the past two weeks that my husband was around. We went for unplanned road trip to Pahang with the kids. Initially I nak pergi bawa diorang ke Kuala Gandah je. Manage to meet few elephants tapi smol2 one je. Suppose ada aktiviti mandikan gajah etc but sebab air sungai naik so cancel jela. Sebab suam2 kuku je experience tu, we decided to naik sikit head to Kuantan terus. Actually after Kuala Gandah, we stayed in a hotel at Temerloh. Had ikan patin etc then ingat nak cari makan dekat Kuantan. Sampai je Teluk Cempedak terus rasa amazednya ada Starbucks, Mcd, KFC, everything dekat sana and tempat tu so cantik. We end up terus booking a night stayed in Kuantan. 

My world. Captured with Ip13

Kuala Gandah Elephant Sanctuary

We were lucky to meet this 5 month baby elephant

Teluk Cempedak view yang buat we decide to stay for the night

Hello pinky beach

We had lunch at Restoran Mabiq. Ramai orang but quite efficient lah eventhough kena beratur juga nak masuk pun. We arrive on 12.30pm maybe orang baru nak ramai. Food taste good. I had pais ikan, eventhough i don't know what it is, turn out dia ikan patin tempoyak juga. I had it already dekat Temerloh and I had enough kot. Hari2 makan tempoyak pitamm..

We were lucky to secure a room eventhough it weekends. Masa lunch i scroll booking.com and luckily found this resort. Memang cantik. We ride ATV [RM50 for 30mins], ada pool, private beach, complementary breakfast semua, I had no complaint. Definitely I will come back again. There's little pub and restaurant dekat resort ni. We jalan pantai at night, then ada fireworks show, dekat beach. Memang lucky lah sebab kitorang tak tau pun ada benda ni. Dengan lagu2 best feeling sangat la kan. Maybe the ambience buat rasa best kot.

I cuti the whole week sebab annual leave I banyak lagi nak clear. Hehe.. Then balik KL jelah after Kuantan. Esoknya pergi swab test dekat Prince Court coz my husband nak work dah. Sebab alang2 keluar, we shoot to Genting Highlands pulak. Memang trip Pahang sangat la kalini. Tak naik atas. Just jalan dekat GHPO je. Husband alhamdulillah negative, clear nk pergi work.

We had desert dekat Godiva, husband I memang tau perangai I suka desert. Kalau I hilang tu either hilang dalam kedai kek atau kedai kopi. 😅 Both kids inherit trait I yang suka desert tu. Habislah. Manage to grab few handbags kat atas tu. I rasa murah kali ni maybe sebab Black Friday?? atau I memang lucky haha.. Perempuan atas ni dapat coklat dia dah happy dah. 

Owh before that! I ada trip with my family dekat Ipoh masa husband I off to work. Yelah nak tak nak we need to live je dalam covid ni kan. What we can do is try as much as we can to follow SOP. Jangan bersalam, jaga jarak, sanitise always, pakai mask. If dah kena what to do. But alhamdulillah, until now none of our family member get infected by covid. Future, we never know. Semua family members both sides dah vaccinated unless kids below 11 years old macam anak i memang tak lah. Hope Allah protects them always.

Both my parents, my nenek join this trip. Regardless la kena pakai wheelchair ke ape we all tolak je. My sisters, 4 out of 5 ada. In fact semua sibling I pun girls je takde boys haha.. If orang cakap I lemah lembut tu sebab belum pernah tengok I mengamuk jela kot. Ada satu story kelakar pasal nenek I but I keep it to myself jela hahaha.. I just nak create memories while they are still around. I pun tak tahu sampai bila I akan ada dekat sini. We never know. 

Looking back at our picktures, deep down I'm a proud sister and I nak congratulate my parents for raising us so well. My little sister doing specialist in opthalmologist, a med officer soon to be specialist dah. Another one is an engineer building maybe the tallest building in Malaysia, PNB118 and the youngest is doing her ACCA. Perempuan sesat semua orang dah besar suddenly dia lahir. 😂 We talked and chatted like we were still a kid. Especially when the husband is not around. My sister's husband now overseas to oversee construction project dengan Japan company. So of coz la dia pun single macam I haha.. My father cakap, tengoklah diorang ni even dah besar tapi cakap macam masa diorang budak2 dulu. Yeah.. miss that moment sebenarnya. Buat lawak bodoh, but now we are paying for the trip. Just bagitahu where u want to go, what u want to eat, we'll settle everything. Macam mana my parents settle everything for us masa kitorang kecik2 dulu. 

Hey Ipoh

Drooling

My all time fav Ah Cheng laksa

The best roti jala by Chef Nizam

Mee rebus Kuala Kangsar from cooked by my fren, Seri

Some random pictures of what I ate past few weeks haha. Anak I pun dah tahu perangai mak dia jangan makan lagi. Lemme feed the phone first! Lol! Sometimes when I tak amek gambar they'll ask me why I didn't take picture? Boleh makan dah ke ni? Hahahhahah... Sorry kids!!

This time around takde adegan baling barang, gaduh2 maki2.. Am I healed? Hahah.. We never know. But I tahu even how bad the situation is, I am loving him forever. He's back now, tapi hati manusia ni berbolak balik, Allah yang pegang. I'll be devastated but I know I will move on easily if it will ever happen again. For now, I just want to enjoy the moment, had him cuddle me when he's around, buying things that I want, bring me to road trip, kiss me randomly at night when I sleep. Cry when I cried. Trying so hard to jaga my hati. Always tarik kepala I to sleep at his ketiak omg! Hug me tight, make sure I'm covered dengan selimut. 

I don't know but I feel if I mengungkit lagi, macam I break his heart. I fikir banyak kali sebelum reply whatsapp or cakap. Sometimes I dah type, then I delete and type benda yang takkan trigger marah dia. Bila I dah type tu I lega coz I dah buat even tak send kat dia faham tak. Bila nak cakap pun I akan mengungkit dalam hati but then istighfar jap and cakap benda baik2 je la untuk dia dengar dengan telinga tu. At least ada improvement. Dulu I memang hembus je apa dalam hati I and the consequences memang real bad lah kan. Now let say if I teringat, I akan nangis je. I won't say anything. Esok dia fly, malam ni I akan masak untuk lunch dia. And I akan buat cookies favourite dia choc chip sea salt cookies. Actually favourite I, but tu macam signature cookies I la untuk dia haha.. Then final nights tu normally we will cuddle and check each other nangis ke tak. Lol. Lama dah tak rasa berat hati nak lepaskan. I don't know, hikmah after what happen ni, relationship kitorang makin berkualiti. Makin matang mungkin. Alhamdulillah.. Tapi hope dia tak lupa, even I sayang pun I can walk away anytime and forget everything if benda jadi lagi. Parents I tak ajar pula kalau kena pijak just stay.

Tapi like I said previously, I just want to enjoy the moment. I love my husband, love my family, my kids, my friends. I love them all. Insyaallah amin.

Bahagia itu....

Menulis lagi.. tunggu isya jap lagi around 8.09pm. Bila menulis balik kat sini, faham2 jelah, suami saya sudah balik bekerja. Jadinya, takde lagi sesi batal air sembahyang everytime after solat. Maka, boleh la saya simpan wudhuk untuk next solat. Hihi.. Bersaya pula. 😅

Salam takziah untuk semua yang terkesan dengan Covid19. Tak dapat bayangkan kalau aku yang diuji macam tu. Kehilangan ahli keluarga, pasangan atau anak2. Astaghfirullahalazim.. Hugs to all of u. Lama dah aku puasa social media. Takde nak upload apa2 sebab zaman sekarang ni bagi aku, bahagia tu biarla kita yang rasa sendiri. Takde apa nak dibuktikan pun dekat orang lain. Tak sampai hati nak upload kebahagiaan, sedangkan ada insan lain yang baru kehilangan. 

Tak sangka dah setahun berlalu sejak kes dulu. Hati aku mungkin dah semakin pulih. Aku rasa la.. tapi bila husband balik kerja tu, aku masih rasa sedih, risau jugak sikit2. Macam tu lah. Tapi mungkin keadaan dah sangat baik berbanding tahun lepas, masa ni. Dari kecik sejenis kuat merajuk, memang lama la masa untuk aku betul2 pulih. Husband aku pun, kesabaran dia memang banyak diuji selama setahun ni. Anytime aku boleh trigger, anytime aku boleh moody. 

Looking back through gambar2 yang aku ambik dalam phone gallery, banyak benda aku perlu bersyukur. Husband aku, on his side, aku nampak dia berusaha sangat nak pulihkan hati aku. Bagi semua benda yang aku nak sampai aku dah tak tahu apa je lagi yang kurang. 

Da masuk isya gais. 

Lapar la bila tengok gambar2 dalam gallery ni. Hm...

View rumah adik aku

Talking to the moon..........

Aku dekat tower 1, bila dapat amek gambar tiga2 ni align

Fav anak saye

Fav anak lelaki saye

Cendol ni the bomb dekat Melaka

Ramen asam pedas telur mayong.. Weird taste tapi sedap

Fav drink saye... Cham Iced!

Ini masa kita lepak kopitiam. Lempeng sambal bilis paling terbaik kat sini

Kan dah cakap anak saya suka fries

Makan kat qbistro mmg kena order mee goreng! telio!

Ok bye nak isya dulu sebelum menyuap makanan ke mulut anak2 saye hahahahah 😉

Welcome July 2021

Bulan baru.. dekat Malaysia masih PKP to curb Covid 19. Kes sehari 5k+ to 6k+.. 

Lama sangat tak tulis dekat sini. Husband I (masih) since balik before his birthday haritu still di sini. Permit kerja still pending, hence most of them tak boleh balik Sarawak. Almost 3 months staying together, terlalu banyak ups and down. Imagine la.. I akan tulis blog when he's not around. Lama sangat I rasa I tak jengah this personal space sebab masa I memang occupied untuk family. Lagi2 dengan PKP ni dua2 work from home, anak2 PDPR.

This time MCO I rasa mentally exhausted sangat. If last time, I ada masa nak main basikal dekat Putrajaya (before incident kena tahan polis happened). Tapi kalini, nak naik basikal pun takde mood sebab tak boleh rentas daerah.. I memang takkan main dekat main road sebab I tak tahu bawak motor and tak pandai bajet. That's why before this I cuma akan main dekat taman2. But taman pun dah tak boleh sekarang. Tak boleh rentas daerah, tak boleh pergi more than 10km from your house.

December 2021 would be a hard core month for me. I ada 4 papers to finish. Memang I kena prepare from now or else I die lah kot. While I'm typing this, my cat massage me. Disturbing sungguhla. Ish.. Anak I kat luar tu.. PDPR start at 7.30am.. Dia pulak taknak pakai earphone. Hurm.. terpaksa layan ya.. 

Kelas baby kecik I start at 8.30am. If dia kelas, he wants me to teman him. Everyday ok. Sampai kelas dia habis around 11am. I pun akan duduk sebelah, doing my revision or doing my work. And kena layan dia if dia tanya soalan yang dia tak faham. 

Around 12ish, I akan start cooking for lunch. Normally simple je la. Routine PKP I terlalu sama everyday sampai somehow dah muak. Husband cakap suruh I masak sekali je sehari. If dah masak lunch, dinner order makan dekat luar. Yelah, kalau dinner hari2 nasi pataya, nasi goreng kampung... baik I masak sendiri jelah. Kena dengan tekak my family, tekak I. Bukan tak bersyukur. Tapi mak2 ni dia rasa puas kalau dia masak sendiri.

I akan buat kerja sampai around 5am macam tu. (ikut office hour), and I akan sambung la malam ke tengah malam ke if ada dateline nak meet. Kalau mood ke laut, siang layan netflix ke, astro go kt laptop. Malam I akan cover balik buat kerja. Flexible sangat cuma lebih baik kalau covid ni takde dah, and semua back to normal.

Gaduh laki bini tu biasa la. I ke yang tak bersyukur, mungkinla. Atau I terlalu demand ke? I don't think so. Kalau I demand, I minta husband I cari maid. I pun takkan buat semua kat rumah ni.. masak, cuci baju, cuci pinggan, sidai baju, lipat baju, setel anak semua, make sure dua2 orang tu ikut schedule PDPR. 

I wonder la.. ada ke husband and wife yang sentiasa 24 jam loving, sayang each other, tak pernah bergaduh.. semua indah je? For me, kitorang gaduh, kadang dua2 makan hati, sampai nangis2. I nangis, husband I nangis. Sebab benda kecik jela selalunya. Contoh : bila I beli beras, I akan beli beras wangi.. Bila husband beli, dia beli beras hancur. Benda macam ni pun boleh buat gaduh. From my point of view, gaji dia puluh2 k kot, bukan tak mampu. Benda nak bagi makan family. From his point of view, I tak bersyukur and takbur. I don't know. Bila fikir balik, mungkin dia pun main ambik je beras apa2 pun dekat mall tu. I syak kitorang ni dah stress duduk rumah.

It's okay.. by the time habis this year, I akan finish all my papers, my life will change 360 degrees. I nak manifest benda ni hari2. Insyaallah, aminn.

Sundae

Been so long since my last entry. Last week I ada cakap nak buat few things but I hanya mampu merancang.. Allah yang menentukan. I had my menses so I tak dapat buat la puasa straight seminggu 😑 I dapat few days jela but its ok. Effort is what matters kan.

16 days till Ramadhan. I dah dapat satu shake recipe using c&c which memang sedap. I think for Ramadhan, I akan all out jelah diet kan. Ada around sebulan setengah lagi so.. sempat sangat nak shed few more kgs. Since I first started my weight loss journey on early Feb'21, I have shed a total of almost 10kgs of weight. Insyaallah if I keep going doing things that I have learned from the support group, I'll be alright.

Last week jugak, my husband passed his assessment.. which die takut sangat tu. Because his superior and few of his colleague pun ada yang have to repeat the assessment again. But he did it the first time. I genuinely happy for him. 

His birthday is coming.. I had few activities planned already. So I hope all went as plan lah. I still follow diet, I would not say it is diet lah.. not strict coz u still have to stuff yourself with food. Cuma I dah belajar makan dengan portion yang betul, makan benda yang betul.. without having to suffer from starvation.

Chicken marinate w yogurt, pepper, salt.. with veges dipped with greek yogurt

Bekal I the other day.. masa dekat office. Yep, I actually dah mula rasa selesa makan macam ni. 

Weekend jugak I met my fren from uni.. we brought the kids to KL Bird Park. They had fun! Not our first time pun datang sini but this time I baru perasan ada hornbill. Amazed jap tengok. Super duper cantik.

Later on, we went off to kedai bunga favourite i. Sampai my daughter cakap mama kalau masuk kedai bunga mesti lama sebab tak tau nak pilih yang mana. Semua cantik2. 

Choice for the week

I ni normally bila masuk kedai akan terus nampak benda yang I nak. Means I dah grab this orange roses. Lepastu melilau lagi cari mana tahu nak tukar... then orange tadi letak balik. Somehow, after a while I mesti akan ambil balik orange tu semula sebab selalunya I akan patah balik dekat first choice I. I tak puas hati if tak pergi cari bunga lain tu yang jadi lama tu. Sedangkan if terus ambil je n bayar bunga first choice I tu, dah setel lama dah. Masalah orang perempuan kan.

That sum up last week punya cerita. Oh ya.. Neelofa dah kahwin semalam! I'm so so happy for her. Semoga perkahwinannya diberkati dan dilimpahkan rahmat oleh Allah swt. 

Husband I nak balik Khamis ni. So today jela last chance I nak kemas rumah before dia balik. Weekdays I kerja, memang tak lah nak kemas rumah teruk2. Till then, bye.

Bukan malaikat

I'm blogging while listening to Boyzone - No Matter What 😀 Almost 7am.. ade time sikit, so I think I just do some update here. 

I realise setiap manusia tu.. ada progress dia sendiri. Don't judge other that's what matters. Progress dalam hidup, progress emotionally.. progress in diet 😑.. haha.. afterall, we are just human. We are far from perfection.

As long as we try to improve ourselves everyday, we are gonna be okay.

Hidup di dunia ni.. cuma persinggahan. Sekejap je. Mungkin sehari, setahun, sepuluh tahun, seratus tahun.. lepas tu dah takde lagi. Semua yang ada dalam sistem ciptaan manusia ni, kita tak bawa masuk kubur pun. Selagi hidup, jadi je manusia yang beri manfaat kepada manusia lain. Alhamdulillah atas segala ujian dalam hidup I, menjadikan I manusia lebih baik hari ini, berbanding semalam. I sedar, my husband and I, we both bukan malaikat. Masing2 ada kekurangan.

I plan this week I nak puasa. Start from today. Sahur tadi I had my shake.. blend with all superfoods (kurma, chia seeds, madu kelulut). One thing yelah.. of course I nak shed weights. I've been cheating banyak sangat last week. Memang rasa bersalah but then.. like I said, I bukan malaikat and I'm not perfect haha..

Tapau lunch.. the healthiest yang I can choose hm..

Lunch semalam. This one diet approved

How sinful 😑

So this week, let's pretend I had braces and couldn't eat. Haha.. I nak sahur and buka with shake only the entire week. Wish me luck! My final leap of the month. I grew older dah, so I really need to take good care of my health la kan. Even though I don't know what the future holds. 

What I plan this week :

1. Fasting the whole week, sahur and buka with shake ONLY
2. Sembahyang zohor dekat surau awal. Not combine with asar haha.. Awal waktu please
3. Workout before buka puasa
4. Plank after subuh prayers
5. Try to study before sleep
6. If Allah woke me up at 4.30am, I should get up and be grateful to him by doing what I should

Insyaallah...

Yesterday my sister came over, then off we go to Titiwangsa. I tak naik basikal, I jogging ya.. But feels really good afterwards.

Balik taman, I pergi aeon stock up barang.. 9.30pm I still cooking for the kids. Untuk bekal diorang today. Mak2 macam ni lah. I takut I tak sempat. I tak sempat la nak bergayut dengan husband as usual malam ni.. so.. text will do lah kan. Deep down I know, but I just want to ignore for a while.. I'm afraid to put my expectation too high already. I love u too.

Till then, I should get ready for work now. 

I miss you

Lama tak update. My uncle passed away last week... 08.03.2021.. almost 09.03.2021 sebab dah dekat midnight.

Alfatihah to him..

Rush back to the north. Before that pick my daughter from school around 10am.. Journey took around 4 hours, we manage to arrive sebelum kebumi. I drove all the way there, since my husband is not around. Letih sangat. Planned to follow meal plan closely last week, tapi Allah knows better. Bila balik kampung, of course diet I ke laut lah. Sebab masakan my mom is something that I cannot resist. Good food, good companies. Lama sangat tak balik kampung sebab pkp. So this time kita balik to gather with the rest of the family.

My desert mist diffuser has arrived...

In love

I letak dalam bedroom, diffuse at night, sometimes in the morning, after my workout. Rasa tenang je.. As usual weekends I akan pergi cycling. Semua barang I sampai office when I'm not around that 2 days. Malu jugak macam asyik shopping je keje I hahaha.. CCTV, helmet basikal, lampu basikal, loceng basikal emgeee..

My baby

Serene

I balik rumah around 10am.. Pre work out I had my F1 shake. But I think I rindu my Choc Dutch shake lah. Next time I nak order choc one.. I cooked nasi lemak for the kids. They said sedap ya. 😋 Alhamdulillah, I manage to control myself from eating full plate of nasi lemak.

I had parpu telur healthy as per MP. Taste quite good, despite it is consider as healthy food.

Parpu telur healthy

Then around 4ish pm.. snaking time I had banana with peanut butter.  Also had ningxia sachet that I got from YL. Basically it has high antioxidant which is good untuk awet muda.

💋

Petang ni I ada class with Sunway. Concurrently I update blog jugak sebab ni je masa I ada to update today haha.. 

I selalunya text my husband on random things macam ni.. Jawapan dia pun selalunya 😎😵

I syak kalau husband I kerja dekat ni.. confirm I lagi kurus lah hahahah...lol  joking!

I miss him.. tapi tulah, kena cari benda lain to divert my mind from thinking too much on that. Story of PJJ couple. Macam ni lah. Really hope I akan kuat paddling this boat alone, sometimes. Huhu..

Love always 💝

Tentang hari ini

Hari ni, 21 February 2021, Sunday, husband balik semula ke offshore, prior to that kena mandatory quarantin for 2 weeks @ Pullman. His flight depart 9.10am in the morning. 

I have my reason kenapa dan mengapa I tulis semua ni which I prefer to keep it to myself. This time, berat sikit hati nak lepaskan, deep down I tahu I belum cukup kuat.

Separated again for at least one and a half month, as usual. Sumpah makin lama I makin tak kuat nak hidup macam ni. It has been 9 years. Since 2012. Friday night, I settle my reports requested by my CFO that will be due esok, Monday morning. Sebab I tak nak kacau my weekend with family, so I finish the report at 3am, terus submit. Saturday morning, my husband and I went for grocery shopping to stock up barang and later on the evening our family went to Titiwangsa just to spend time together.

Balik from Titiwangsa we singgah rumah in law, coz today husband I dah nak fly. Sampai rumah pukul 9pm, I terus bersilat kat dapur sebab I nak make sure I bekalkan his favourite choc chip sea salt cookies and lunch untuk esok (hari ni). Dapatlah 2 balang untuk husband I makan masa kuarantin.

Cookies dough I dah prepare before we went out to Titiwangsa, basically I cuma mould it and bake dalam oven jelah. Concurrently doing that, I masak daging berempah masak hitam ala kenduri resepi che nom for my husband. Siap semua benda around 11pm, I mandi and we Isya' together. Dalam fikiran I, tomorrow Subuh jela last dia boleh imamkan I before dia balik 😭

I dah janji dengan diri I, I will do the best for this marriage, so that I tak menyesal if anything happen. Sebab yang penting, I dah buat sedaya upaya I. To be honest, I bukan lah seorang yang tahu masak, but at least I cuba. Never in my whole life my mom would let me buat cookies ke, masak ke.. sebab my mom is a typical housewife yang nak buat semua benda sendiri. Then I dah masuk boarding school start from Tingkatan 1, uni etc, memang I tak berkesempatan nak belajar masak pun. All these while I belajar guna utube. I pun tak tahu sejak bila I jadi pandai masak. At least boleh la masak benda yang edible. Haha.

He hugged me tight last night. Betul2 dari malam sampai ke pagi. Patutah I bangun macam sakit leher. Normally memang tidur we will hug each other tapi takdelah sampai ke pagi. Bila dah deep sleep kita pun pandai cari port selesa. Memang tak lah berbantalkan lengan dia je sampai pagi. But yesterday memang everytime I drifted apart dia akan tarik I balik. Hm.. Suddenly I terbangun sebab he kissed my forehead lama sangat I think around 5am macam tu. And he cried. I terkejut kot why! Pagi2 dah nangis. And he taknak bagi tau. Cakap pms la apela.. memang tak la nak guna excuse I kan.

Finally dia cakap, he cried sebab kesian tengok I struggle masak untuk dia. Then he told me he want to do his very best for me and the kids. I jenis kalau orang nangis, I pun akan ikut nangis jugak. Sedihla.. Dalam hati I, he do love me, but at the same time, fikiran I cakap he did that sebab kesian dekat I macam struggling sangat for this marriage. I tak tahu kenapa I jadi macam ni. I just nak make sure dia cukup makan, happy bila dengan I and anak2. Pasal hati dan perasaan dia sendiri, I tak boleh baca, cukuplah I cuba the very best I can selagi I boleh buat. I sendiri tak tau apa yang I buat ni betul ke tak. Cuma I betul2 taknak menyesal if I tak buat. Tu je..

I can see that kind of perseverance and determination dalam diri my first born. She learned to cycle herself. She practise everyday just to get the balance. I sampai kesian tengok dia berpeluh2 dahaga practise. And finally she made it! Sama macam I, once I nekad, I'll just do it. People might find it pitiful tapi sebenarnya I buat untuk diri I.

Priceless

💗

Life is a journey

Not a destination

I no longer showing my love through words, I think. I showed it through my action. Words ni no more impactful for me, at least.

He did update everything, bagi gambar proof even though I tak minta. I sampai rasa I kejam. Tapi, benda2 ni I tak rasa I perlukan pun. Sebab, trust, it take years to build, seconds to break. I might believe, tapi bukan 100%. Dulu I pernah je minta macam ni. Tapi tu dulu lah. Sekarang ni, I tak perlukan lagi.

I do love my husband. But I don't want to be fooled by words anymore. I harap we will reunited back di syurga nanti. Tetap jodoh I sampai syurga sebab he deserve it. I always pray for him.. everytime. What I pray is between Allah and me, I cuma doakan yang baik2 untuk dia. I je isteri yang tak sempurna. So, my resolution this year, I will do my very best to be the perfect version of myself. For myself.

Tipulah kalau I cakap I tak sedih. It kills me inside. As a wife, memang I sedih atas semua yang jadi. Tapi I pun faham, Allah tak jadikan benda yang berlaku tu sia-sia. Indirectly, I lebih dekat dengan Allah, I lebih appreciate masa dengan family. Walaupun hati I ni berdarah-darah kena siat lepastu tabur garam n perah limau lagi. I wish seluruh keturunan I dijauhkan dari perosak rumah tangga orang. 

I pun pernah muda tapi persoalannya kau muda ke pompuan?, pernah kena chase, tapi jauh sekali nak keluar dengan lelaki yang bergelar suami orang. Coz I have respect for the family. I harap Allah jauhkan keluarga dan keturunan I dari manusia macam ni. Perempuan yang tak de batas. Berlindung di sebalik agama. Cukuplah kot berdoa dekat facebook, tapi disebaliknya takde rasa bersalah pun. Tetap acah2 suci. I bukan orang yang baik pun. Freehair je smpai 20an. Tapi batas kemanusiaan tu insyaallah I tetap jaga. So that takde hati yang terluka sebab I. 

So sampai sini jelah coretan hari ni. I nak bake cake dengan my babies pulak sebab dah janji.💋