Pregnant Again on our 13th Years of Marriage

Happy new year 2025! How time flies. I don't even remember what I did in 2024. 

17th Nov 2024. The day I found out that I'm pregnant with our third baby. I am at 37 years old, both kids are now independent, doing their own stuff and suddenly.... 2025 will be the year that I will have to roam back to milk and diapers aisle. 

11th weeks now, and I feel like shit. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just try to live everyday. I don't have any appetite for foods, but I know I have to eat for my growing baby. At the same time I still have to go to work. Luckily my morning sickness only happen after maghrib. I would throw up like nobody's business.

Bloated 24/7 is normal now. Salute to mommies who gets pregnant every year to go through all these. I can eat fruits, but I hate it now. I hate filtered water be it at home/ office. I just hate to drink because it taste weird. I hate chicken but I don't have options. I hate seafood and meat, basically I hate everything but I force myself to eat something at least.

I felt sleepy and hungry all the time. I will eat mixed nuts all just because I have to stop my growling stomach. As for my husband, normally we would go for date nights, after the kids were asleep. Now, no more since I don't even have the mood to do anything. Really felt bad for him. Please tell me this will be over soon.

I realized lately anything that I thought, somehow will be materialized. I'm not sure how and why though. I want my mom fried beehoon so badly. My mom lived 4-5 hours away from me hence I know I won't be getting it sooner. I never tell anyone about this craving, and obviously my mom don't have any idea about it. My mom came to my house and guess what? She brought her fried beehoon! I cried thinking that Allah has been so generous to me.

I don't know what happen with this beehoon cravings. One day, my husband brought us to a Thai restaurant. I didn't tell him what I want to eat because I don't have the mood for anything. Deep down I felt like eating fried beehoon that night. Quite disappointed that they do not have it in their menus. Its ok, I ordered Phad That instead. Guess what? The waiter came to me to tell me that the Phad Thai is out of stock, so I had to order something else. I casually tell him that I want to have fried beehoon. Yes! Of course I got my fried beehoon. I'm shooked!

Last 2 weeks I thought, would be good if we can travel to Bali. I didn't plan or say anything to my husband about this, coz it is just a thought. I didn't feel like myself pun to travel due to my pregnancy. One evening after work, my husband ask me to choose any place to go and ask me to plan a short trip at least to go getaway for a few days. He handed me his card and voila! Off we go to Bali the very next day. When this happened, somehow I felt scary. Why Allah has granted my wishes so easily. I would still cry in the car every morning, even when I listened to Zikr. Maybe its the pregnancy hormone right? Even the simplest thing, for instance if I saw a rainbow in the sky while driving, I felt like its a gift from Allah to me and he sees me even though Im just a human, and that made me cry.

Today it happened again, Remember I told that I hate to drink the filtered water? We have someone came over to service our water filter this morning and she accidentally broke the pipe hence we can't use the dispenser until the maintenance guy came later in the evening. My husband was worried that we don't have water to drink in between. He bougth loads and loads of Spritzer water and yeah. Actually, that is the only kind of water that I would drink right now during this first trimester. I think, the stock he bought might last until months. Actually, every morning before work, I would drop by the gas station to buy Spritzer as my drinking water throughout the day and now of course I don't need to already. I am really grateful somehow, even when I didn't say to anyone what I need/ wants, Allah always knew it and he will make it happen. There's always a way.

I don't intend to blurt out everything, some of it I will keep to myself. I jot this so that I will always remember. I can't wait for this baby to arrive. This is a big Rezq that Allah has granted us. Actually it is the doa of  the brother and sister that was being granted by Allah. Alhamdulillah. I don't know how will I manage this, but I know, I can and I will do it somehow. It has been 10 years since I last giving birth, of course I forget things. My husband treat me like I am the first time mom haha.. But pity them coz I dont have the  mood for anything right now, i.e to lepak, to do chores, to cook etc. This too, shall pass insyaallah.

10.43pm, bedroom SR.

Cry for me

Pagi ni.. bangun awal sikit.. around 4.30am sebab semalam tidur awal sangat. Ready lunch box for the kids, sempat masak laksa kurus untuk diri sendiri. Haha..

My lunchbox today...

I bukan peminat laksa actually.. tapi i commit nak follow meal plan, so there u go. Tak habis pun makan.. asalkan kenyang je.

Harini nak membebel tentang hukum ganggu rumah tangga orang. Perempuan ni ada banyak jenis.. Ada je yang sebolehnya elak keluar dengan suami orang, ada yang nampak luaran je macam baik tapi takde segan silu keluar dengan suami orang.. ada jugak yang nampak macam jenis main redah, i.e nampak luaran macam jahat, tapi takkan sampai hati ganggu rumah tangga orang.

Basically.. kita tak boleh menilai manusia dari luaran sebenarnya. Yang nampak baik tu, tak semestinya hati baik, yang nampak jahat tu, tak semestinya hati busuk. Perempuan yang ada maruah dan harga diri, mostly takkan proceed pun berkawan dengan suami orang. Tak ada istilah kawan ye antara lelaki dan perempuan yang dah berkahwin. Whatever u put into the universe, will come back to u. Ketahuilah, one day, kau buat rumahtangga orang macam ni.. Kau akan rasa jugak apa yang kau buat ni. Kalau bukan kau, anak cucu keturunan kau akan rasa semua benda yang kau buat dekat rumah tangga orang lain. Honestly, bila kau rasa ok je makan2 tengok wayang dengan suami orang lain without the wife knowing, kau memang perempuan yang tak tau batas. Murahan. Hidup ni mudah je... kalau tak mampu nak menyenangkan orang, jangan menyusahkan orang.

Ketahuilah hukum mengganggu rumah tangga orang adalah HARAM.

Kesan dia banyak ya.. bukan sekadar tu je. Yang tahu, tahulah. Hati isteri ni, kalau dah mati rasa, susah. Bila dia tahu dekat hati suami tu ada si sundal sial ni. Mostly akan undur diri. Unless suami ni cepat tersedar yang dia dah buat kesilapan bila dah tesedar dari mimpi sementara tu. Cubalah sekuat daya pun nak dapat semula hati isteri yang dah luka tu.. kesannya tetap ada. Maafkan mungkin, melupakan mungkin tak. Eventhough the husband already cut off all the ties and communication.

Trust issue tu ada. If the event happen bila pasangan suami isteri ni tak ada masalah pun, mungkin suami hanya rasa nak isi kekosongan yang ada. The aftermath tu.. bukan hanya atas isteri sahaja, tetapi kesan dekat suami pun ada. Lagi-lagi bila isteri dah diam dan tak meratap menangis, mengamuk semua, suami sikit sebanyak rasa je yang wife dia tak takde trust pun dekat dia. And dia akan question whether wife dia masih sayangkan dia seikhlas hati lagi ke tak macam dulu. Wife pulak selalunya akan rasa worthless.. question balik aku tak pandai jaga suami that's why jadi macam ni. Tapi perempuan kuat, dia selalunya akan diam je dan do things that make her happy. Invest in herself more after the event happen in their marriage.

Semua dah dewasa, dah faham. I personally, alhamdulillah tak pernah proceed nak kenal dengan suami orang lain masa belum kahwin dulu. Suami orang ni, memang tak dinafikan agak directlah in terms of approach dia tu. Tak tau lah memang ada je so called 'anak dara' yang boleh terima approach direct macam tu. Tapi ramaiiii je lagi perempuan baik kat luar sana bolayan je ajakan lelaki yang dah ada family ni ; i.e yang dah berkahwin. I syak so called anak dara tu memang sejenis desperate dats y rembat jelah apa yang ada 😏😏

Takpe, I mampu kesian je hahahha..

Wife ni sometimes bukan sengaja nak bersikap kurang ajar ke ape..tapi ketahuilah isteri yang disayangi oleh suami akan menjadi isteri yang mentaati. Perempuan ni cara dia defend diri dia macam tu lah sampai kadang kala tersalah tafsir dikatakan kurang ajar. I dah malas nak membebel pasal ni. Sebabnya.. benda ni.. semua orang tau je. Cuma dia jadi jugak kat orang lain2.. Nak cakap fitrah pun tak.. mostly sebab gagal kawal hawa nafsu. Gagal hadap ujian bila ada pihak ketiga cuba menyondol.

My day harini not bad lah.. alhamdulillah atas rezeki hari ni..

I manage to settle all outstanding task today.. CFO I on leave so cam hip hip hooray lah kat ofis dia takde haha..

Jambu air colleage I bagi.. buat snacking pagi

Bouquet duit n loket gift from my FSD

Girls out there.. value your worth. Invest in yourself.. Hidup jangan menyusahkan orang.. Cuba gembirakan orang sekeliling. Jangan ambil hak orang. Keep moving forward!! 💝 Hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk terus meratap. Doakan I shed more and more weight this week ya.. Doakan yang baik2 untuk diri sendiri.. stay positive! Yang penting... jom ber'oil'ing dulu 😉

Random ramblings

Sunday is famday..

I baru dapat forwarded message that Selangor ppl tak boleh g Putrajaya ya.. Tu dah kira rentas negeri. Whateves. I suppose orang Putrajaya pun tak boleh lah rentas pergi Selangor kan. Rasanyaaaa lah. 😏

I takde mood langsung nak g sana, even though kita pay tax jugak tapi tak boleh pun nak guna kemudahan yang dibangunkan guna duit rakyat tuh. Funny much. Nak komen banyak, I'm just a potato. So, I sauna je today.. Then kemas rumah. At 3 pm keluar bawa the kids.. pergi taman di SELANGOR, makan2 etc.

I had lunch today ikut MP.

Peri peri chicken ala nandos with oriental salad

Bukan I nak cakap ya.. tapi this time recipe ni almost perfect macam Nandos. I finished everything. Since ada diffuser ni memang rasa best je. Husband I cakap harap I tidur lena takde nak marah2 lagi da hahahha.. Betullah tu.

I went to my favourite florist today.. beli roses and baby breath. Ganti bunga I yang da kering tu. Made my day. Eh dekat Selangor lagi banyak benda best lah. Lol.. No point nak stress over unnecessary thing kan. If one door close, many doors lagi akan open for u. Don't worry.

New day new love

Diffuse Peppermint tonite..

New week started tomorrow.. I dah commit nak release lagi 2kgs this week. So yeah.. just keep on following MP rapat2, drink at least 3L water daily.. try to makan on time. Exercise a bit. I think I'm gonna be okay.. Just tryna love myself more. U know.. sebanyak mana cinta pada manusia, semua tu cuma pinjaman. Kalau u sendiri tak sayang diri u, u expect orang lain akan sayang u ke? No.

I wanna get rid of all negative vibes, negative people around me as much possible. Selagi I hidup, I want to live my life, for me, for the kids, for the people around me that I cherish. If I nak daki gunung ke today, I'll do it because this is my life. Hidup ni senang je.. asalkan tak menyimpang dari agama semua akan ok. 

My exboss call me, ask me to join his Company. It is actually MNC company lah specialised in Oil and Gas. Better offer, definitely. Tapi since I akan move to Bangi around next year, I takkan la nak join the Company for short term je kan. I guess I'll stick to my current Company jelah. Husband jauh, I sebenarnya memang have to kerja around tempat I stay je. Lucky jugaklah, my current Company pun is a PLC, which banyak je benda I belajar. Rezeki tak kemana ya. I ada juga potray myself as home baker ke macam tu, but I rasa sebab I sayang je accounting ni so yeah.. tak kot. I foresee myself climbing the career ladder, at the same time maybe provide consultation service macam tu.

My husband, on the other hand, career path dia memang dekat offshore. Now da start assessment for OIM, I guess... I takde lah harap dia akan come back by my side for good dalam masa terdekat ni. Que sera sera whatever wil be wil be. Ape pun, I akan selalu doakan husband I berjaya dalam apa pun yang dia lakukan.

I think dats all. Really need my beauty sleep. Rejuvenate. 💓

I miss you

Lama tak update. My uncle passed away last week... 08.03.2021.. almost 09.03.2021 sebab dah dekat midnight.

Alfatihah to him..

Rush back to the north. Before that pick my daughter from school around 10am.. Journey took around 4 hours, we manage to arrive sebelum kebumi. I drove all the way there, since my husband is not around. Letih sangat. Planned to follow meal plan closely last week, tapi Allah knows better. Bila balik kampung, of course diet I ke laut lah. Sebab masakan my mom is something that I cannot resist. Good food, good companies. Lama sangat tak balik kampung sebab pkp. So this time kita balik to gather with the rest of the family.

My desert mist diffuser has arrived...

In love

I letak dalam bedroom, diffuse at night, sometimes in the morning, after my workout. Rasa tenang je.. As usual weekends I akan pergi cycling. Semua barang I sampai office when I'm not around that 2 days. Malu jugak macam asyik shopping je keje I hahaha.. CCTV, helmet basikal, lampu basikal, loceng basikal emgeee..

My baby

Serene

I balik rumah around 10am.. Pre work out I had my F1 shake. But I think I rindu my Choc Dutch shake lah. Next time I nak order choc one.. I cooked nasi lemak for the kids. They said sedap ya. 😋 Alhamdulillah, I manage to control myself from eating full plate of nasi lemak.

I had parpu telur healthy as per MP. Taste quite good, despite it is consider as healthy food.

Parpu telur healthy

Then around 4ish pm.. snaking time I had banana with peanut butter.  Also had ningxia sachet that I got from YL. Basically it has high antioxidant which is good untuk awet muda.

💋

Petang ni I ada class with Sunway. Concurrently I update blog jugak sebab ni je masa I ada to update today haha.. 

I selalunya text my husband on random things macam ni.. Jawapan dia pun selalunya 😎😵

I syak kalau husband I kerja dekat ni.. confirm I lagi kurus lah hahahah...lol  joking!

I miss him.. tapi tulah, kena cari benda lain to divert my mind from thinking too much on that. Story of PJJ couple. Macam ni lah. Really hope I akan kuat paddling this boat alone, sometimes. Huhu..

Love always 💝

Doa itu harapan

First day of going to school in the year 2021 for my 2 children. 

I woke up at 4.30am today. Maybe sebab I nervous lah that's why almost every hour I akan terjaga.. Setahun lebih online classes.. they both excited to go to school. I prep kan my daughter's bekal etc, woke her up at 5.15am, prep her breakfast and 6.00am transporter datang pick her up. Must be a really tiring day for her today. Kesian anak I. Huhu..

My first born, honestly me as a mom, I nampak dia tak pernah langsung menyusahkan I. She did her homework herself, even when we arrange for tuition, teacher datang rumah ajar Bahasa Cina summore at night.. She's giving her all. Tak pernah teacher complaint. Her brother pulak, jenis manja. Anak bongsu at the moment, he's 6 years old now. Always asking his sister to accompany him during his online class. The sister teman je.. never complant. I once heard her conversation with his dad. My husband asking her what she wants, he'll get it for her. Ask him anything that she wants.. Sebab she never minta anything from us. Then I heard she says that she don't know what she wants coz she has everything already 😭 Then she says, if my husband insist on buying her something, just buy her a mandarin dictionary. She's 8 years old now.. Then she says if he happen to see Godiva Pearl chocolate at the airport, just buy her that. She says that after my husband insist that she must have a thing that she really wants. I macam nak nangis bila tengok how responsible she is. 

I doakan both my child dipermudahkan urusan, dilapangkan dada menerima ilmu, dilindungi dari bahaya dan kejahatan, diluaskan rezeki, jadi anak yang tak meninggalkan sembahyang.. anak yang soleh dan solehah. Amin YRA.

Today I wfh lah since my office close one day due to sanitizing process at our floor. Swab result negative, alhamdullillah. Almost all finance department got negative result so yey. 

I breakfast my usual F1 shake, almost finish dah the dutch chocolate. Tak sabar nak start consume yang cookies and cream pulak after this. 

Roti boyan using japanese sweet potato

Honestly, sedap. And kenyang sangat. I macam ni lah.. Bila husband ada, I susah sikit nak diet sebab I know he enjoys food so much.. then we will always eat outside ke.. or when at home I mestila kena masak his favourite food kan. Kalau I, memang I boleh je makan makanan heathy macam ni sebab honestly I tak pernah teringin pun kuah masak lemak etc. Husband I, on the other hand, automatic bila dia ada kat sini, I nak stuff dia dengan all his favourite. Unless he request nak eat healthy, ok je la I buatkan.

2021, I want to fly high. Like really high.

I nak belajar berenang, nak belajar naik kuda before year end. In terms of my career, I need to finish my study lah. I tak risau sangat sebab I rasa I dah on track sekarang since I pun memang tengah belajar. It's not that I don't know how to swim, tapi I imagine diri I nak berenang macam atlet tu haha.. If not pun at least berenang macam Sazzy Falak. Really fit at her age, macam she never aged at all. Naik kuda pulak, I terfikir nak buat something yang out of my routine. Then, I nak lose weight. I think I'm on track at the moment, insyaallah sebab ada proper coaching at it works for me. Cuma I need to register myself for class la on the swimming and horse ride part 😅 belum start lagi. Basikal tetap basikal ya.. every weekend wajib pergi.

I nak share waktu mustajab berdoa yang works for me selain lepas sembahyang :

• antara azan dan iqamat
• ketika iqamat
• hari Jumaat, malam Jumaat
• waktu sahur, sebelum fajar
• waktu turun hujan

Sebenarnya, if I baca waktu terbaik untuk berdoa tu... almost setiap kali is waktu terbaik. Kuncinya doa je. Doa je apa yang kita nak, even Allah dah tahu pun sebenarnya apa kita nak. Tapi bila berdoa tu, menunjukkan kita ni sebenarnya hanyalah hamba yang lemah, yang berharap, yang berserah. Allah akan kabulkan semua yang kita nak. Cuma kita perlu berdoa. InsyaAllah...

Okaylah I nak beli groceries, then pick up my childrent from sekolah agama later. 

💖

 

Most productive day it seems

6.30am woke up. Drink a bit. Perform my subuh prayers. 7.00am start enjin, cari port cycling. I reach Taman Rimba for the first time... tapi port dekat situ macam tak sesuai untuk cyling plus sunyi a bit it scares me.

Then I pergi my usual spot... This time around I cycling jauhhhhhh lagi dari hari tu. Stamina I increase a bit la kot. That's the reason why. 

Enjoy below pics of my experience today...

Start cycle around 7.30am... and habis at 10am. Actually I thought taman tu is a one big cycle tau.. I mungkn end up akan jumpa balik tempat yang sama. But nope guys. Nope. I dah cycling sampai end of the park... Actually it crossed 3 parks sebenarnya. Took me almost a hour untuk sampai ke hujung. Imagine I have to patah balik to my car.... using back the same route. That's why jadi berejammmm hahahahaha.. Silly me.

10am still a lot of people at the park.. dengan family, picnic. Nice scene to see sebenarnya. Cantik sangat taman2 kat sini.. people should utilise it more. Sayang la kalau kemudahan ada, tapi tak semua orang utilise.

Then as I mentioned sebelum ni, aunty I nak bertunang today. I have to be there at 11.30am sebenarnya. Imagine I masih dekat park at 10.00am.. Nak balik mandi semua, memang rushing to reach at the event by 11.30am. Fortunately, I made it on time. Hehe..

Congrats my aunty on your engagement

Sempatlah mingle with my other uncles and aunties, together with all the cousins.. I gerak balik rumah lepas Asar je. Will lots and lots of food bawa balik from the event. I almost forgot that I got class at 6.00pm until 8.00pm today. Hujan lebat sangat, kereta semua slow je.. Banjir summore. I stuck dalam jem la sikit. I betul2 reach home by 6.01pm... Masa tu class dah start! 😨 Nasib lah baru intro je masa I masuk tu. So far so good. I love the lecture. Harap I ok jelah dengan kelas semua ni. Online je pun.

Finished at 8.15pm macam tu, I baru nk perform my Maghrib prayer. I know, lambat. My bad... Isya 8.37pm today. Again, I masih ngam2 untuk sume benda harini huhuhuh.. But at least I cuba buat kan. Then after habis semua, around 9.30pm macam tu CFO i whatsapp bagitau ada colleague dekat ofis positive. So our office officially close on Monday untuk sanitise. And all the staffs need to buat swab test. Shit. 

Baru je HR keluar memo kena kerja everyday. The first day of kerja everyday itself office kena tutup. As expected lah. Cos case tinggi but school pun dah reopen, cinema pun sama. So, why bother?

Tonight, again, we fight. Sebab he asked me to send his picture for his slide/ work purpose la if I ada. Of course I ada. But I memang tak akan bagi. Why? Because I taknak benda lama berulang lagi. Call it traumatised or what, tapi I memang tak akan bagi his picture to him. Like no. Big no. Even I have it, it is for my safekeeping only la. I taknak babi gemok sial sundal celaka tu dapat gambar dia, when the memories belong to me and him. Only.

And I tell to his face that I won't give. That picture masa we both jog together before we got married, the day I cooked him spaghetti bolognese simply becoz it is his favourite. I snap his picture after dia makan. And that picture.... is the picture I hate the most now.

My day has been good, tapi it ended quite bad today. Takpelah. I'll try again tomorrow. Esok I got swab test at 2pm.. morning maybe I nak pergi cycling lagi since it's weekend.. Monday ofis tutup. Yey for that! First day my daughter and son akan going for physical class, luckily I off. My sister will come over tomorow sebab dia tertinggal barang. And I nak stock up groceries to follow meal plan.. tak tahu pukul berapa. But have to la since I betul2 nak commit this month. We cannot come to office until the results are out.. takpe lah. Mesti ada silver lining di sebalik semua ni.

Goodnight 

What's your number

As I mention previously, the month of March should be the month of diet for me. Failed until 3rd March, we shall see today if I failed again, I will update tomorrow.

Normally from breakfast until petang ok je, still makan makanan yang good for the body. Tapi, dinner susah sikit for me sebab bila order food for my kids, automatically I pun jadi lapar dan makan makanan berat2.. Ah nangis! 😭

Today, I wfh. Tapi I hantar the kids to school.. so I can focus more lah. Selalunya tak hantar pun if I wfh walaupun fees dah bayar full. Sometimes sebulan tak sampai seminggu pun diorang dekat school especially when my husband is in town.

Lunch I just grab my F1, mixed with low fat milk, chia seeds and madu kelulut. I just madly in love with superfoods. I hope they work wonders. Long term boleh nampak lah effect dia.

Day before and yesteday, here's my lunch.. *drumrolls*

Wholemeal bread with tomatoes, prawn n cheese 💓

Lunch ikut MP... Pizza ape tah but quite nice and kenyang

Bread to my own recipe lah. Of coz bread beli yg dah siap.. I cari yang low GI. Sedap je makan macam tu and kenyang coz I have fruits and salad summore.

Bottom one is pizza recipe from my coach.. Not really pizza please. Ni pizza sihat je tau..

Breakfast alhamdulillah masih elak lagi la makan nasi lemak ke, laksam (my fav!) kuih muih semua sebab I cuma consume F1+chia seeds+soymilk/ milk + black seed + madu kelulut jer. So far I rasa sihat with my choice.

This month I target nak lose 5kgs of berat. Insyaallah I have to really be discipline in terms of food intake, at the same time I have to exercise jugak kan. Sekarang ni weekend normally I akan pergi cycling alone while the kids still asleep. Fret not, adik I ada je kat rumah. Takde lah tinggal the kids without supervision.

Like I said just now, dinner I memang ke jurang mariana huhuhu.. I had mcd maigod! and yesterday I had nasi arab!!! Nangis!

So sedap yet so sinful.. This portion share 3 orang with my 2 kids

Balik rumah tengok jiran I bagi pulut retis lak letak kat motor 😭

Susah I nak elak makan bila dengan orang lain. Bila masak for the kids, I pun cam terliur2 end up I makan paling banyak. Uwaaa!!!

I'm happy with my number today. Kalau dapat turun 6kgs better sangat dah. It's hard, but with proper guidance and perseverance nothing can defeat u. I think it is possible la sebab last month I berjaya je turun 2.6kg even though I memang diet macam tak diet je and a lotttt of cheating hahahahahha.. makan mcd, pizza siap!

Still early of the month, really do hope that I menang this time. Like seriously. Let's just treat this as my journal ok.

Kereta I kena calar.. this morning baru perasan so I end up beli cctv kt shopee.. huhu.. pastuh beli lagi touch up paint, helmet basikal dengan sofa cover uhuk!

Ade la hikmah even I pissed off sangat pagi tadi. Now I dah cool down a bit. I memang harap orang yang buat tu hidup die takkan tenang and banyak masalah sebab dah menyusahkan orang lain. Kamonla, kereta bukan murah tau. Senang2 je nak calarkan sedap mak nenek kau. Sekarang kau tengah aniaya orang. Tunggu jela balasan kau nanti. Memang tak lah nak doakan yang baik2 hahaha..

Gile bhai negative vibe dari pagi. I tension gile da la ade webinar hari ni.. tak fokus sangat sebab geram punya pasal. I really hate to start my day dengan negative vibe. Tapi nak buat macam mana benda dah jadi.

What's my number? Number I end with 6 today. 😙 So yeah, lets target 6kg this month to round up that figure, no?

💓

Essential Oil

 I minta essential oil from my husband today. 

Pinjam gambar

Dia transfer je suruh I beli. But before that suruh I tengok shopee la lazada la berapa price dia. Siap cakap kalau I suruh dia beli towel dia taknak. Its Norwex la.. towel pulak. Don't care. I nak yang ni so he has to buy it. 

I gaduh over unnecessary thing. We made up and move on as usual. Biasalah perempuan memang akan selalu menang walaupun salah. Hakikat yang husband I masih belajar nak terima.

This morning I pergi cycling lagi.. Solo je. As usual.

See these view...

Hello matahari

End of the park

Semalam I macam takut nak habiskan pusing satu taman sebab depan tu sunyi. But today I manage to habiskan. The view is so worth it. Tak rasa penat pun maybe sebab stamina dah build up. So ok je... Got few new friends today. Even ada yang ajak I join group basikal.. But for now I dont think so haha.. Dekat hujung tasik ni.. I sorang je. Whatsapping my husband this picture... then he replied..

"Kayuhla laju2 then balik rumah"

LOL.

Then a guy honking and blocking my way.. turn out that dia nak number I. His friends pun ada.. and jokingly teasing him sebab dia buat macam tu. I smiled and ignore jelah.. I bother to smile sebab dia quite good looking jelah or else #matakeatastangankebahu . Sis gurau je janganla bitter. Hehe.. I cerita part atas je dekat husband I. Bila gaduh a bit tadi baru I cerita part yang orang minta number ni. Dan2 jela cakap sumpah sayang I semua.. Hahahaa.. I know.

My sister joined me later today at the park with my 2 nephew. I was about to finish dah.. Then lepak my house. Husband dia kerja sampai pukul 5 today.. So chill jelah harini.

Dah keluarkan siakap and daging for today's lunch. I guess I have to start cooking. Hehe..

Till then peeps! 💖

Favourite escape

Woke up at 6.30am yesterday.. Then off to my favourite place.. nak naik basikal. Solo je since husband dah balik g kerja. Tapi i suka je sebab i boleh ikut my own pace. 

I woke up to this. Motivation i untuk bangun tengok sunrise... every morning.. Get my daily dose of vitamin d. 😀

Finished watching movie titled 'adrift' on netflix. Cerita pasal young adventurous couple pergi sailing then terperangkap dalam ribut dekat lautan pacific. Based on true story.. remind me of cerita 'life of pi' a lot. Stranded dekat laut.. trying to survive.

Habis cycling, I stopped by dekat tempat itik. Uncle ni tengah nak bagi makan dekat itik2 sini. I minta nak masuk tengok. Suppose tak boleh masuk but dia bagi je. Those ducklings... cute sangat. Really enjoy the nature bila datang sini.

Bila u naik basikal, laju sikitlah u nak pusing every corner of this park kan.. Seram sikit pergi sorang2 sebab sometimes jalan sunyi.. Depan sikit ada orang.. then sunyi balik. Macam tu lah. Weekend2 macam ni jela aktiviti i. Sambil try to shed few kgs sambil tengok nature. 

💖

No more asking why

25.2 2021, 2.30am.. had my menses. No wonder I'm full on nonsense these past few days.

Had nothing since this morning. Patut puasa je kan. I memang nak puasa, but I know, it is almost that time of the month, tak nak jadi macam bulan lepas.. 6.50pm I figure out that I had my menses. Sikit lagi nak buka puasa huhuhu..

After this, I puasa jelah all the way throughout the month.. at least I can shed some weights hehe.. Tak lama dah nak puasa. Less than 45 days. Talked to myself on the mirror, look into my eyes and I think I had enough. Myself should do what she's gotta do. No more living in grief. If that someone really wants her, then he'll make effort for it. Or else. It doesn't matter.

My mantra of losing weight this time is..

"Don't eat nonsense or else u'll look exactly like a fat bitch macam that babi penyondol"

Ok. Make sense. Bagus juga kau gemok. Coz I am not u. And I don't want to be like you, breathe the same air as u, look like u, and I don't want to be everything like u. That's it. I'm not going to the place you go, I'm not using the same brand, even the colour of the car u use, and your nonsense fashion sense. Whatever reminded me of u, I'll detach myself. So, u perempuan gemok, I'm so not gonna be gemok like u.

So far, menjadi ya. Bila I rasa nak makan, or minum air manis I will chant this mantra to myself.

Sounds cruel kan I. U should know why I jadi macam ni. And u know exactly why.

Yesterday, 24th Feb at night, 2nd birthday celebration of my MIL. This time with her friends and relatives. Party started at 8.30pm.. Arrived home around 10.45pm. I do not mingle much sebab masih cuba jaga SOP. So far ok je went as planned.

Today I plan to go buy my daughter's necessities for school, since school will reopen on 1st March 2021. Hopefully the government didn't make a uturn this time. Too tired already.

Today also we have ACM meeting for Q4 2020. I get ready jelah if CFO needs assistance. 

Petang i'll bring the kids for cycling ke ape dekat taman. Tomorrow I'll work from office. That's how dull my life is haha. Oh ya, tak de roadblock dah so cepat je sampai rumah, Tak jemmm otak pikir road block 😒

Xoxo 💗

Tentang hari ini

Hari ni, 21 February 2021, Sunday, husband balik semula ke offshore, prior to that kena mandatory quarantin for 2 weeks @ Pullman. His flight depart 9.10am in the morning. 

I have my reason kenapa dan mengapa I tulis semua ni which I prefer to keep it to myself. This time, berat sikit hati nak lepaskan, deep down I tahu I belum cukup kuat.

Separated again for at least one and a half month, as usual. Sumpah makin lama I makin tak kuat nak hidup macam ni. It has been 9 years. Since 2012. Friday night, I settle my reports requested by my CFO that will be due esok, Monday morning. Sebab I tak nak kacau my weekend with family, so I finish the report at 3am, terus submit. Saturday morning, my husband and I went for grocery shopping to stock up barang and later on the evening our family went to Titiwangsa just to spend time together.

Balik from Titiwangsa we singgah rumah in law, coz today husband I dah nak fly. Sampai rumah pukul 9pm, I terus bersilat kat dapur sebab I nak make sure I bekalkan his favourite choc chip sea salt cookies and lunch untuk esok (hari ni). Dapatlah 2 balang untuk husband I makan masa kuarantin.

Cookies dough I dah prepare before we went out to Titiwangsa, basically I cuma mould it and bake dalam oven jelah. Concurrently doing that, I masak daging berempah masak hitam ala kenduri resepi che nom for my husband. Siap semua benda around 11pm, I mandi and we Isya' together. Dalam fikiran I, tomorrow Subuh jela last dia boleh imamkan I before dia balik 😭

I dah janji dengan diri I, I will do the best for this marriage, so that I tak menyesal if anything happen. Sebab yang penting, I dah buat sedaya upaya I. To be honest, I bukan lah seorang yang tahu masak, but at least I cuba. Never in my whole life my mom would let me buat cookies ke, masak ke.. sebab my mom is a typical housewife yang nak buat semua benda sendiri. Then I dah masuk boarding school start from Tingkatan 1, uni etc, memang I tak berkesempatan nak belajar masak pun. All these while I belajar guna utube. I pun tak tahu sejak bila I jadi pandai masak. At least boleh la masak benda yang edible. Haha.

He hugged me tight last night. Betul2 dari malam sampai ke pagi. Patutah I bangun macam sakit leher. Normally memang tidur we will hug each other tapi takdelah sampai ke pagi. Bila dah deep sleep kita pun pandai cari port selesa. Memang tak lah berbantalkan lengan dia je sampai pagi. But yesterday memang everytime I drifted apart dia akan tarik I balik. Hm.. Suddenly I terbangun sebab he kissed my forehead lama sangat I think around 5am macam tu. And he cried. I terkejut kot why! Pagi2 dah nangis. And he taknak bagi tau. Cakap pms la apela.. memang tak la nak guna excuse I kan.

Finally dia cakap, he cried sebab kesian tengok I struggle masak untuk dia. Then he told me he want to do his very best for me and the kids. I jenis kalau orang nangis, I pun akan ikut nangis jugak. Sedihla.. Dalam hati I, he do love me, but at the same time, fikiran I cakap he did that sebab kesian dekat I macam struggling sangat for this marriage. I tak tahu kenapa I jadi macam ni. I just nak make sure dia cukup makan, happy bila dengan I and anak2. Pasal hati dan perasaan dia sendiri, I tak boleh baca, cukuplah I cuba the very best I can selagi I boleh buat. I sendiri tak tau apa yang I buat ni betul ke tak. Cuma I betul2 taknak menyesal if I tak buat. Tu je..

I can see that kind of perseverance and determination dalam diri my first born. She learned to cycle herself. She practise everyday just to get the balance. I sampai kesian tengok dia berpeluh2 dahaga practise. And finally she made it! Sama macam I, once I nekad, I'll just do it. People might find it pitiful tapi sebenarnya I buat untuk diri I.

Priceless

💗

Life is a journey

Not a destination

I no longer showing my love through words, I think. I showed it through my action. Words ni no more impactful for me, at least.

He did update everything, bagi gambar proof even though I tak minta. I sampai rasa I kejam. Tapi, benda2 ni I tak rasa I perlukan pun. Sebab, trust, it take years to build, seconds to break. I might believe, tapi bukan 100%. Dulu I pernah je minta macam ni. Tapi tu dulu lah. Sekarang ni, I tak perlukan lagi.

I do love my husband. But I don't want to be fooled by words anymore. I harap we will reunited back di syurga nanti. Tetap jodoh I sampai syurga sebab he deserve it. I always pray for him.. everytime. What I pray is between Allah and me, I cuma doakan yang baik2 untuk dia. I je isteri yang tak sempurna. So, my resolution this year, I will do my very best to be the perfect version of myself. For myself.

Tipulah kalau I cakap I tak sedih. It kills me inside. As a wife, memang I sedih atas semua yang jadi. Tapi I pun faham, Allah tak jadikan benda yang berlaku tu sia-sia. Indirectly, I lebih dekat dengan Allah, I lebih appreciate masa dengan family. Walaupun hati I ni berdarah-darah kena siat lepastu tabur garam n perah limau lagi. I wish seluruh keturunan I dijauhkan dari perosak rumah tangga orang. 

I pun pernah muda tapi persoalannya kau muda ke pompuan?, pernah kena chase, tapi jauh sekali nak keluar dengan lelaki yang bergelar suami orang. Coz I have respect for the family. I harap Allah jauhkan keluarga dan keturunan I dari manusia macam ni. Perempuan yang tak de batas. Berlindung di sebalik agama. Cukuplah kot berdoa dekat facebook, tapi disebaliknya takde rasa bersalah pun. Tetap acah2 suci. I bukan orang yang baik pun. Freehair je smpai 20an. Tapi batas kemanusiaan tu insyaallah I tetap jaga. So that takde hati yang terluka sebab I. 

So sampai sini jelah coretan hari ni. I nak bake cake dengan my babies pulak sebab dah janji.💋

Sabar dan Syukur

I teringat in a meeting with my boss's boss, he did mention that 2 benda paling panting if u nak hadapi hidup is "Sabar" dan "Syukur".

As I grew much wiser, baru I faham what he meant by that. Bila u sabar, Allah naikkan darjat u. Bila u syukur, Allah limpahkan lagi rahmat dan rezeki dekat u. Bila masalah datang, sabar. Bila dapat rezeki, syukur. U takkan have high expectation on people, except Allah. Dengan itu, u takkan kecewa bila apa yang u harapkan dari makhluk, u tak dapat.

I sometimes sedar tau, rezeki yang Allah alirkan untuk I ni, sometimes Allah bagi through orang lain. For instance, I pernah dreamt of getting a car macam Nissan Murano masa I remaja dulu. Specifically in black. I minat sangat Murano masa tu laa.. but then now, husband I belikan black SUV jugak, way better than what I had wished for previously. In 2020 I did jot down my VB, that I want to achieve 3 things in that particular year. And I manage to materialise 2 of it, yang ketiga tu memang tak dapat sebab Covid. 

I pernah buku 'The Secret' masa I dalam pantang deliver anak kedua. I remember vividly masa tu, I rasa amazed dengan apa yang I baca sebab somehow it happen in my life without realising it. Basically, what u attract, u'll get it. Sooner or later. It's your subconscious mind yang do all the job. U akan bergerak ke arah apa yang u fikirkan. That's why it is important to have vision board. Or at least u kena fikir yang baik2 je untuk hidup u. Benda baik2 akan datang.

I nak cakap thank you dekat husband I for new Ariani tudung. Since MCO, I dah lama tak beli tudung. Ada jugakla terlepas beli, biasalah perempuan kan. Tudung penuh almari pun still tak tahu nak pakai tudung apa. 😂

I nak cakap thank you jugak dekat CFO i, belanja Dubuyo. Fret not, I dah report dekat coach I, memang lah kena bebel but she insists that I should work out to burn semua benda yang I dah telan haha. Okay2...

Then thank you again dekat husband I sebab bawa I pergi kedai bunga dekat CM, and belikan I bunga, and also bagi I dua budak untuk ubat sunyi I.

💗