Sundae

Been so long since my last entry. Last week I ada cakap nak buat few things but I hanya mampu merancang.. Allah yang menentukan. I had my menses so I tak dapat buat la puasa straight seminggu 😑 I dapat few days jela but its ok. Effort is what matters kan.

16 days till Ramadhan. I dah dapat satu shake recipe using c&c which memang sedap. I think for Ramadhan, I akan all out jelah diet kan. Ada around sebulan setengah lagi so.. sempat sangat nak shed few more kgs. Since I first started my weight loss journey on early Feb'21, I have shed a total of almost 10kgs of weight. Insyaallah if I keep going doing things that I have learned from the support group, I'll be alright.

Last week jugak, my husband passed his assessment.. which die takut sangat tu. Because his superior and few of his colleague pun ada yang have to repeat the assessment again. But he did it the first time. I genuinely happy for him. 

His birthday is coming.. I had few activities planned already. So I hope all went as plan lah. I still follow diet, I would not say it is diet lah.. not strict coz u still have to stuff yourself with food. Cuma I dah belajar makan dengan portion yang betul, makan benda yang betul.. without having to suffer from starvation.

Chicken marinate w yogurt, pepper, salt.. with veges dipped with greek yogurt

Bekal I the other day.. masa dekat office. Yep, I actually dah mula rasa selesa makan macam ni. 

Weekend jugak I met my fren from uni.. we brought the kids to KL Bird Park. They had fun! Not our first time pun datang sini but this time I baru perasan ada hornbill. Amazed jap tengok. Super duper cantik.

Later on, we went off to kedai bunga favourite i. Sampai my daughter cakap mama kalau masuk kedai bunga mesti lama sebab tak tau nak pilih yang mana. Semua cantik2. 

Choice for the week

I ni normally bila masuk kedai akan terus nampak benda yang I nak. Means I dah grab this orange roses. Lepastu melilau lagi cari mana tahu nak tukar... then orange tadi letak balik. Somehow, after a while I mesti akan ambil balik orange tu semula sebab selalunya I akan patah balik dekat first choice I. I tak puas hati if tak pergi cari bunga lain tu yang jadi lama tu. Sedangkan if terus ambil je n bayar bunga first choice I tu, dah setel lama dah. Masalah orang perempuan kan.

That sum up last week punya cerita. Oh ya.. Neelofa dah kahwin semalam! I'm so so happy for her. Semoga perkahwinannya diberkati dan dilimpahkan rahmat oleh Allah swt. 

Husband I nak balik Khamis ni. So today jela last chance I nak kemas rumah before dia balik. Weekdays I kerja, memang tak lah nak kemas rumah teruk2. Till then, bye.

Bukan malaikat

I'm blogging while listening to Boyzone - No Matter What 😀 Almost 7am.. ade time sikit, so I think I just do some update here. 

I realise setiap manusia tu.. ada progress dia sendiri. Don't judge other that's what matters. Progress dalam hidup, progress emotionally.. progress in diet 😑.. haha.. afterall, we are just human. We are far from perfection.

As long as we try to improve ourselves everyday, we are gonna be okay.

Hidup di dunia ni.. cuma persinggahan. Sekejap je. Mungkin sehari, setahun, sepuluh tahun, seratus tahun.. lepas tu dah takde lagi. Semua yang ada dalam sistem ciptaan manusia ni, kita tak bawa masuk kubur pun. Selagi hidup, jadi je manusia yang beri manfaat kepada manusia lain. Alhamdulillah atas segala ujian dalam hidup I, menjadikan I manusia lebih baik hari ini, berbanding semalam. I sedar, my husband and I, we both bukan malaikat. Masing2 ada kekurangan.

I plan this week I nak puasa. Start from today. Sahur tadi I had my shake.. blend with all superfoods (kurma, chia seeds, madu kelulut). One thing yelah.. of course I nak shed weights. I've been cheating banyak sangat last week. Memang rasa bersalah but then.. like I said, I bukan malaikat and I'm not perfect haha..

Tapau lunch.. the healthiest yang I can choose hm..

Lunch semalam. This one diet approved

How sinful 😑

So this week, let's pretend I had braces and couldn't eat. Haha.. I nak sahur and buka with shake only the entire week. Wish me luck! My final leap of the month. I grew older dah, so I really need to take good care of my health la kan. Even though I don't know what the future holds. 

What I plan this week :

1. Fasting the whole week, sahur and buka with shake ONLY
2. Sembahyang zohor dekat surau awal. Not combine with asar haha.. Awal waktu please
3. Workout before buka puasa
4. Plank after subuh prayers
5. Try to study before sleep
6. If Allah woke me up at 4.30am, I should get up and be grateful to him by doing what I should

Insyaallah...

Yesterday my sister came over, then off we go to Titiwangsa. I tak naik basikal, I jogging ya.. But feels really good afterwards.

Balik taman, I pergi aeon stock up barang.. 9.30pm I still cooking for the kids. Untuk bekal diorang today. Mak2 macam ni lah. I takut I tak sempat. I tak sempat la nak bergayut dengan husband as usual malam ni.. so.. text will do lah kan. Deep down I know, but I just want to ignore for a while.. I'm afraid to put my expectation too high already. I love u too.

Till then, I should get ready for work now. 

Random ramblings

Sunday is famday..

I baru dapat forwarded message that Selangor ppl tak boleh g Putrajaya ya.. Tu dah kira rentas negeri. Whateves. I suppose orang Putrajaya pun tak boleh lah rentas pergi Selangor kan. Rasanyaaaa lah. 😏

I takde mood langsung nak g sana, even though kita pay tax jugak tapi tak boleh pun nak guna kemudahan yang dibangunkan guna duit rakyat tuh. Funny much. Nak komen banyak, I'm just a potato. So, I sauna je today.. Then kemas rumah. At 3 pm keluar bawa the kids.. pergi taman di SELANGOR, makan2 etc.

I had lunch today ikut MP.

Peri peri chicken ala nandos with oriental salad

Bukan I nak cakap ya.. tapi this time recipe ni almost perfect macam Nandos. I finished everything. Since ada diffuser ni memang rasa best je. Husband I cakap harap I tidur lena takde nak marah2 lagi da hahahha.. Betullah tu.

I went to my favourite florist today.. beli roses and baby breath. Ganti bunga I yang da kering tu. Made my day. Eh dekat Selangor lagi banyak benda best lah. Lol.. No point nak stress over unnecessary thing kan. If one door close, many doors lagi akan open for u. Don't worry.

New day new love

Diffuse Peppermint tonite..

New week started tomorrow.. I dah commit nak release lagi 2kgs this week. So yeah.. just keep on following MP rapat2, drink at least 3L water daily.. try to makan on time. Exercise a bit. I think I'm gonna be okay.. Just tryna love myself more. U know.. sebanyak mana cinta pada manusia, semua tu cuma pinjaman. Kalau u sendiri tak sayang diri u, u expect orang lain akan sayang u ke? No.

I wanna get rid of all negative vibes, negative people around me as much possible. Selagi I hidup, I want to live my life, for me, for the kids, for the people around me that I cherish. If I nak daki gunung ke today, I'll do it because this is my life. Hidup ni senang je.. asalkan tak menyimpang dari agama semua akan ok. 

My exboss call me, ask me to join his Company. It is actually MNC company lah specialised in Oil and Gas. Better offer, definitely. Tapi since I akan move to Bangi around next year, I takkan la nak join the Company for short term je kan. I guess I'll stick to my current Company jelah. Husband jauh, I sebenarnya memang have to kerja around tempat I stay je. Lucky jugaklah, my current Company pun is a PLC, which banyak je benda I belajar. Rezeki tak kemana ya. I ada juga potray myself as home baker ke macam tu, but I rasa sebab I sayang je accounting ni so yeah.. tak kot. I foresee myself climbing the career ladder, at the same time maybe provide consultation service macam tu.

My husband, on the other hand, career path dia memang dekat offshore. Now da start assessment for OIM, I guess... I takde lah harap dia akan come back by my side for good dalam masa terdekat ni. Que sera sera whatever wil be wil be. Ape pun, I akan selalu doakan husband I berjaya dalam apa pun yang dia lakukan.

I think dats all. Really need my beauty sleep. Rejuvenate. 💓

I miss you

Lama tak update. My uncle passed away last week... 08.03.2021.. almost 09.03.2021 sebab dah dekat midnight.

Alfatihah to him..

Rush back to the north. Before that pick my daughter from school around 10am.. Journey took around 4 hours, we manage to arrive sebelum kebumi. I drove all the way there, since my husband is not around. Letih sangat. Planned to follow meal plan closely last week, tapi Allah knows better. Bila balik kampung, of course diet I ke laut lah. Sebab masakan my mom is something that I cannot resist. Good food, good companies. Lama sangat tak balik kampung sebab pkp. So this time kita balik to gather with the rest of the family.

My desert mist diffuser has arrived...

In love

I letak dalam bedroom, diffuse at night, sometimes in the morning, after my workout. Rasa tenang je.. As usual weekends I akan pergi cycling. Semua barang I sampai office when I'm not around that 2 days. Malu jugak macam asyik shopping je keje I hahaha.. CCTV, helmet basikal, lampu basikal, loceng basikal emgeee..

My baby

Serene

I balik rumah around 10am.. Pre work out I had my F1 shake. But I think I rindu my Choc Dutch shake lah. Next time I nak order choc one.. I cooked nasi lemak for the kids. They said sedap ya. 😋 Alhamdulillah, I manage to control myself from eating full plate of nasi lemak.

I had parpu telur healthy as per MP. Taste quite good, despite it is consider as healthy food.

Parpu telur healthy

Then around 4ish pm.. snaking time I had banana with peanut butter.  Also had ningxia sachet that I got from YL. Basically it has high antioxidant which is good untuk awet muda.

💋

Petang ni I ada class with Sunway. Concurrently I update blog jugak sebab ni je masa I ada to update today haha.. 

I selalunya text my husband on random things macam ni.. Jawapan dia pun selalunya 😎😵

I syak kalau husband I kerja dekat ni.. confirm I lagi kurus lah hahahah...lol  joking!

I miss him.. tapi tulah, kena cari benda lain to divert my mind from thinking too much on that. Story of PJJ couple. Macam ni lah. Really hope I akan kuat paddling this boat alone, sometimes. Huhu..

Love always 💝

Jodoh, ajal, maut aturan Allah

Jumaat harini.

Ramai yang diuji. Mungkin kalau i yang di tempat diorang, I pun takkan sekuat mana untuk hadapi ujian2 tu. Ujian orang lain membuatkan I insaf sangat. Apelah sangat ujian I orang calarkan kereta tu. Huhuhu.. 

Colleague I, her father in law lama dah diagnosed with covid19. Tapi the after effect tu, membuatkan organ dia dah rosak and end up kena bergantung dekat mesin bantuan hayat. Almost 2 weeks the family harapkan miracle. Everyday doctor akan call, even semalam doctor suggest untuk tutup mesin bantuan hayat tu since tahap oksigen da tinggal 11% je.. So this morning, di hari Jumaat yang mulia ni, akhirnya father in law kawan I pulang ke dunia yang kekal abadi.

Around 9.30am, my mom bagitahu menantu ustaz dekat area rumah my mom passed away sebab covid. Kerja O&G juga di negeri sama dengan my husband. Satu lagi berita kehilangan, buat I rasa sayu mengenangkan wife yang ditinggal dengan anak2 yang masih perlukan kasih sayang bapa diorang. 😭

Satu lagi berita sedih hari ni.. ex schoolmate I masa dekat MRSM passed away today. Eventhough I takde kenal rapat dengan dia, but he's bubbly kind of person, selalu ceria je and paling active dalam group sekolah. He's a good guy. Tinggalkan balu dan sorang anak lelaki. PJJ couple macam I... I tak dapat bayangkan perasaan wife dia. The husband goes camping with a group of friends, end up 2 out of 5 of them lemas. I tak sanggup langsung nak bayangkan. I tak kuat langsung untuk diuji macam tu 😭😭 I really harap the wife and the son dikurniakan ketabahan untuk hadapi ujian ni. 

Tak tahu kenapa rasa sayu je hari ni. Sekarang pun hujan kat luar tu.. while I'm typing this. Hidup ni terlalu singkat untuk dipersiakan. Kalau kita sayang someone, i.e husband, parents, anak.. bagitau lah orang tu yang kita sayangkan dia. Jangan tunggu sampai dia takde baru menyesal sebab mungkin masa tu dah terlambat. I janji dengan diri I, takkan stress kan husband I, ikhlaskan hati I untuk maafkan semua benda yang dah lepas.. and sayangkan family I, hargai parents I while they are still around. I sedar, one day, semua takkan jadi sama. 10-20 tahun lagi.. I pun tak tahu whether nenek I masih ada, parents I masih ada ke.. Atau I cuma akan terus memendam rindu yang tak berpenghujung. Kalau bukan I yang pergi dulu. I do pray that one day, semua yang I sayang akan jumpa lagi di syurga nanti.

Cakap pasal jodoh, aunty I akan bertunang esok. Akhirnya aunty I akan capai bahagia dia dengan pasangan. I doakan jodoh diorang kekal sampai syurga. Allah dah aturkan perjalanan hidup kita terlalu cantik. Allah maha mengetahui setiap kejadian. Syukur atas kurniaan, sabar atas ujian. 

Kat ofis tadi, almost 4-5 kali jugak my husband buat video call. Everytime dia buat, masa tu lah ada yang menempel dekat meja I minta itu ini hahah.. I know mesti dia bosan la tu. Sebab lama dah I bagi password netflix I dekat husband I.. Baru harini I dapat notification dia sign in. Alahai..

I know, kitorang PJJ lama sangat dah. Sometimes I sedih jugak tak dapat jaga makan minum dia, pakai dia.. happy kan dia. Especially bila rumah tangga kitorang diuji, sepatutnya I realise I pun contribute jugak sebab I pun layan nak tak nak je bila dia balik sini. Memang lah anak perlu attention, tapi I baru realise yang husband pun is another baby yang nak attention kita jugak. Husband I dah complain makanan hotel tak sedap, dah jemu etc. I order la food panda for him bila dia dah snap gambar tak usik nasi, makan ayam je pulak then leave the sayur untouched.

I pulak sesedap je sini makan mee hailam la, kueytiaw ladna la with the kids. Kesian dia. Bila i snap pic, dia cakap sedapnya n sedih lak. Adoi.. sumpah rasa bersalah.

Husband : I nak order foodpanda la. Makanan tak sedap. I nak order subway

Me          : Eh jangan order. I dah order

Husband : U order apa?

Me          : Subway

Husband : Seriusla. Mana u tau i nak makan subway

Me          : I know.

Call it telepathy, tapi banyak kali jugak macam ni. Tahla, I just nak dia happy, Tu je.. Selagi I masih ada pasangan hidup, I patut belajar lebih menghargai pemberian Allah dekat I ni.

Made my day.

Benda pertama masuk perut I this morning is..

Cucumber + celery + tomato + carrot + lemon + chia seeds

Snacking

Lunch

Dinner yesterday.. Failed haha! Had homecooked nasi ayam hm.

Breakfast I had my usual shake. Suppose dinner pun kena amek shake jugak but I lapar haha.. Meal plan dah dapat. I janji I akan folo MP rapat2 okay after this! Wish me luck hahahaa.. Husband I cakap if I berjaya turun ke berat yang dia target tu, I get to ask anything that I want from him. Gosh please la harap I boleh drop weight rapidly this month... Amin..

Essential Oil

 I minta essential oil from my husband today. 

Pinjam gambar

Dia transfer je suruh I beli. But before that suruh I tengok shopee la lazada la berapa price dia. Siap cakap kalau I suruh dia beli towel dia taknak. Its Norwex la.. towel pulak. Don't care. I nak yang ni so he has to buy it. 

I gaduh over unnecessary thing. We made up and move on as usual. Biasalah perempuan memang akan selalu menang walaupun salah. Hakikat yang husband I masih belajar nak terima.

This morning I pergi cycling lagi.. Solo je. As usual.

See these view...

Hello matahari

End of the park

Semalam I macam takut nak habiskan pusing satu taman sebab depan tu sunyi. But today I manage to habiskan. The view is so worth it. Tak rasa penat pun maybe sebab stamina dah build up. So ok je... Got few new friends today. Even ada yang ajak I join group basikal.. But for now I dont think so haha.. Dekat hujung tasik ni.. I sorang je. Whatsapping my husband this picture... then he replied..

"Kayuhla laju2 then balik rumah"

LOL.

Then a guy honking and blocking my way.. turn out that dia nak number I. His friends pun ada.. and jokingly teasing him sebab dia buat macam tu. I smiled and ignore jelah.. I bother to smile sebab dia quite good looking jelah or else #matakeatastangankebahu . Sis gurau je janganla bitter. Hehe.. I cerita part atas je dekat husband I. Bila gaduh a bit tadi baru I cerita part yang orang minta number ni. Dan2 jela cakap sumpah sayang I semua.. Hahahaa.. I know.

My sister joined me later today at the park with my 2 nephew. I was about to finish dah.. Then lepak my house. Husband dia kerja sampai pukul 5 today.. So chill jelah harini.

Dah keluarkan siakap and daging for today's lunch. I guess I have to start cooking. Hehe..

Till then peeps! 💖

No more asking why

25.2 2021, 2.30am.. had my menses. No wonder I'm full on nonsense these past few days.

Had nothing since this morning. Patut puasa je kan. I memang nak puasa, but I know, it is almost that time of the month, tak nak jadi macam bulan lepas.. 6.50pm I figure out that I had my menses. Sikit lagi nak buka puasa huhuhu..

After this, I puasa jelah all the way throughout the month.. at least I can shed some weights hehe.. Tak lama dah nak puasa. Less than 45 days. Talked to myself on the mirror, look into my eyes and I think I had enough. Myself should do what she's gotta do. No more living in grief. If that someone really wants her, then he'll make effort for it. Or else. It doesn't matter.

My mantra of losing weight this time is..

"Don't eat nonsense or else u'll look exactly like a fat bitch macam that babi penyondol"

Ok. Make sense. Bagus juga kau gemok. Coz I am not u. And I don't want to be like you, breathe the same air as u, look like u, and I don't want to be everything like u. That's it. I'm not going to the place you go, I'm not using the same brand, even the colour of the car u use, and your nonsense fashion sense. Whatever reminded me of u, I'll detach myself. So, u perempuan gemok, I'm so not gonna be gemok like u.

So far, menjadi ya. Bila I rasa nak makan, or minum air manis I will chant this mantra to myself.

Sounds cruel kan I. U should know why I jadi macam ni. And u know exactly why.

Yesterday, 24th Feb at night, 2nd birthday celebration of my MIL. This time with her friends and relatives. Party started at 8.30pm.. Arrived home around 10.45pm. I do not mingle much sebab masih cuba jaga SOP. So far ok je went as planned.

Today I plan to go buy my daughter's necessities for school, since school will reopen on 1st March 2021. Hopefully the government didn't make a uturn this time. Too tired already.

Today also we have ACM meeting for Q4 2020. I get ready jelah if CFO needs assistance. 

Petang i'll bring the kids for cycling ke ape dekat taman. Tomorrow I'll work from office. That's how dull my life is haha. Oh ya, tak de roadblock dah so cepat je sampai rumah, Tak jemmm otak pikir road block 😒

Xoxo 💗

The First Hello

Petang 2005. I dengan kawan2 i baru keluar dewan kuliah. We were in different practicum tapi dalam dewan kuliah yang sama, F6. I nampak this guy, staring at me dari bawah tangga.. masa I tengah rancak borak gosip2 dengan kawan2 I. I remember vividly that moment... with u smiling broadly at me. But I didn't smile back.

Second time, I remember walking with a friend to bilik lecturer, dekat jambatan tu.. we crossed path. I ingat lagi perasaan I masa tu. Feels like a really strong chemistry. But I ignored it. Didn't even glance at you, or smile pun. I don't know about u.. tapi when I asked it now, u also remember that very moment I wore my silver kurung. Yes, i memang wore that baju that day.

Third very clear moment I remember when I walked with my friends on a stair, going to tutorial class, I looked downstairs, and our eyes locked, u smiled broadly again at me. This time, I smiled back, and straight away went to class.

Told all my six bestfriends that I got a crush on u, simply because I like chinese looking guy wearing a spectacles. And it matches your features. I never gave hint to u ever that I really like u. We never talked, we never really knew each other.

One day u texted me. I happy sangat crush i text sampai I terus pergi bilik my friends and bgtau everything. They knew I had crush on u all these while, and when u texted me first, it was the happiest day of my matric life. 😉 

The first phone call. U minta izin untuk call i for the first time. So. Freaking. Nervous. Sebab we never talked with each other depan2. Tapi after that, we could talked for hours, tapi tak pernah betul2 dating atau jumpa sepanjang dekat matric. U did initiate to meet, tapi I always giving excuses, I don't know why.

The first date. Midvalley. We were both dekat uni dah. But different uni.. U wore black polo Tshirt with jeans and u looked so handsome. Even until now. Hm.. U bought me big mac, and we watch movie titled 'The Break Up' starring by Jennifer Aniston. U choose the movie, sebab I pernah break up dengan u for few months. Which I also don't know why I did that. 

U halalkan i after 7 years knowing each other. I remember on our wedding night, u told me,

"Ingat ni, walau apa pun jadi, kita jangan berpisah"

And u hugged me, kissed my forehead and cry. I don't understand. Maybe it came from your heart. 

We were happy. We had babies, we had lovely family, we have career, basically we have almost everything. Until 15 Oct 2020.

The revelation of something that I cannot accept.

My fairytale wedding is not really a fairytale anyway. I wish I could run and never turn back. But running away won't solve problems, lagi2 I ada anak2 I. I can't live without them.

And I died, on that very day. The wife who loved her husband wholeheartedly has died. I live my life in grief. Because when I though it was a fairytale, turned out it is not. At least, that is what I thought after finding out the truth.

There's this new me. Fighting everyday for this marriage. Searching for my old soul. Yang tak berhenti sayangkan husband dia sepenuh hati. But I failed everyday. The more u tried to apologise, the more effort u put to win me back, the more hurt u get in return from me. I can never be the same after that date. She has died. U cannot force me to go back being her, again.

I love u, and I really don't want u to get hurt everytime. Deep down, I hurt myself too. I want u to seek for the happiness that u always looking for. I taknak semua perasaan kesian tu. Just follow your heart. One day I akan terima, even bukan sekarang. U know I love u too much.. tapi orang yang I sayang tu, is orang yang before 15 Oct, orang yang tak pernah luka kan I, yang sayang I sorang dengan anak2 je, orang yang sombong dengan perempuan lain sebab tahu status dah berpunya. 

6 bulan. 

Tempoh bertenang yang U minta dari I. Selama tempoh bertenang ni, I manage to find a bit of myself, walaupun tak sepenuhnya lagi. I have yet to decide, whether to stay or to move on. Today, we fight again, bila u jauh. But I tak rasa apa2. I feel numb and no feelings. Why?

The phrase from our wedding nights keep repeating in my head. I harap ni doa mujarab yang boleh selamatkan kita. I love u too much sampai I nak tengok u happy. Don't force yourself to be with me. It made me even more deeper in grief. If happiness u ada dekat I, then biarlah memang hati u nak macam tu. If not, u may find your own happiness... elsewhere. As I always mention to u, sayang I dekat u is sebanyak sayang u dekat i. So, lama2 i akan ok. Dont worry about me. Im ok.

Tentang hari ini

Hari ni, 21 February 2021, Sunday, husband balik semula ke offshore, prior to that kena mandatory quarantin for 2 weeks @ Pullman. His flight depart 9.10am in the morning. 

I have my reason kenapa dan mengapa I tulis semua ni which I prefer to keep it to myself. This time, berat sikit hati nak lepaskan, deep down I tahu I belum cukup kuat.

Separated again for at least one and a half month, as usual. Sumpah makin lama I makin tak kuat nak hidup macam ni. It has been 9 years. Since 2012. Friday night, I settle my reports requested by my CFO that will be due esok, Monday morning. Sebab I tak nak kacau my weekend with family, so I finish the report at 3am, terus submit. Saturday morning, my husband and I went for grocery shopping to stock up barang and later on the evening our family went to Titiwangsa just to spend time together.

Balik from Titiwangsa we singgah rumah in law, coz today husband I dah nak fly. Sampai rumah pukul 9pm, I terus bersilat kat dapur sebab I nak make sure I bekalkan his favourite choc chip sea salt cookies and lunch untuk esok (hari ni). Dapatlah 2 balang untuk husband I makan masa kuarantin.

Cookies dough I dah prepare before we went out to Titiwangsa, basically I cuma mould it and bake dalam oven jelah. Concurrently doing that, I masak daging berempah masak hitam ala kenduri resepi che nom for my husband. Siap semua benda around 11pm, I mandi and we Isya' together. Dalam fikiran I, tomorrow Subuh jela last dia boleh imamkan I before dia balik 😭

I dah janji dengan diri I, I will do the best for this marriage, so that I tak menyesal if anything happen. Sebab yang penting, I dah buat sedaya upaya I. To be honest, I bukan lah seorang yang tahu masak, but at least I cuba. Never in my whole life my mom would let me buat cookies ke, masak ke.. sebab my mom is a typical housewife yang nak buat semua benda sendiri. Then I dah masuk boarding school start from Tingkatan 1, uni etc, memang I tak berkesempatan nak belajar masak pun. All these while I belajar guna utube. I pun tak tahu sejak bila I jadi pandai masak. At least boleh la masak benda yang edible. Haha.

He hugged me tight last night. Betul2 dari malam sampai ke pagi. Patutah I bangun macam sakit leher. Normally memang tidur we will hug each other tapi takdelah sampai ke pagi. Bila dah deep sleep kita pun pandai cari port selesa. Memang tak lah berbantalkan lengan dia je sampai pagi. But yesterday memang everytime I drifted apart dia akan tarik I balik. Hm.. Suddenly I terbangun sebab he kissed my forehead lama sangat I think around 5am macam tu. And he cried. I terkejut kot why! Pagi2 dah nangis. And he taknak bagi tau. Cakap pms la apela.. memang tak la nak guna excuse I kan.

Finally dia cakap, he cried sebab kesian tengok I struggle masak untuk dia. Then he told me he want to do his very best for me and the kids. I jenis kalau orang nangis, I pun akan ikut nangis jugak. Sedihla.. Dalam hati I, he do love me, but at the same time, fikiran I cakap he did that sebab kesian dekat I macam struggling sangat for this marriage. I tak tahu kenapa I jadi macam ni. I just nak make sure dia cukup makan, happy bila dengan I and anak2. Pasal hati dan perasaan dia sendiri, I tak boleh baca, cukuplah I cuba the very best I can selagi I boleh buat. I sendiri tak tau apa yang I buat ni betul ke tak. Cuma I betul2 taknak menyesal if I tak buat. Tu je..

I can see that kind of perseverance and determination dalam diri my first born. She learned to cycle herself. She practise everyday just to get the balance. I sampai kesian tengok dia berpeluh2 dahaga practise. And finally she made it! Sama macam I, once I nekad, I'll just do it. People might find it pitiful tapi sebenarnya I buat untuk diri I.

Priceless

💗

Life is a journey

Not a destination

I no longer showing my love through words, I think. I showed it through my action. Words ni no more impactful for me, at least.

He did update everything, bagi gambar proof even though I tak minta. I sampai rasa I kejam. Tapi, benda2 ni I tak rasa I perlukan pun. Sebab, trust, it take years to build, seconds to break. I might believe, tapi bukan 100%. Dulu I pernah je minta macam ni. Tapi tu dulu lah. Sekarang ni, I tak perlukan lagi.

I do love my husband. But I don't want to be fooled by words anymore. I harap we will reunited back di syurga nanti. Tetap jodoh I sampai syurga sebab he deserve it. I always pray for him.. everytime. What I pray is between Allah and me, I cuma doakan yang baik2 untuk dia. I je isteri yang tak sempurna. So, my resolution this year, I will do my very best to be the perfect version of myself. For myself.

Tipulah kalau I cakap I tak sedih. It kills me inside. As a wife, memang I sedih atas semua yang jadi. Tapi I pun faham, Allah tak jadikan benda yang berlaku tu sia-sia. Indirectly, I lebih dekat dengan Allah, I lebih appreciate masa dengan family. Walaupun hati I ni berdarah-darah kena siat lepastu tabur garam n perah limau lagi. I wish seluruh keturunan I dijauhkan dari perosak rumah tangga orang. 

I pun pernah muda tapi persoalannya kau muda ke pompuan?, pernah kena chase, tapi jauh sekali nak keluar dengan lelaki yang bergelar suami orang. Coz I have respect for the family. I harap Allah jauhkan keluarga dan keturunan I dari manusia macam ni. Perempuan yang tak de batas. Berlindung di sebalik agama. Cukuplah kot berdoa dekat facebook, tapi disebaliknya takde rasa bersalah pun. Tetap acah2 suci. I bukan orang yang baik pun. Freehair je smpai 20an. Tapi batas kemanusiaan tu insyaallah I tetap jaga. So that takde hati yang terluka sebab I. 

So sampai sini jelah coretan hari ni. I nak bake cake dengan my babies pulak sebab dah janji.💋

Hiduplah seperti anda akan mati esok hari

Assalamualaikum..

Kembali menulis hari ini.. before this, didn't spend my time here sebab I nak spend quality time with my family. Today, dah hantar husband g airport balik kerja I think, this is the right time to express what had happened in my life this week.

I dengar lagu from Anneth, Mungkin Hari Ini, Esok atau Nanti.. The melody.. lirik memang buat I berfikir, I should live my life as if esok I akan mati. Live the present moment. Cherish everything around. I tahu, hati I masih belum pulih sepenuhnya tapi I try my best to live my life as what it should be. 

My class with Sunway TES will start this coming March, via online platform. At least I buat something yang membina for myself. I taknak my future self menyesal if I tak act on what I want now. In terms of our relationship as husband and wife, I must say that deep down I know..... he tried hard to win me over again, to gain back that trust.. I sedih bila ingat all his effort, I harap one day I mampu reply back everything that he deserve. 

I sejenis perempuan yang.. lahir dari adik beradik yang semua perempuan, so basically I bukan seorang yang kasar. Tapi, I rasa my upbringing tu lebih menjadikan I perempuan yang tabah and no nonsense. My dad, anak kampung yang keluar dari kepompong keluarga yang susah, tapi Allah kurniakan kebijaksanaan dekat my dad, so dia dapat further study dekat US, master di UK, so dari kecik, my dad seorang yang tak pandang harta, tapi sangat menitik beratkan pelajaran untuk anak2 perempuan dia. Satu pesanan yang I pegang sampai sekarang, don't ever quit your job. Jangan jadi perempuan yang tak bekerjaya sebab kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future. He's a man so he know. Dia nak anak2 perempuan dia ni, ada pilihan dalam hidup untuk setiap keputusan perlu dibuat. 

I kenal my husband at the age of 18, got married at 25, masa tu husband I belum kerja, tapi dah grad in engineering. I grad dulu sebab husband I panjang sikit jalan dia tu before he grad degree. So I yang kerja dulu. Regardless of that, my dad agree je kitorang get married sebab dia kenal husband I, and husband I pun eventhough masih belum start kerja yang stable, dia dah siap kumpul duit hantaran and kenduri semua so memang cukup sangat nak kahwin. I remember, masa study lagi pun dia dah kerja part time, weekend, or semester break semata nak halalkan kitorang. One thing my dad cakap, husband I ada degree so dia boleh accept. Now I faham why. I will pesan to my kids the same thing. No hurt feelings, u are free to have your own preference.

From today onwards, in fact few months before this pun, I dah start live my life as if I will die tomorrow. I tak nak menyesal. At the same time, everyday is a learning process. I hope I can be better for myself, and orang sekeliling I.

 

Love Story (Where Do I Begin)

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
There'd never be another love, another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs , with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go I'm never lonely
With her around, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand-it's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

I love your sambal udang

Hi there 💓

Yesterday whole family felt bit fatigue so semua tidur awal. Even masa tu pukul 9 pm something pn I dah macam moody2 nak tidur haha.. Then husband I tanya why you takde mood etc? He always akan stress bila I takde mood. Then I said I dont know.. U urut kaki i lah. But I dozed off kot.. I tak tahu la dapat urut ke tak I rasa semua tertidur je kot. 

Then this morning kan.. I terjaga pukul 4.15am. Told my husband kita dah lambat ke? U dah subuh? Actually bila tengok jam ala baru kul 4 lebih kee tapi tak ngantok pulak.. But then sambung cuddle and tidur jela smpai subuh around 6.10am 😄

Right after prayers semua kita terus g park to work out. First time I nak bawa java bike I and twas a success hahhaa.. Still got that skill lol.

View like this... subhanallah 💓

Normally we will jog around 1 full round tau.. Tempat ni besar kot.. Ada naik bukit, turun bukit, tanah rata, somehow challenging jugakla especially coach potato macam I. Husband I self claimed yang dia athletic so whatever 😶

Today I did cycle one round.. and he jog one round. The first bukit yang I cycle tu kan bapaklah seloww serius kaki I macam tak tahan kot even da drop gear smpai low sangat da. Hahaha.. But I told myself many times keep going don't stop even masa tu kaki i dah wobbly sangat hahah..then got another bukit tau.. I macam dah dapat momentum, I should cycle laju2 then I takkan struggle bila naik bukit. True kot! Of course I akan laju than my husband sebab dia jog kan. I sampai dekat carpark, tengok phone scroll2 while waiting for him to arrive.

Husband   : U cycle ke naik bukit tadi?

Me            : Yelah I cycle

Husband   : I cari2 u jugak dalam longkang then panggil2 nama u takde..

Me            : Whattt? Why..

Husband   : Mana tahu u jatuh tak sangka pulak u boleh cycle dekat bukit tuh

Me            : *cricket sounds* whatever la paaa..

One achievement unlocked today. Pat my back..

My lunch today... I buat sambal udang his favourite. Normally I akan beli cili kering kelantan tau.. Sebab dia tak pedas langsung.

Husband   : Nanti u datang rumah mak, u masak la macam ni

Me            : Kan mak masak

Husband   : Nanti u cakap la dekat mak, I suka sambal udang macam ni. U ajar mak buat cmni

Me            : Takkan la I nak ajar mak u. Agak2 la paaa

Husband   : Takpela kenapa tak boleh

Me            : Actually I suka je masakan mak u. I masak cmni sebab u tak suka pedas. Have to u know!

Petang we went to the Mines, collect spectacles I. I tak rabun pun, power both eyes cuma 25 je tau. Bukan 250 lol.. But buat jelah sebab rugi la ada staff benefit tapi tak claim.

I choose it sebab bingkai dia cantik.. Cantik kan!

I just pakai ni whenever I tengok laptop je.. Husband I minta tambah uv ray ke ape ntah so hopefully it meet the purpose lah.

Today my dad will come down to KL. I miss him already. My kids pulak minta rendang ayam and pulut kuning from my mom.. Jap lagi my dad sampai. Nak kemas rumah byeeee....