Essential Oil

 I minta essential oil from my husband today. 

Pinjam gambar

Dia transfer je suruh I beli. But before that suruh I tengok shopee la lazada la berapa price dia. Siap cakap kalau I suruh dia beli towel dia taknak. Its Norwex la.. towel pulak. Don't care. I nak yang ni so he has to buy it. 

I gaduh over unnecessary thing. We made up and move on as usual. Biasalah perempuan memang akan selalu menang walaupun salah. Hakikat yang husband I masih belajar nak terima.

This morning I pergi cycling lagi.. Solo je. As usual.

See these view...

Hello matahari

End of the park

Semalam I macam takut nak habiskan pusing satu taman sebab depan tu sunyi. But today I manage to habiskan. The view is so worth it. Tak rasa penat pun maybe sebab stamina dah build up. So ok je... Got few new friends today. Even ada yang ajak I join group basikal.. But for now I dont think so haha.. Dekat hujung tasik ni.. I sorang je. Whatsapping my husband this picture... then he replied..

"Kayuhla laju2 then balik rumah"

LOL.

Then a guy honking and blocking my way.. turn out that dia nak number I. His friends pun ada.. and jokingly teasing him sebab dia buat macam tu. I smiled and ignore jelah.. I bother to smile sebab dia quite good looking jelah or else #matakeatastangankebahu . Sis gurau je janganla bitter. Hehe.. I cerita part atas je dekat husband I. Bila gaduh a bit tadi baru I cerita part yang orang minta number ni. Dan2 jela cakap sumpah sayang I semua.. Hahahaa.. I know.

My sister joined me later today at the park with my 2 nephew. I was about to finish dah.. Then lepak my house. Husband dia kerja sampai pukul 5 today.. So chill jelah harini.

Dah keluarkan siakap and daging for today's lunch. I guess I have to start cooking. Hehe..

Till then peeps! 💖

Favourite escape

Woke up at 6.30am yesterday.. Then off to my favourite place.. nak naik basikal. Solo je since husband dah balik g kerja. Tapi i suka je sebab i boleh ikut my own pace. 

I woke up to this. Motivation i untuk bangun tengok sunrise... every morning.. Get my daily dose of vitamin d. 😀

Finished watching movie titled 'adrift' on netflix. Cerita pasal young adventurous couple pergi sailing then terperangkap dalam ribut dekat lautan pacific. Based on true story.. remind me of cerita 'life of pi' a lot. Stranded dekat laut.. trying to survive.

Habis cycling, I stopped by dekat tempat itik. Uncle ni tengah nak bagi makan dekat itik2 sini. I minta nak masuk tengok. Suppose tak boleh masuk but dia bagi je. Those ducklings... cute sangat. Really enjoy the nature bila datang sini.

Bila u naik basikal, laju sikitlah u nak pusing every corner of this park kan.. Seram sikit pergi sorang2 sebab sometimes jalan sunyi.. Depan sikit ada orang.. then sunyi balik. Macam tu lah. Weekend2 macam ni jela aktiviti i. Sambil try to shed few kgs sambil tengok nature. 

💖

No more asking why

25.2 2021, 2.30am.. had my menses. No wonder I'm full on nonsense these past few days.

Had nothing since this morning. Patut puasa je kan. I memang nak puasa, but I know, it is almost that time of the month, tak nak jadi macam bulan lepas.. 6.50pm I figure out that I had my menses. Sikit lagi nak buka puasa huhuhu..

After this, I puasa jelah all the way throughout the month.. at least I can shed some weights hehe.. Tak lama dah nak puasa. Less than 45 days. Talked to myself on the mirror, look into my eyes and I think I had enough. Myself should do what she's gotta do. No more living in grief. If that someone really wants her, then he'll make effort for it. Or else. It doesn't matter.

My mantra of losing weight this time is..

"Don't eat nonsense or else u'll look exactly like a fat bitch macam that babi penyondol"

Ok. Make sense. Bagus juga kau gemok. Coz I am not u. And I don't want to be like you, breathe the same air as u, look like u, and I don't want to be everything like u. That's it. I'm not going to the place you go, I'm not using the same brand, even the colour of the car u use, and your nonsense fashion sense. Whatever reminded me of u, I'll detach myself. So, u perempuan gemok, I'm so not gonna be gemok like u.

So far, menjadi ya. Bila I rasa nak makan, or minum air manis I will chant this mantra to myself.

Sounds cruel kan I. U should know why I jadi macam ni. And u know exactly why.

Yesterday, 24th Feb at night, 2nd birthday celebration of my MIL. This time with her friends and relatives. Party started at 8.30pm.. Arrived home around 10.45pm. I do not mingle much sebab masih cuba jaga SOP. So far ok je went as planned.

Today I plan to go buy my daughter's necessities for school, since school will reopen on 1st March 2021. Hopefully the government didn't make a uturn this time. Too tired already.

Today also we have ACM meeting for Q4 2020. I get ready jelah if CFO needs assistance. 

Petang i'll bring the kids for cycling ke ape dekat taman. Tomorrow I'll work from office. That's how dull my life is haha. Oh ya, tak de roadblock dah so cepat je sampai rumah, Tak jemmm otak pikir road block 😒

Xoxo 💗

The First Hello

Petang 2005. I dengan kawan2 i baru keluar dewan kuliah. We were in different practicum tapi dalam dewan kuliah yang sama, F6. I nampak this guy, staring at me dari bawah tangga.. masa I tengah rancak borak gosip2 dengan kawan2 I. I remember vividly that moment... with u smiling broadly at me. But I didn't smile back.

Second time, I remember walking with a friend to bilik lecturer, dekat jambatan tu.. we crossed path. I ingat lagi perasaan I masa tu. Feels like a really strong chemistry. But I ignored it. Didn't even glance at you, or smile pun. I don't know about u.. tapi when I asked it now, u also remember that very moment I wore my silver kurung. Yes, i memang wore that baju that day.

Third very clear moment I remember when I walked with my friends on a stair, going to tutorial class, I looked downstairs, and our eyes locked, u smiled broadly again at me. This time, I smiled back, and straight away went to class.

Told all my six bestfriends that I got a crush on u, simply because I like chinese looking guy wearing a spectacles. And it matches your features. I never gave hint to u ever that I really like u. We never talked, we never really knew each other.

One day u texted me. I happy sangat crush i text sampai I terus pergi bilik my friends and bgtau everything. They knew I had crush on u all these while, and when u texted me first, it was the happiest day of my matric life. 😉 

The first phone call. U minta izin untuk call i for the first time. So. Freaking. Nervous. Sebab we never talked with each other depan2. Tapi after that, we could talked for hours, tapi tak pernah betul2 dating atau jumpa sepanjang dekat matric. U did initiate to meet, tapi I always giving excuses, I don't know why.

The first date. Midvalley. We were both dekat uni dah. But different uni.. U wore black polo Tshirt with jeans and u looked so handsome. Even until now. Hm.. U bought me big mac, and we watch movie titled 'The Break Up' starring by Jennifer Aniston. U choose the movie, sebab I pernah break up dengan u for few months. Which I also don't know why I did that. 

U halalkan i after 7 years knowing each other. I remember on our wedding night, u told me,

"Ingat ni, walau apa pun jadi, kita jangan berpisah"

And u hugged me, kissed my forehead and cry. I don't understand. Maybe it came from your heart. 

We were happy. We had babies, we had lovely family, we have career, basically we have almost everything. Until 15 Oct 2020.

The revelation of something that I cannot accept.

My fairytale wedding is not really a fairytale anyway. I wish I could run and never turn back. But running away won't solve problems, lagi2 I ada anak2 I. I can't live without them.

And I died, on that very day. The wife who loved her husband wholeheartedly has died. I live my life in grief. Because when I though it was a fairytale, turned out it is not. At least, that is what I thought after finding out the truth.

There's this new me. Fighting everyday for this marriage. Searching for my old soul. Yang tak berhenti sayangkan husband dia sepenuh hati. But I failed everyday. The more u tried to apologise, the more effort u put to win me back, the more hurt u get in return from me. I can never be the same after that date. She has died. U cannot force me to go back being her, again.

I love u, and I really don't want u to get hurt everytime. Deep down, I hurt myself too. I want u to seek for the happiness that u always looking for. I taknak semua perasaan kesian tu. Just follow your heart. One day I akan terima, even bukan sekarang. U know I love u too much.. tapi orang yang I sayang tu, is orang yang before 15 Oct, orang yang tak pernah luka kan I, yang sayang I sorang dengan anak2 je, orang yang sombong dengan perempuan lain sebab tahu status dah berpunya. 

6 bulan. 

Tempoh bertenang yang U minta dari I. Selama tempoh bertenang ni, I manage to find a bit of myself, walaupun tak sepenuhnya lagi. I have yet to decide, whether to stay or to move on. Today, we fight again, bila u jauh. But I tak rasa apa2. I feel numb and no feelings. Why?

The phrase from our wedding nights keep repeating in my head. I harap ni doa mujarab yang boleh selamatkan kita. I love u too much sampai I nak tengok u happy. Don't force yourself to be with me. It made me even more deeper in grief. If happiness u ada dekat I, then biarlah memang hati u nak macam tu. If not, u may find your own happiness... elsewhere. As I always mention to u, sayang I dekat u is sebanyak sayang u dekat i. So, lama2 i akan ok. Dont worry about me. Im ok.

Tentang hari ini

Hari ni, 21 February 2021, Sunday, husband balik semula ke offshore, prior to that kena mandatory quarantin for 2 weeks @ Pullman. His flight depart 9.10am in the morning. 

I have my reason kenapa dan mengapa I tulis semua ni which I prefer to keep it to myself. This time, berat sikit hati nak lepaskan, deep down I tahu I belum cukup kuat.

Separated again for at least one and a half month, as usual. Sumpah makin lama I makin tak kuat nak hidup macam ni. It has been 9 years. Since 2012. Friday night, I settle my reports requested by my CFO that will be due esok, Monday morning. Sebab I tak nak kacau my weekend with family, so I finish the report at 3am, terus submit. Saturday morning, my husband and I went for grocery shopping to stock up barang and later on the evening our family went to Titiwangsa just to spend time together.

Balik from Titiwangsa we singgah rumah in law, coz today husband I dah nak fly. Sampai rumah pukul 9pm, I terus bersilat kat dapur sebab I nak make sure I bekalkan his favourite choc chip sea salt cookies and lunch untuk esok (hari ni). Dapatlah 2 balang untuk husband I makan masa kuarantin.

Cookies dough I dah prepare before we went out to Titiwangsa, basically I cuma mould it and bake dalam oven jelah. Concurrently doing that, I masak daging berempah masak hitam ala kenduri resepi che nom for my husband. Siap semua benda around 11pm, I mandi and we Isya' together. Dalam fikiran I, tomorrow Subuh jela last dia boleh imamkan I before dia balik 😭

I dah janji dengan diri I, I will do the best for this marriage, so that I tak menyesal if anything happen. Sebab yang penting, I dah buat sedaya upaya I. To be honest, I bukan lah seorang yang tahu masak, but at least I cuba. Never in my whole life my mom would let me buat cookies ke, masak ke.. sebab my mom is a typical housewife yang nak buat semua benda sendiri. Then I dah masuk boarding school start from Tingkatan 1, uni etc, memang I tak berkesempatan nak belajar masak pun. All these while I belajar guna utube. I pun tak tahu sejak bila I jadi pandai masak. At least boleh la masak benda yang edible. Haha.

He hugged me tight last night. Betul2 dari malam sampai ke pagi. Patutah I bangun macam sakit leher. Normally memang tidur we will hug each other tapi takdelah sampai ke pagi. Bila dah deep sleep kita pun pandai cari port selesa. Memang tak lah berbantalkan lengan dia je sampai pagi. But yesterday memang everytime I drifted apart dia akan tarik I balik. Hm.. Suddenly I terbangun sebab he kissed my forehead lama sangat I think around 5am macam tu. And he cried. I terkejut kot why! Pagi2 dah nangis. And he taknak bagi tau. Cakap pms la apela.. memang tak la nak guna excuse I kan.

Finally dia cakap, he cried sebab kesian tengok I struggle masak untuk dia. Then he told me he want to do his very best for me and the kids. I jenis kalau orang nangis, I pun akan ikut nangis jugak. Sedihla.. Dalam hati I, he do love me, but at the same time, fikiran I cakap he did that sebab kesian dekat I macam struggling sangat for this marriage. I tak tahu kenapa I jadi macam ni. I just nak make sure dia cukup makan, happy bila dengan I and anak2. Pasal hati dan perasaan dia sendiri, I tak boleh baca, cukuplah I cuba the very best I can selagi I boleh buat. I sendiri tak tau apa yang I buat ni betul ke tak. Cuma I betul2 taknak menyesal if I tak buat. Tu je..

I can see that kind of perseverance and determination dalam diri my first born. She learned to cycle herself. She practise everyday just to get the balance. I sampai kesian tengok dia berpeluh2 dahaga practise. And finally she made it! Sama macam I, once I nekad, I'll just do it. People might find it pitiful tapi sebenarnya I buat untuk diri I.

Priceless

💗

Life is a journey

Not a destination

I no longer showing my love through words, I think. I showed it through my action. Words ni no more impactful for me, at least.

He did update everything, bagi gambar proof even though I tak minta. I sampai rasa I kejam. Tapi, benda2 ni I tak rasa I perlukan pun. Sebab, trust, it take years to build, seconds to break. I might believe, tapi bukan 100%. Dulu I pernah je minta macam ni. Tapi tu dulu lah. Sekarang ni, I tak perlukan lagi.

I do love my husband. But I don't want to be fooled by words anymore. I harap we will reunited back di syurga nanti. Tetap jodoh I sampai syurga sebab he deserve it. I always pray for him.. everytime. What I pray is between Allah and me, I cuma doakan yang baik2 untuk dia. I je isteri yang tak sempurna. So, my resolution this year, I will do my very best to be the perfect version of myself. For myself.

Tipulah kalau I cakap I tak sedih. It kills me inside. As a wife, memang I sedih atas semua yang jadi. Tapi I pun faham, Allah tak jadikan benda yang berlaku tu sia-sia. Indirectly, I lebih dekat dengan Allah, I lebih appreciate masa dengan family. Walaupun hati I ni berdarah-darah kena siat lepastu tabur garam n perah limau lagi. I wish seluruh keturunan I dijauhkan dari perosak rumah tangga orang. 

I pun pernah muda tapi persoalannya kau muda ke pompuan?, pernah kena chase, tapi jauh sekali nak keluar dengan lelaki yang bergelar suami orang. Coz I have respect for the family. I harap Allah jauhkan keluarga dan keturunan I dari manusia macam ni. Perempuan yang tak de batas. Berlindung di sebalik agama. Cukuplah kot berdoa dekat facebook, tapi disebaliknya takde rasa bersalah pun. Tetap acah2 suci. I bukan orang yang baik pun. Freehair je smpai 20an. Tapi batas kemanusiaan tu insyaallah I tetap jaga. So that takde hati yang terluka sebab I. 

So sampai sini jelah coretan hari ni. I nak bake cake dengan my babies pulak sebab dah janji.💋

Sabar dan Syukur

I teringat in a meeting with my boss's boss, he did mention that 2 benda paling panting if u nak hadapi hidup is "Sabar" dan "Syukur".

As I grew much wiser, baru I faham what he meant by that. Bila u sabar, Allah naikkan darjat u. Bila u syukur, Allah limpahkan lagi rahmat dan rezeki dekat u. Bila masalah datang, sabar. Bila dapat rezeki, syukur. U takkan have high expectation on people, except Allah. Dengan itu, u takkan kecewa bila apa yang u harapkan dari makhluk, u tak dapat.

I sometimes sedar tau, rezeki yang Allah alirkan untuk I ni, sometimes Allah bagi through orang lain. For instance, I pernah dreamt of getting a car macam Nissan Murano masa I remaja dulu. Specifically in black. I minat sangat Murano masa tu laa.. but then now, husband I belikan black SUV jugak, way better than what I had wished for previously. In 2020 I did jot down my VB, that I want to achieve 3 things in that particular year. And I manage to materialise 2 of it, yang ketiga tu memang tak dapat sebab Covid. 

I pernah buku 'The Secret' masa I dalam pantang deliver anak kedua. I remember vividly masa tu, I rasa amazed dengan apa yang I baca sebab somehow it happen in my life without realising it. Basically, what u attract, u'll get it. Sooner or later. It's your subconscious mind yang do all the job. U akan bergerak ke arah apa yang u fikirkan. That's why it is important to have vision board. Or at least u kena fikir yang baik2 je untuk hidup u. Benda baik2 akan datang.

I nak cakap thank you dekat husband I for new Ariani tudung. Since MCO, I dah lama tak beli tudung. Ada jugakla terlepas beli, biasalah perempuan kan. Tudung penuh almari pun still tak tahu nak pakai tudung apa. 😂

I nak cakap thank you jugak dekat CFO i, belanja Dubuyo. Fret not, I dah report dekat coach I, memang lah kena bebel but she insists that I should work out to burn semua benda yang I dah telan haha. Okay2...

Then thank you again dekat husband I sebab bawa I pergi kedai bunga dekat CM, and belikan I bunga, and also bagi I dua budak untuk ubat sunyi I.

💗

Hiduplah seperti anda akan mati esok hari

Assalamualaikum..

Kembali menulis hari ini.. before this, didn't spend my time here sebab I nak spend quality time with my family. Today, dah hantar husband g airport balik kerja I think, this is the right time to express what had happened in my life this week.

I dengar lagu from Anneth, Mungkin Hari Ini, Esok atau Nanti.. The melody.. lirik memang buat I berfikir, I should live my life as if esok I akan mati. Live the present moment. Cherish everything around. I tahu, hati I masih belum pulih sepenuhnya tapi I try my best to live my life as what it should be. 

My class with Sunway TES will start this coming March, via online platform. At least I buat something yang membina for myself. I taknak my future self menyesal if I tak act on what I want now. In terms of our relationship as husband and wife, I must say that deep down I know..... he tried hard to win me over again, to gain back that trust.. I sedih bila ingat all his effort, I harap one day I mampu reply back everything that he deserve. 

I sejenis perempuan yang.. lahir dari adik beradik yang semua perempuan, so basically I bukan seorang yang kasar. Tapi, I rasa my upbringing tu lebih menjadikan I perempuan yang tabah and no nonsense. My dad, anak kampung yang keluar dari kepompong keluarga yang susah, tapi Allah kurniakan kebijaksanaan dekat my dad, so dia dapat further study dekat US, master di UK, so dari kecik, my dad seorang yang tak pandang harta, tapi sangat menitik beratkan pelajaran untuk anak2 perempuan dia. Satu pesanan yang I pegang sampai sekarang, don't ever quit your job. Jangan jadi perempuan yang tak bekerjaya sebab kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future. He's a man so he know. Dia nak anak2 perempuan dia ni, ada pilihan dalam hidup untuk setiap keputusan perlu dibuat. 

I kenal my husband at the age of 18, got married at 25, masa tu husband I belum kerja, tapi dah grad in engineering. I grad dulu sebab husband I panjang sikit jalan dia tu before he grad degree. So I yang kerja dulu. Regardless of that, my dad agree je kitorang get married sebab dia kenal husband I, and husband I pun eventhough masih belum start kerja yang stable, dia dah siap kumpul duit hantaran and kenduri semua so memang cukup sangat nak kahwin. I remember, masa study lagi pun dia dah kerja part time, weekend, or semester break semata nak halalkan kitorang. One thing my dad cakap, husband I ada degree so dia boleh accept. Now I faham why. I will pesan to my kids the same thing. No hurt feelings, u are free to have your own preference.

From today onwards, in fact few months before this pun, I dah start live my life as if I will die tomorrow. I tak nak menyesal. At the same time, everyday is a learning process. I hope I can be better for myself, and orang sekeliling I.

 

Love Story (Where Do I Begin)

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
There'd never be another love, another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs , with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go I'm never lonely
With her around, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand-it's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there