Delivering My 3rd Baby After a 10-Year Gap

Salam,

I thought of documented my experience here, just for the sake of memories. 

Orang cakap, if u had years of gap after your last pregnancy, u will experience the delivery like it was your first time. I mean, longer cervix opening, difficult labour etc. Of course, with my advanced maternal age, I'm a little scared to imagine what will happen on the day itself.

To cut the story short, I had my antenatal check up on the 25th June 2025. Macam biasa, check BP, urine test etc. dekat Hosp Annur. My husband wfh today so he accompanied me pergi hospital. Deep down, I tak tahu kenapa, I feel like I akan deliver the baby on this day. I pesan kat my other two babies, suruh bawa kunci rumah in case I deliver today. So, masa test urine, i nampak ada spotting like a mucus plug. Thats when I know, hm, I will deliver this baby probably today. 

BP reading tak ok. Bacaan atas 190 which is very high. Normal should be 120/90. Luckily I dont need to wait for so long to see Dr Fatimah sebab I turn in early today. At first, I ingat I just nak minta letter from doc so that I can request to arrange for "work from home" from my Company until my due date which is 21 July 2025. But Allah has better plans and indeed is the best planner. I told Dr Fatimah about the spotting this morning, and she decided to do VE. Guess what? I already dilate 4cm! Doc terus arrange I masuk labour room to prepare for my delivery.

I dengan tak bawa apa2 pun, because I didn't expect I will deliver this baby earlier sebab gestational age dia only 36 weeks. Still 4 more weeks to go kalau based on track record her sister and brother, only 1-2 days difference from my EDD previously. Tapi, hikmahnya sebab BP i tiba2 tinggi, doc says the only cure is to deliver the baby. And since I dah ada opening, I tak perlu induce/ czer. Just wait for the cervix to open natually.

Labour room

From 11am to 2pm, my progress cuma 5cm. Still tak rasa sakit, boleh sembang and gelak2 with my husband. I macam disbelief yang I akan bersalin harini. Sebab sakit masih tak kick in kot. Maybe. Then, I just nk follow petua my sister cara dia cepatkan bukaan cervix masa nak bersalin. Minum teh o pekat mix dengan telur ayam kuning yang tak masak. My husband minta kedai bawah buatkan. Not that bad la the taste, takde rasa hanyir pun. 

Start tu, I dah rasa sakit sikit2 sampai I minta inject epidural sekarang. Doc expect I akan deliver tomorrow morning since the big gap with previous pregnancy. Doc anest sampai and cucuk dekat spine etc. Macam biasa, cucuk tu bagi i tak sakit pun. Nak ambik darah lagi sakit sebab urat I susah sangat nak jumpa. Midwife buat VE, now I'm already at 7cm masa ni dah pukul 6pm. Start ni I dah rasa sakit even with epidural sebab ada part of my perut (kanan) macam tak lut dengan epidural tu. Bila contraction, sumpah perut sakit sebelah (cries). Perut kiri, kaki semua memang dah tak rasa pun sebab epidural tu. Midwife mamang tolong I masa tu. She try to increase the dosage tapi perut kanan memang rasa sakit contraction tu tak boleh buat apa.

Masa ni kepala I sakit sangat. BP tinggi doc suspect pre-eclampsia. So i'm being dripped with magnesium sulphate for 12 hours. Sakit sangat masuk ubat ni rasa urat tangan nak pecah. Midwife cakap memang ubat ni panas. Ubat ni digunakan untuk calm my nervous system and elakkan seizures. Condition I sekarang, tangan kanan and kiri ada drip, lepastu dah epidural kena pasang tiub kencing. So memang tak boleh gerak pergi mana pun.

I practice deep breathing etc yelah sakit kan, otak pun dah melayang. Husband I balik rumah sekejap urus anak sebab he thought the earliest I akan bersalin is tengah malam. Pukul 7pm midwife check VE, I dah dilate 9cm! Then dia call husband I tanya dekat mana etc sebab tak lama dah I akan bersalin. Coincidentally my husband dah sampai labour room and midwife VE lagi sekali I dah fully dilate and they are preparing for my labour dah. Tunggu doc datang, 3 kali push and voila keluar seketul baby. Hilang terus sakit perut kanan aku. Sumpah lega sangat! This time tak ada epi, only first degree tear, all smooth sailing. Anak I keluar 3.13kg even baru 36 weeks. Hikmah yang Allah nak bagi. Alhamdulillah.

Tapi dalam senang beranak tu, I need to be monitored dekat labour room for 1 day, sebab BP tinggi. Baby semua nurse dah uruskan. I spent the night dekat labour room. Tak terkira lah berapa kali nurse masuk keluar check BP i. Masa ni BP pun around 150-160 tak turun pun even dah keluar baby. Imagine dengan tiub kencing dekat bawah, drip kiri kanan, blood lagi. Nurse memang tukarkan tapi I nak mandi (cries) Sumpah geli and stress. Tapi yelah, I faham je its very risky and semua tu prevention sebelum jadi benda lagi serius, i.e jatuh bilik air ke, sawan etc nauzubillah.

Esoknya lepas habis drip magnesium sulphate tu, I dah boleh masuk ward, and refesh myself. Lega sangat finally rasa bersih. Tapi baby still kena tahan dekat SCN sebab oksigen ade drop sikit, then she will be under monitoring in case anything. Better not to miss the boat. I dah rasa sihat, BP still tinggi even on meds, tapi range dah turun sikit 140-155. Every now and then nurse akan masuk bilik ambil BP etc. Baby I memang dekat SCN (Special Care Neonates) so tak room in dengan I. If I nak tengok baby, nurse akan bawa I turun. Boring sikit la sebab I rasa sihat je, takde baby pulak, kerja I makan, baring, tengok tv, pam la susu sesekali, itupun lepas hari ke 3. Guna manual pump je sebab yang electric i tak study lagi macam mana nak pakai n i malas nak study sekarang.

Haenim Korea Pump. Recommended.

I kena warded from 25th sampai 29th. Sampai semua ok baru discharge. Dalam ward makan sedap kenapa entah ye. Maybe sepanjang pregnancy tekak tak sedap. Dekat hospital ni, makanan apa pun i rasa sedap gila habis licin makan. Huhu..

Masa pergi Makkah during 5-months pregnancy tu I memang doa semoga semua dipermudahkan, senang beranak, tak koyak, tak jahit, bukaan cepat, anak sempurna mental fizikal, comel etc. Mungkin ni salah satu doa2 yang Allah makbulkan.

Tengah tawaf nampak baby comel ni ee

Baby I pun da pegi Makkah tapi dalam perut la haha.. Dalam hati masa ni bagi kenan sikit comel budak ni kat anak aku, why not kan walaupun mak bapak dah sah2 melayu takkan la keluar jadi anak arobb..

Balik rumah, sambung la rutin berpantang dengan CL. Sebab anak2 dah sekolah, susah la sikit nak balik berpantang dengan mak aku dekat kampung mcm dulu. Mak aku pun da sibuk dengan persatuan dia la, lawatan etc. Jadi ber CL lah kite. Seronokla hari2 berurut segar badan. Lepas 10 hari ni aku dah loss 12kg. Termasuk berat baby la kann. Happy dah boleh meniarap. Nikmat betul.

Bagi aku bersalin dekat Annur ni quite pricey tapi worth it la. Normal + epidural lepastu ubat2 drip semua tu kos aku RM9.5k. Untuk baby pulak masuk antibiotik etc + neonates care dalam RM7k. 

Sedappp

Thats all bye!

35 weeks now

I don't know how to start. Lets start with how I feel today and my routine. Started off my day at 6.30am, getting ready for work, even though I had sleepless nights lately. I travelled 1 hour one way to work, which I still can endure in the morning, tapi on the way back home from work in the evening, I can't even tolerate the pain sometimes.

Last 2-3 days tidur salah bantal and sakit sangat bahu and leher. Sometimes bawak ke kepala. I can't turn my head as per normal sebab sakit gila. Kaki bengkak like nobody's business. If malam2 i akan tinggikan kaki, then morning dah tak glaring bengkak tu. However, thorughout the days, makin bengkak dan bengkak then ulang balik the same routine. Sometimes it looks like my kaki nak meletop. Had my checkup every 2 weeks now. Last week I had to repeat MGTT test sebab ukuran perut baby besar 1 week dari due date, meanwhile the head and size cuma 1-2 days je difference from my edd. Turn out everything is normal, cuma this time I really feel so hopeless maybe due to my advance age compared to my last two pregnancies. 

I had to go to toilet many many times at night. Every single hour to pee to poo etc. Keep having braxton hicks especially at night. Im not sure how long do I have to face all these. Is this the sign of labour? I really not sure at all. 

-_-

Pregnant Again on our 13th Years of Marriage

Happy new year 2025! How time flies. I don't even remember what I did in 2024. 

17th Nov 2024. The day I found out that I'm pregnant with our third baby. I am at 37 years old, both kids are now independent, doing their own stuff and suddenly.... 2025 will be the year that I will have to roam back to milk and diapers aisle. 

11th weeks now, and I feel like shit. I don't have the energy to do anything. I just try to live everyday. I don't have any appetite for foods, but I know I have to eat for my growing baby. At the same time I still have to go to work. Luckily my morning sickness only happen after maghrib. I would throw up like nobody's business.

Bloated 24/7 is normal now. Salute to mommies who gets pregnant every year to go through all these. I can eat fruits, but I hate it now. I hate filtered water be it at home/ office. I just hate to drink because it taste weird. I hate chicken but I don't have options. I hate seafood and meat, basically I hate everything but I force myself to eat something at least.

I felt sleepy and hungry all the time. I will eat mixed nuts all just because I have to stop my growling stomach. As for my husband, normally we would go for date nights, after the kids were asleep. Now, no more since I don't even have the mood to do anything. Really felt bad for him. Please tell me this will be over soon.

I realized lately anything that I thought, somehow will be materialized. I'm not sure how and why though. I want my mom fried beehoon so badly. My mom lived 4-5 hours away from me hence I know I won't be getting it sooner. I never tell anyone about this craving, and obviously my mom don't have any idea about it. My mom came to my house and guess what? She brought her fried beehoon! I cried thinking that Allah has been so generous to me.

I don't know what happen with this beehoon cravings. One day, my husband brought us to a Thai restaurant. I didn't tell him what I want to eat because I don't have the mood for anything. Deep down I felt like eating fried beehoon that night. Quite disappointed that they do not have it in their menus. Its ok, I ordered Phad That instead. Guess what? The waiter came to me to tell me that the Phad Thai is out of stock, so I had to order something else. I casually tell him that I want to have fried beehoon. Yes! Of course I got my fried beehoon. I'm shooked!

Last 2 weeks I thought, would be good if we can travel to Bali. I didn't plan or say anything to my husband about this, coz it is just a thought. I didn't feel like myself pun to travel due to my pregnancy. One evening after work, my husband ask me to choose any place to go and ask me to plan a short trip at least to go getaway for a few days. He handed me his card and voila! Off we go to Bali the very next day. When this happened, somehow I felt scary. Why Allah has granted my wishes so easily. I would still cry in the car every morning, even when I listened to Zikr. Maybe its the pregnancy hormone right? Even the simplest thing, for instance if I saw a rainbow in the sky while driving, I felt like its a gift from Allah to me and he sees me even though Im just a human, and that made me cry.

Today it happened again, Remember I told that I hate to drink the filtered water? We have someone came over to service our water filter this morning and she accidentally broke the pipe hence we can't use the dispenser until the maintenance guy came later in the evening. My husband was worried that we don't have water to drink in between. He bougth loads and loads of Spritzer water and yeah. Actually, that is the only kind of water that I would drink right now during this first trimester. I think, the stock he bought might last until months. Actually, every morning before work, I would drop by the gas station to buy Spritzer as my drinking water throughout the day and now of course I don't need to already. I am really grateful somehow, even when I didn't say to anyone what I need/ wants, Allah always knew it and he will make it happen. There's always a way.

I don't intend to blurt out everything, some of it I will keep to myself. I jot this so that I will always remember. I can't wait for this baby to arrive. This is a big Rezq that Allah has granted us. Actually it is the doa of  the brother and sister that was being granted by Allah. Alhamdulillah. I don't know how will I manage this, but I know, I can and I will do it somehow. It has been 10 years since I last giving birth, of course I forget things. My husband treat me like I am the first time mom haha.. But pity them coz I dont have the  mood for anything right now, i.e to lepak, to do chores, to cook etc. This too, shall pass insyaallah.

10.43pm, bedroom SR.

Already miss u

U'll be going for outstation, tomorrow.

Argh. Already miss u.

Marriage is a rollercoaster indeed.

We fight, we make up.

End of the day, we are still together. Apalah perkahwinan without pergaduhan kan. Difference is, I jot here. Not for anyone to read, tapi ini lah warna2 kehidupan i, which maybe lepas 10 tahun i baca balik, I will remember exactly how I am today.

Actually, i do love u. I really do.

xoxo

Once u lose me

Hey peeps.

Its Saturday, 8.30 pm.

Keadaan sekarang lapar. Tapi taknak makan. Harini takde buat apa, this morning I went to see my dad, then we had lunch dekat Bistro favourite I. Only the 2 of us. We talked, and somehow memang release my stress. Just like the good old days. My dad, very understanding. Bukan sejenis panas baran atau kaki maki. My dad always senang berbincang. Any problem, dia akan find the solution. Unlike someone I know, his approach will always maki first, don't talk. Lol. Im used to it, sampai I don't want to share anything anymore. My heart is numb from all the makian.

Aku pernah.

Sayang, adore, this person. Pernah.

But now it feels like too tired dah nak hadap. Sebab aku tak dibesarkan dengan makian dan carutan. A little bit of my dad's background, he was once a first class electrical engineering graduate dekat USA. Memang polite and pandai dari kecik. Even I can't even beat him in terms of academic, dari segi career, walaupun anak sepatutnya lebih hebat dari parents, sebab anak tu semua dicukupkan. But it's ok. I never regret anything.

Back to my story. Aku bukan merungut. Sometimes aku tak sure whether feelings aku ni valid ke tak. He thought he was never wrong. Tapi kenapa dengan hati aku? Sumpah demi Allah aku takde orang lain selain dia. Tapi hati aku kosong, as of now. Aku sedih tapi dia ignore everything that I have felt. Like it is not valid. I shouldn't have felt like this sebab bagi dia, dia dah provide everything. Materially, yes. Even sekarang when I look around, yes. He provide everything. Katil yang aku duduk, laptop yang aku guna, airpod yang aku dengar. 

Aku tak suka kena maki. Aku nak approach discussion. Bukan maki2 satu dunia dengar kau tak peduli pun apa aku rasa. Yang penting kau puas maki. Dah terlalu lama aku bertahan. Sekarang aku letih sampai takde air mata bila kena maki. Kau nak maki? Up to u. Im not listening anymore. In fact, slowly aku dah tak nak dengar apa2 dari kau.

Aku akan compare semua dengan masa silam kau sebab aku tau semua! Memang aku maafkan. Tapi untuk lupakan, jauh sangat. Setiap kali ingat aku jadi benci. Aku takkan makan Zanmai, takkan tengok wayang, takkan ambil gambar kau and share dekat kau sebab kau pernah create memory dengan orang lain. Memori aku.

Ini keadaan aku walaupun selepas 3 tahun.

Aku mungkin gila perhatian. Tapi kau akan bagi perhatian kalau kau nak. Bukan sebab aku suruh.Aku sedih sebab part of aku masih sayang and ingat kau yang dulu. Sebelum dia.

Slow2 kau dah hilang aku. Kita dah hancur 3 tahun lepas,without kita realise. 

Aku sekarang kat tempat yang paling last dalam prioriti kau. Tapi aku tak kisah dah. Even kita satu family jalan malam dekat Genting finally dapat spent time, suddenly kawan kau ajak lepak, immediately kau agree and ask us to take grab going back to the hotel. Yes aku sangat terasa! Terasa tak penting. "Aku hantar family aku naik grab jap". Kawan kau pun tau je and say "family first bro, takyah lah join lepak." But u insist. Instead u said, "takpe, anak bini aku dah puas main kat sini siang tadi". I heard everything. And deep down start comparing. If kau keluar dengan sial tu, kau takkan suruh dia balik naik grab kan? Even grab pun aku yang booking sendiri. Bodoh kan.

Aku diam. Aku tak highlight pun. Its ok.

Tapi harini memang dah tahap boiling point. Every weekdays kau lepak, if tak lepak kau tidur awal. Fine. Aku sabar lagi. Weekend parents kau datang tidur kat rumah. Even parents datang pun kau pergi lepak? Wow Im amazed. Somehow aku question balik, panas ke rumah ni. Kalau tak nak tengok muka aku cakap. Kau taknak, aku sejuta kali taknak. Kau tahu bukan aku yang nak teruskan relationship ni. Kau pretend like u care, but u are not, man. Aku boleh entertain parent kau without kau kisah pun. Yang penting is geng lepak kau yang dah hancurkan holiday aku tu. 

Harini kau lebih bro. Kau teman bapak kau pergi servis kereta and kau expect weekend aku dengan anak2 duduk rumah and cannot go anywhere sebab mak kau ada kat rumah? Jap aku rephrase. Kau and bapak kau tinggal mak kau kat rumah aku sebab nak pergi healing? Kamonla. Bro kau lepak hari2 kot. Semalam aku entertain, harini pun nak entertain ke macam mana? Habis aku? Bukan tak ikhlas tau. Tapi kalau lebih sangat, benda memang jadi tak ikhlas.

Adil kan untuk aku.

Aku pun ade parents. Aku pun nak jumpa parents aku. Bukan everyweek hadap benda sama. Kau boleh healing, tapi bila aku? Bodoh ke suruh aku balik rumah beli salad? ambik kau dekat bengkel? Sedangkan aku tengah jumpa abah aku. Kalau aku, kau suruh grab kan? kenapa kau tak boleh grab? Aku memang taknak ambik. Grab lah sana. Even suruh ambik dekat mrt pun kau suruh aku tunggu train, cakap nak pergi pun dah 40 minit. Just wow. At the first place, I dont even ask u to send me in the morning. Aku boleh je drive sendiri. Then petang kau suruh aku tunggu train? Sebab geng lepak? Well, now I know. Please eat your own medicine. Rasalah pahit ke tak.

Aku rasa valid untuk aku marah. Kau neglect aku. Lepas lepak balik 2-3 pagi kau expect aku nak entertain kau? sorry bro. not this time. Aku bukan semudah tu. Tak payah acah2 peluk aku sampai pagi.

Peluklah geng lepak kau. 

Aku rimas.

Faded

Hello dearies,

I don't even know why I am here tonight. Cuma perlukan ruang untuk meluah. Kadang2 nak bercerita dengan manusia, orang akan interpret dengan cara berbeza. Honestly, I just want to disappear from all these nonsense. 

Aku dah malas nak buat effort. Even bila rasa sakit, takde air mata pun untuk aku menangis. Sebab aku dah malas nak menangis. Rasa terlalu letih.

Anyway, we just got back from our short trip. All sponsored by company, macam biasa sebab trip ni is for team building and family day. Aku dah lama tinggalkan healthy breakfast etc, my bad. Lepas PKP, tak de dah effort nak cycling ke ape macam aku selalu buat dulu. Semua dah back tu macam masa zaman sebelum PKP. Somehow, PKP ni menyelamatkan rumah tangga aku masa tu. Kalau tak, Allah knows what will happen.

Alhamdulillah, even ekonomi meleset, kami berdua masih ada rezeki kerja, naik pangkat, naik gaji etc. Mungkin ada doa2 parents kami yang diangkat, sebab diri aku sendiri bukanlah baik mana untuk dapat all these blessings, aku rasa la.. hm..

Fast forward to now, aku rasa bangga dengan diri aku few years back, (read: masa muda), macam mana aku heal my own self after semua betrayal yang aku hadap dalam marriage aku. Reflecting back, aku rasa emotionally aku yang buat effort, meanwhile materially, dia yang banyak buat effort. Normal ke aku rasa, aku lagi prefer emotional efforts rather that semua material thingy yang dia provide dekat aku. Even dia tabur aku dengan macam2 benda, ada kalanya bila sedih / trigger, aku masih rasa aku nak pergi dari semua ni. Adakah aku manusia yang tak bersyukur?

Bukan aku tak maafkan, tapi aku tak pernah lupakan apa yang jadi. Yes, efforts kau mungkin aku butakan dengan apa yang jadi. Bila aku type sini, aku memang realise semua efforts kau tapi entahla kenapa dengan hati aku? Taburkan emas, handbag, random tudung duck yang kau beli tiba2, tapi kenapa hati aku rasa kosong? Tolonglah. Aku tawar hati ke? 

Cantik tapi bagi aku yelah, cantik jela. Even kau belikan untuk aku tapi aku tak de rasa sense of belonging pun. Bila baca balik apa yang aku type ni sumpah rasa macam tak bersyukur. Dia macam ni la, ada benda yang kau boleh tolerate, tapi bila berlaku berkali2, taburlah segunung emas pun dah takde erti.

Benda yang aku paling suka, cupcake, cake, benda manis2. Memang susah lah nak turun berat macam ni tapi ini lah sedikit bahagia yang paling ikhlas dalam hidup aku. 

But its okey, starting September aku cuba jot my journey to a healthy lifestyle dekat sini macam dulu hahah.. hopefully!

Aku beli Yoga mat rm18 kot dekat Kaison. Ni terpaling murah yang aku jumpa. At least if jadi tukun ke ape aku takde lah regret sangat. Mengantuk dah. Esok kerja. I'll end this now. Till then. Bye.

Snippet of the past few weeks

Hey there.. assalamualaikum.

As usual, when I write on this space, my husband already flew off for work. Exam in few days, tapi past few weeks I keep on berjimba je. How la.

Just to recap what happen during the past two weeks that my husband was around. We went for unplanned road trip to Pahang with the kids. Initially I nak pergi bawa diorang ke Kuala Gandah je. Manage to meet few elephants tapi smol2 one je. Suppose ada aktiviti mandikan gajah etc but sebab air sungai naik so cancel jela. Sebab suam2 kuku je experience tu, we decided to naik sikit head to Kuantan terus. Actually after Kuala Gandah, we stayed in a hotel at Temerloh. Had ikan patin etc then ingat nak cari makan dekat Kuantan. Sampai je Teluk Cempedak terus rasa amazednya ada Starbucks, Mcd, KFC, everything dekat sana and tempat tu so cantik. We end up terus booking a night stayed in Kuantan. 

My world. Captured with Ip13

Kuala Gandah Elephant Sanctuary

We were lucky to meet this 5 month baby elephant

Teluk Cempedak view yang buat we decide to stay for the night

Hello pinky beach

We had lunch at Restoran Mabiq. Ramai orang but quite efficient lah eventhough kena beratur juga nak masuk pun. We arrive on 12.30pm maybe orang baru nak ramai. Food taste good. I had pais ikan, eventhough i don't know what it is, turn out dia ikan patin tempoyak juga. I had it already dekat Temerloh and I had enough kot. Hari2 makan tempoyak pitamm..

We were lucky to secure a room eventhough it weekends. Masa lunch i scroll booking.com and luckily found this resort. Memang cantik. We ride ATV [RM50 for 30mins], ada pool, private beach, complementary breakfast semua, I had no complaint. Definitely I will come back again. There's little pub and restaurant dekat resort ni. We jalan pantai at night, then ada fireworks show, dekat beach. Memang lucky lah sebab kitorang tak tau pun ada benda ni. Dengan lagu2 best feeling sangat la kan. Maybe the ambience buat rasa best kot.

I cuti the whole week sebab annual leave I banyak lagi nak clear. Hehe.. Then balik KL jelah after Kuantan. Esoknya pergi swab test dekat Prince Court coz my husband nak work dah. Sebab alang2 keluar, we shoot to Genting Highlands pulak. Memang trip Pahang sangat la kalini. Tak naik atas. Just jalan dekat GHPO je. Husband alhamdulillah negative, clear nk pergi work.

We had desert dekat Godiva, husband I memang tau perangai I suka desert. Kalau I hilang tu either hilang dalam kedai kek atau kedai kopi. 😅 Both kids inherit trait I yang suka desert tu. Habislah. Manage to grab few handbags kat atas tu. I rasa murah kali ni maybe sebab Black Friday?? atau I memang lucky haha.. Perempuan atas ni dapat coklat dia dah happy dah. 

Owh before that! I ada trip with my family dekat Ipoh masa husband I off to work. Yelah nak tak nak we need to live je dalam covid ni kan. What we can do is try as much as we can to follow SOP. Jangan bersalam, jaga jarak, sanitise always, pakai mask. If dah kena what to do. But alhamdulillah, until now none of our family member get infected by covid. Future, we never know. Semua family members both sides dah vaccinated unless kids below 11 years old macam anak i memang tak lah. Hope Allah protects them always.

Both my parents, my nenek join this trip. Regardless la kena pakai wheelchair ke ape we all tolak je. My sisters, 4 out of 5 ada. In fact semua sibling I pun girls je takde boys haha.. If orang cakap I lemah lembut tu sebab belum pernah tengok I mengamuk jela kot. Ada satu story kelakar pasal nenek I but I keep it to myself jela hahaha.. I just nak create memories while they are still around. I pun tak tahu sampai bila I akan ada dekat sini. We never know. 

Looking back at our picktures, deep down I'm a proud sister and I nak congratulate my parents for raising us so well. My little sister doing specialist in opthalmologist, a med officer soon to be specialist dah. Another one is an engineer building maybe the tallest building in Malaysia, PNB118 and the youngest is doing her ACCA. Perempuan sesat semua orang dah besar suddenly dia lahir. 😂 We talked and chatted like we were still a kid. Especially when the husband is not around. My sister's husband now overseas to oversee construction project dengan Japan company. So of coz la dia pun single macam I haha.. My father cakap, tengoklah diorang ni even dah besar tapi cakap macam masa diorang budak2 dulu. Yeah.. miss that moment sebenarnya. Buat lawak bodoh, but now we are paying for the trip. Just bagitahu where u want to go, what u want to eat, we'll settle everything. Macam mana my parents settle everything for us masa kitorang kecik2 dulu. 

Hey Ipoh

Drooling

My all time fav Ah Cheng laksa

The best roti jala by Chef Nizam

Mee rebus Kuala Kangsar from cooked by my fren, Seri

Some random pictures of what I ate past few weeks haha. Anak I pun dah tahu perangai mak dia jangan makan lagi. Lemme feed the phone first! Lol! Sometimes when I tak amek gambar they'll ask me why I didn't take picture? Boleh makan dah ke ni? Hahahhahah... Sorry kids!!

This time around takde adegan baling barang, gaduh2 maki2.. Am I healed? Hahah.. We never know. But I tahu even how bad the situation is, I am loving him forever. He's back now, tapi hati manusia ni berbolak balik, Allah yang pegang. I'll be devastated but I know I will move on easily if it will ever happen again. For now, I just want to enjoy the moment, had him cuddle me when he's around, buying things that I want, bring me to road trip, kiss me randomly at night when I sleep. Cry when I cried. Trying so hard to jaga my hati. Always tarik kepala I to sleep at his ketiak omg! Hug me tight, make sure I'm covered dengan selimut. 

I don't know but I feel if I mengungkit lagi, macam I break his heart. I fikir banyak kali sebelum reply whatsapp or cakap. Sometimes I dah type, then I delete and type benda yang takkan trigger marah dia. Bila I dah type tu I lega coz I dah buat even tak send kat dia faham tak. Bila nak cakap pun I akan mengungkit dalam hati but then istighfar jap and cakap benda baik2 je la untuk dia dengar dengan telinga tu. At least ada improvement. Dulu I memang hembus je apa dalam hati I and the consequences memang real bad lah kan. Now let say if I teringat, I akan nangis je. I won't say anything. Esok dia fly, malam ni I akan masak untuk lunch dia. And I akan buat cookies favourite dia choc chip sea salt cookies. Actually favourite I, but tu macam signature cookies I la untuk dia haha.. Then final nights tu normally we will cuddle and check each other nangis ke tak. Lol. Lama dah tak rasa berat hati nak lepaskan. I don't know, hikmah after what happen ni, relationship kitorang makin berkualiti. Makin matang mungkin. Alhamdulillah.. Tapi hope dia tak lupa, even I sayang pun I can walk away anytime and forget everything if benda jadi lagi. Parents I tak ajar pula kalau kena pijak just stay.

Tapi like I said previously, I just want to enjoy the moment. I love my husband, love my family, my kids, my friends. I love them all. Insyaallah amin.

Bahagia itu....

Menulis lagi.. tunggu isya jap lagi around 8.09pm. Bila menulis balik kat sini, faham2 jelah, suami saya sudah balik bekerja. Jadinya, takde lagi sesi batal air sembahyang everytime after solat. Maka, boleh la saya simpan wudhuk untuk next solat. Hihi.. Bersaya pula. 😅

Salam takziah untuk semua yang terkesan dengan Covid19. Tak dapat bayangkan kalau aku yang diuji macam tu. Kehilangan ahli keluarga, pasangan atau anak2. Astaghfirullahalazim.. Hugs to all of u. Lama dah aku puasa social media. Takde nak upload apa2 sebab zaman sekarang ni bagi aku, bahagia tu biarla kita yang rasa sendiri. Takde apa nak dibuktikan pun dekat orang lain. Tak sampai hati nak upload kebahagiaan, sedangkan ada insan lain yang baru kehilangan. 

Tak sangka dah setahun berlalu sejak kes dulu. Hati aku mungkin dah semakin pulih. Aku rasa la.. tapi bila husband balik kerja tu, aku masih rasa sedih, risau jugak sikit2. Macam tu lah. Tapi mungkin keadaan dah sangat baik berbanding tahun lepas, masa ni. Dari kecik sejenis kuat merajuk, memang lama la masa untuk aku betul2 pulih. Husband aku pun, kesabaran dia memang banyak diuji selama setahun ni. Anytime aku boleh trigger, anytime aku boleh moody. 

Looking back through gambar2 yang aku ambik dalam phone gallery, banyak benda aku perlu bersyukur. Husband aku, on his side, aku nampak dia berusaha sangat nak pulihkan hati aku. Bagi semua benda yang aku nak sampai aku dah tak tahu apa je lagi yang kurang. 

Da masuk isya gais. 

Lapar la bila tengok gambar2 dalam gallery ni. Hm...

View rumah adik aku

Talking to the moon..........

Aku dekat tower 1, bila dapat amek gambar tiga2 ni align

Fav anak saye

Fav anak lelaki saye

Cendol ni the bomb dekat Melaka

Ramen asam pedas telur mayong.. Weird taste tapi sedap

Fav drink saye... Cham Iced!

Ini masa kita lepak kopitiam. Lempeng sambal bilis paling terbaik kat sini

Kan dah cakap anak saya suka fries

Makan kat qbistro mmg kena order mee goreng! telio!

Ok bye nak isya dulu sebelum menyuap makanan ke mulut anak2 saye hahahahah 😉

Love ft Marriage & Divorce

Just finished Ep15 Season 2 tadi. This episode mostly highlighted pasal Dr Yu Sin yang seems jealous ex-wife dia found someone maybe better than him. This ex-wife which is Pi Young for me memang tahu lah how to play her role really well. Orang boleh cakap, u boleh je endure the pain of being cheated and let it slide or hid it under the rugs then continue life as usual. Tapi, those yang merasa tu actually tahu apa yang dia patut buat. Betullah, time will tell whether decision yang u buat hari ni tu betul atau tak.

Sakit tu lagi perit especially bila both were in love with each other while still being married. Cheated on by the person that u trust the most is painful. Tapi perempuan ni, once move on then that's it. Mampu gelak jela at the end of the day. 

Anyways, pagi tadi Dato Azizul Hasni Awang menang perak acara Keirin Olimpik Tokyo 2020. Next Paris 2023 I'm sure he will get the gold. Sebak sangat tadi after the race he said that his father was sick at the hospital, he had to leave his family since 15 years old, leaving his wife and children at Australia to pursue his golden dreams. Anak2 everyday call tanya bila nak balik.  Inilah pengorbanan yang dia buat untuk Malaysia. Yang bestnya, wartawan just bagi tau satu secret dekat dia that his wife is pregnant no.3! Such a blessings. Alhamdulillah.. Lepasni dah boleh rehat, balik jumpa wife dan anak2. Tumpang bangga dan happy untuk Dato'.

Harini tak de apa sangat just duduk rumah macam biasa. Sunday is not really a fun day. Sambil siapkan report sambil tengok Olimpik. Husband macam biasa, pergi kebun dengan his father. 

My breakfast for today..

Fresh orange + collagen + aloe + kelulut honey

Buah naga 💗

Actually bila i amalkan collagen ni i macam rasa ada improvement on texture kulit i. Seems glowing and smooth haha.. ke i je rasa macam tu.. Rambut pun dah kurang gugur. So far so good. And aloe I akan add like 2 caps dalam breakfast drink i. Aloe ni setahu i untuk lawas. Yea, it works! Jadi perempuan macam ni lah. Always have to take care of yourself. I nak cantik pun untuk suami ya. 😇

Masalahnya bila everytime husband balik kebun akan bawa durian sekali kat rumah ni.. Haih, I memang pemakan durian tegar. So hard to resist! Kalau tak bawa balik ok je takde la nampak depan mata.

Bila ada kebun durian mestila kena tahu kan jenis2 durian yang ada dekat kebun tu. Husband I ni dia jenis tak kisah sangat. Tapi kalau i, memang selalu nak tahu jenis dia. Memang nampak sama tapi tak ye.. 

D99

D99 ni buah dia bulat, memang kalay tengok kenal sebab line tapak dengan pangsa dia tu jelas.

IOI

Kalau nak kenal IOI, buah dia warna hijau tua, duri rapat2. Bila biasa tengok dan compare memang senang je kenal sebenarnya. Isi dia lembut, sedap sangat. Bak kata kawan i, macam mentega 😅

Semalam husband I belikan maid baru. Philip AF. Actually tak intended nak beli pun. Cuma AF dalam rumah ni adik I dah bawa pindah. Haha.. Memang akan cari AF lah even I tak la masak sangat. Sometimes rasa bersalah jugak bila dia keep on spend duit on me. Bukan lah on me.. tapi macam beli barang besar2 let say now if I nak phone ke, dia akan belikan. Just say it. Tapi most of the time i takkan ambil kesempatan la minta benda bukan2. Macam I, most of my expenses I spend on things I like, contoh Herbalife ke, periuk ke, benda shopee lah. 

Haritu we go to hospital ambil ubat my father. Dah habis tu, biasalah dia akan beli coffee. Macam i suka pastries and cakes. So dia akan belikan i cake even dia tak makan pun carrot cake. I jot down kat sini sebab nanti bila i marah i harap i tak lupa kebaikan dia ni.

Carrot cake HUKM

He's on his way from kebun da. So I nak kena masakla ni. Sup daging je harini.. Simple dan senang. Makan dengan bubur. 

Hujan lebat berpetir2 sekarang. Okay lah time to cook! Till then 💋

You gotta love yourself woman!

Hi Dear,

I just completed my vaccination yesterday. 2nd dose at PWTC was so smooth. Sekejap sangat dah settle. This time, I memang tengok when the PIC doing the jab, just to make sure that they do it properly coz banyak dah complaint vaksin angin la, tak suntik etc. Im soo not gonna waste my time on having to face semua tu. Nope, didn't take any pics sebab nak avoid risk of contagious infection if I let others hold my phone or vice versa. Digital cert tu cukup dah bukti dah complete dose kan.

Musim durian dekat pilah just started around past 2-3 weeks. Ade lah jual dekat my friend sikit, etc. I tak excited sangat musim durian ni, entahlah. Maybe sebab dari kecik my family pun ada dusun durian. Always spend time sana when there's durian season. Then after married, my husband bought an orchard also.. which more or less the same je lah. And one more sebab durian ni buat I benci. Biasalah perempuan menggedik andartu blaja kolej private jadi doktor kontrak pastu demand nak permanent post pulak akan hint suka durian la etc. Like I care. Semua benda rasa entitle. Kamonla.

I just came across a quote tau.. 'heartbreak doesn't last long, same goes to love'. U know what I mean? Over time, it heals.. tapi u won't forget that u are hurt, cuma somehow hati u dapat terima, and u akan tahu sebenarnya pemilik hati tu cuma satu, Allah. Sedih bila tahu orang yang kita sayang, percaya tu.. hati dia dekat orang lain. If it was easy to just walk away, I would. Tapi banyak sangat hati yang akan terluka. Especially my parents and my kids. So, I know I can to this too. Memaafkan dan move on, melupakan tidak. 

It would be easy if he just let me go macam tu.. dari pujuk I with his every effort. Made me feel macam sometimes I love him, bila ingat balik I jadi benci. Mengamuk2 untuk dia lepaskan je I (ni memang I wajar kena kecam) but then he said that until I found someone yang boleh jaga I better that dia jaga I, he won't lepaskan I. One day if I found the one, then dia akan buat apa yang I nak. Ok bai.

This morning, I feel like boosting my immune system lepas ambil vaksin. Scared last time masa first dose teruk sangat effect dia for a day. Demam, sakit badan etc but this time I takde rasa apa apa pun. So far so good. Cuma husband ada demam dan sakit badan. But taknak mengaku lol.

Guna juicer jelah mix orange + tomato + herbalife collagen + aloe. Biasalah rasa collagen ni tak sedap rasa nak muntah tapi when mix with fresh orange okay jela tutup mata minum. In my early 30s now, so kena la love myself more. Orang lain hati boleh berubah kan.. Dia lupa kot hati I ni pun boleh je berubah.

My breakfast drink. Oh lupa, ada add a tsp of kelulut honey. One of superfood yang I suka. Confirm natural sebab my sis in law bela belakang rumah dia je 😅

Hello breakfast!

Okaylah hopefully boleh cantik lepas ni wakakakakaa...

Just Maybe

"PUTUS ATAU TERUS"

Aku sedang bertanya tanya

Tentang perasaan kita

Benarkah kita saling mencinta

Atau hanya pernah saling cinta

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bila kamu tanya aku maunya apa

Aku mau kita trus bersama

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar ohh..

Hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan 

***********************************************************************************

Lately banyak cerita sedih among my friends. The husband of my office mate passed away due to covid 19. My ex colleage, the husband now in ICU intubated due to covid stage 5. Al fatihah to both of them. Harapnya korang kuat hadapi ujian dunia ni. Meanwhile.. ujian aku pun berbeza. I'm fighting everyday untuk kembalikan hubungan macam sedia kala. Allah masih bagi aku peluang. Tapi mungkin terlalu lama MCO aku ke yang mental? Atau instinct aku yang fail?

Aku manusia.. Aku pun tau letih. Too tired to fight. Tak tau apa yang aku fight. Until today.. I'm not fighting anymore. Just a total silent. It's okay. Sometimes aku tau, 'pandangan' dia tu menyatakan that I'm not that good, that judgemental look at me when there were days yang I tak really productive, maybe. I never judge u when u are on your unproductive mode. Laying in bed, phone 24 hrs.

Just. Whatever. I had enough. I don't know if I'm living a lie or it's just me yang tak nak percaya.

I had enough of 'owh harini letih sangat, balik kebun', 'penatnya kayuh basikal. tak larat.', .. For me, it just meant one thing, u just had enough of me. Just say it to my face. Instead of just lying everytime. To me, and to yourself.

Maybe I should recite Al-Fatihah to myself.

Sometimes I wish I would be gone but life is not as simple as that. Orang dah tak nak, buat apa nak stay. 

I did visualize myself, working somewhere in the country that is dear to me someday, leaving everything behind. Sometimes, I would visualize other things, macam one fine day bila dah tua we will spend our days with the cucus.. pegi kebun etc. But the latter seems better. 

Maybe I should just brace it and let go. Afterall, a happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Maybe I should just let it slide and move on.

Just maybe.

Hijrah Cinta

He might thought that I'm after his money. But he did forgot that I was there when he had nothing. To be honest, I don't know what I am after. The love we had already been broken. There's basically no more pure love that all these while I thought was ours. There's no more trust. There's no more us.

Cakaplah aku letakkan cinta aku pada manusia. U can say whatever u want, because u can. It's not your heart that was broken. I wonder if I just end it, would u still be fine? Kau cakap kau tak akan ok, but again, tu cuma kata-kata. U will be just fine without me. 

Kaca yang pecah pun takkan kembali ke asal.

Jadi, bila aku broken, jangan salahkan aku.

"Apa yang kau nak aku buat?" 

There's no answer to that question. It's not that I did not do any soul searching after what had happened. Mungkin ini balasan untuk aku. Atau ujian. Mungkin. Tapi aku separuh kuat je nak hadap semua ni. Baton tu dekat tangan aku, Tapi, end of it, kau yang akan buat keputusan.

Tak adil untuk aku, untuk kau, untuk anak bila semua ni jadi. Bila aku rasa nak menjeruk hati. Bila-bila aku nak. Bila-bila aku trigger. Aku takkan trigger pun kalau benda ni tak jadi. Tapi aku pun tak boleh salahkan takdir. Aku tak layak pun nak question takdir yang dah jadi.

"Semua harta aku atas nama kau. Kau nak apa lagi? Apa yang kau takut sangat?'

Honestly.. 

I'm speechless. This is hurting me even more. When we had nothing, I'm the one who bought the A4 and printer to print your resume. Even proofreading it before it got sent out. And this is all I got? When u think u are at the peak? Will it be better if I'm gone for good? I never want anything from u. All these while.. I'm doing everything out of love. Takpelah. I'm too tired to explain.

Kau mungkin rasa aku membenci. Sumpah tak akan ada benci. Cuma hati ni terlalu hancur. Aku berperang dengan perasaan sendiri almost everyday. Mungkin dengan buat kau benci kau akan lebih senang melepaskan. Jujur jela dengan perasaan kau. Kalau cuma aku, mana mungkin ada dia. Kan?

Maybe it would be better if aku just pergi. Tinggalkan semua ni. Tinggalkan segala kesakitan ni. At the same time, mana mungkin aku tinggalkan anak-anak aku. Tak adil untuk anak-anak aku nak hadap semua ni. My babies, I will pass my exam this December, and I have a plan already. For us. Insyaallah. All will be fine.

Welcome July 2021

Bulan baru.. dekat Malaysia masih PKP to curb Covid 19. Kes sehari 5k+ to 6k+.. 

Lama sangat tak tulis dekat sini. Husband I (masih) since balik before his birthday haritu still di sini. Permit kerja still pending, hence most of them tak boleh balik Sarawak. Almost 3 months staying together, terlalu banyak ups and down. Imagine la.. I akan tulis blog when he's not around. Lama sangat I rasa I tak jengah this personal space sebab masa I memang occupied untuk family. Lagi2 dengan PKP ni dua2 work from home, anak2 PDPR.

This time MCO I rasa mentally exhausted sangat. If last time, I ada masa nak main basikal dekat Putrajaya (before incident kena tahan polis happened). Tapi kalini, nak naik basikal pun takde mood sebab tak boleh rentas daerah.. I memang takkan main dekat main road sebab I tak tahu bawak motor and tak pandai bajet. That's why before this I cuma akan main dekat taman2. But taman pun dah tak boleh sekarang. Tak boleh rentas daerah, tak boleh pergi more than 10km from your house.

December 2021 would be a hard core month for me. I ada 4 papers to finish. Memang I kena prepare from now or else I die lah kot. While I'm typing this, my cat massage me. Disturbing sungguhla. Ish.. Anak I kat luar tu.. PDPR start at 7.30am.. Dia pulak taknak pakai earphone. Hurm.. terpaksa layan ya.. 

Kelas baby kecik I start at 8.30am. If dia kelas, he wants me to teman him. Everyday ok. Sampai kelas dia habis around 11am. I pun akan duduk sebelah, doing my revision or doing my work. And kena layan dia if dia tanya soalan yang dia tak faham. 

Around 12ish, I akan start cooking for lunch. Normally simple je la. Routine PKP I terlalu sama everyday sampai somehow dah muak. Husband cakap suruh I masak sekali je sehari. If dah masak lunch, dinner order makan dekat luar. Yelah, kalau dinner hari2 nasi pataya, nasi goreng kampung... baik I masak sendiri jelah. Kena dengan tekak my family, tekak I. Bukan tak bersyukur. Tapi mak2 ni dia rasa puas kalau dia masak sendiri.

I akan buat kerja sampai around 5am macam tu. (ikut office hour), and I akan sambung la malam ke tengah malam ke if ada dateline nak meet. Kalau mood ke laut, siang layan netflix ke, astro go kt laptop. Malam I akan cover balik buat kerja. Flexible sangat cuma lebih baik kalau covid ni takde dah, and semua back to normal.

Gaduh laki bini tu biasa la. I ke yang tak bersyukur, mungkinla. Atau I terlalu demand ke? I don't think so. Kalau I demand, I minta husband I cari maid. I pun takkan buat semua kat rumah ni.. masak, cuci baju, cuci pinggan, sidai baju, lipat baju, setel anak semua, make sure dua2 orang tu ikut schedule PDPR. 

I wonder la.. ada ke husband and wife yang sentiasa 24 jam loving, sayang each other, tak pernah bergaduh.. semua indah je? For me, kitorang gaduh, kadang dua2 makan hati, sampai nangis2. I nangis, husband I nangis. Sebab benda kecik jela selalunya. Contoh : bila I beli beras, I akan beli beras wangi.. Bila husband beli, dia beli beras hancur. Benda macam ni pun boleh buat gaduh. From my point of view, gaji dia puluh2 k kot, bukan tak mampu. Benda nak bagi makan family. From his point of view, I tak bersyukur and takbur. I don't know. Bila fikir balik, mungkin dia pun main ambik je beras apa2 pun dekat mall tu. I syak kitorang ni dah stress duduk rumah.

It's okay.. by the time habis this year, I akan finish all my papers, my life will change 360 degrees. I nak manifest benda ni hari2. Insyaallah, aminn.

Sundae

Been so long since my last entry. Last week I ada cakap nak buat few things but I hanya mampu merancang.. Allah yang menentukan. I had my menses so I tak dapat buat la puasa straight seminggu 😑 I dapat few days jela but its ok. Effort is what matters kan.

16 days till Ramadhan. I dah dapat satu shake recipe using c&c which memang sedap. I think for Ramadhan, I akan all out jelah diet kan. Ada around sebulan setengah lagi so.. sempat sangat nak shed few more kgs. Since I first started my weight loss journey on early Feb'21, I have shed a total of almost 10kgs of weight. Insyaallah if I keep going doing things that I have learned from the support group, I'll be alright.

Last week jugak, my husband passed his assessment.. which die takut sangat tu. Because his superior and few of his colleague pun ada yang have to repeat the assessment again. But he did it the first time. I genuinely happy for him. 

His birthday is coming.. I had few activities planned already. So I hope all went as plan lah. I still follow diet, I would not say it is diet lah.. not strict coz u still have to stuff yourself with food. Cuma I dah belajar makan dengan portion yang betul, makan benda yang betul.. without having to suffer from starvation.

Chicken marinate w yogurt, pepper, salt.. with veges dipped with greek yogurt

Bekal I the other day.. masa dekat office. Yep, I actually dah mula rasa selesa makan macam ni. 

Weekend jugak I met my fren from uni.. we brought the kids to KL Bird Park. They had fun! Not our first time pun datang sini but this time I baru perasan ada hornbill. Amazed jap tengok. Super duper cantik.

Later on, we went off to kedai bunga favourite i. Sampai my daughter cakap mama kalau masuk kedai bunga mesti lama sebab tak tau nak pilih yang mana. Semua cantik2. 

Choice for the week

I ni normally bila masuk kedai akan terus nampak benda yang I nak. Means I dah grab this orange roses. Lepastu melilau lagi cari mana tahu nak tukar... then orange tadi letak balik. Somehow, after a while I mesti akan ambil balik orange tu semula sebab selalunya I akan patah balik dekat first choice I. I tak puas hati if tak pergi cari bunga lain tu yang jadi lama tu. Sedangkan if terus ambil je n bayar bunga first choice I tu, dah setel lama dah. Masalah orang perempuan kan.

That sum up last week punya cerita. Oh ya.. Neelofa dah kahwin semalam! I'm so so happy for her. Semoga perkahwinannya diberkati dan dilimpahkan rahmat oleh Allah swt. 

Husband I nak balik Khamis ni. So today jela last chance I nak kemas rumah before dia balik. Weekdays I kerja, memang tak lah nak kemas rumah teruk2. Till then, bye.