Love ft Marriage & Divorce

Just finished Ep15 Season 2 tadi. This episode mostly highlighted pasal Dr Yu Sin yang seems jealous ex-wife dia found someone maybe better than him. This ex-wife which is Pi Young for me memang tahu lah how to play her role really well. Orang boleh cakap, u boleh je endure the pain of being cheated and let it slide or hid it under the rugs then continue life as usual. Tapi, those yang merasa tu actually tahu apa yang dia patut buat. Betullah, time will tell whether decision yang u buat hari ni tu betul atau tak.

Sakit tu lagi perit especially bila both were in love with each other while still being married. Cheated on by the person that u trust the most is painful. Tapi perempuan ni, once move on then that's it. Mampu gelak jela at the end of the day. 

Anyways, pagi tadi Dato Azizul Hasni Awang menang perak acara Keirin Olimpik Tokyo 2020. Next Paris 2023 I'm sure he will get the gold. Sebak sangat tadi after the race he said that his father was sick at the hospital, he had to leave his family since 15 years old, leaving his wife and children at Australia to pursue his golden dreams. Anak2 everyday call tanya bila nak balik.  Inilah pengorbanan yang dia buat untuk Malaysia. Yang bestnya, wartawan just bagi tau satu secret dekat dia that his wife is pregnant no.3! Such a blessings. Alhamdulillah.. Lepasni dah boleh rehat, balik jumpa wife dan anak2. Tumpang bangga dan happy untuk Dato'.

Harini tak de apa sangat just duduk rumah macam biasa. Sunday is not really a fun day. Sambil siapkan report sambil tengok Olimpik. Husband macam biasa, pergi kebun dengan his father. 

My breakfast for today..

Fresh orange + collagen + aloe + kelulut honey

Buah naga 💗

Actually bila i amalkan collagen ni i macam rasa ada improvement on texture kulit i. Seems glowing and smooth haha.. ke i je rasa macam tu.. Rambut pun dah kurang gugur. So far so good. And aloe I akan add like 2 caps dalam breakfast drink i. Aloe ni setahu i untuk lawas. Yea, it works! Jadi perempuan macam ni lah. Always have to take care of yourself. I nak cantik pun untuk suami ya. 😇

Masalahnya bila everytime husband balik kebun akan bawa durian sekali kat rumah ni.. Haih, I memang pemakan durian tegar. So hard to resist! Kalau tak bawa balik ok je takde la nampak depan mata.

Bila ada kebun durian mestila kena tahu kan jenis2 durian yang ada dekat kebun tu. Husband I ni dia jenis tak kisah sangat. Tapi kalau i, memang selalu nak tahu jenis dia. Memang nampak sama tapi tak ye.. 

D99

D99 ni buah dia bulat, memang kalay tengok kenal sebab line tapak dengan pangsa dia tu jelas.

IOI

Kalau nak kenal IOI, buah dia warna hijau tua, duri rapat2. Bila biasa tengok dan compare memang senang je kenal sebenarnya. Isi dia lembut, sedap sangat. Bak kata kawan i, macam mentega 😅

Semalam husband I belikan maid baru. Philip AF. Actually tak intended nak beli pun. Cuma AF dalam rumah ni adik I dah bawa pindah. Haha.. Memang akan cari AF lah even I tak la masak sangat. Sometimes rasa bersalah jugak bila dia keep on spend duit on me. Bukan lah on me.. tapi macam beli barang besar2 let say now if I nak phone ke, dia akan belikan. Just say it. Tapi most of the time i takkan ambil kesempatan la minta benda bukan2. Macam I, most of my expenses I spend on things I like, contoh Herbalife ke, periuk ke, benda shopee lah. 

Haritu we go to hospital ambil ubat my father. Dah habis tu, biasalah dia akan beli coffee. Macam i suka pastries and cakes. So dia akan belikan i cake even dia tak makan pun carrot cake. I jot down kat sini sebab nanti bila i marah i harap i tak lupa kebaikan dia ni.

Carrot cake HUKM

He's on his way from kebun da. So I nak kena masakla ni. Sup daging je harini.. Simple dan senang. Makan dengan bubur. 

Hujan lebat berpetir2 sekarang. Okay lah time to cook! Till then 💋

You gotta love yourself woman!

Hi Dear,

I just completed my vaccination yesterday. 2nd dose at PWTC was so smooth. Sekejap sangat dah settle. This time, I memang tengok when the PIC doing the jab, just to make sure that they do it properly coz banyak dah complaint vaksin angin la, tak suntik etc. Im soo not gonna waste my time on having to face semua tu. Nope, didn't take any pics sebab nak avoid risk of contagious infection if I let others hold my phone or vice versa. Digital cert tu cukup dah bukti dah complete dose kan.

Musim durian dekat pilah just started around past 2-3 weeks. Ade lah jual dekat my friend sikit, etc. I tak excited sangat musim durian ni, entahlah. Maybe sebab dari kecik my family pun ada dusun durian. Always spend time sana when there's durian season. Then after married, my husband bought an orchard also.. which more or less the same je lah. And one more sebab durian ni buat I benci. Biasalah perempuan menggedik andartu blaja kolej private jadi doktor kontrak pastu demand nak permanent post pulak akan hint suka durian la etc. Like I care. Semua benda rasa entitle. Kamonla.

I just came across a quote tau.. 'heartbreak doesn't last long, same goes to love'. U know what I mean? Over time, it heals.. tapi u won't forget that u are hurt, cuma somehow hati u dapat terima, and u akan tahu sebenarnya pemilik hati tu cuma satu, Allah. Sedih bila tahu orang yang kita sayang, percaya tu.. hati dia dekat orang lain. If it was easy to just walk away, I would. Tapi banyak sangat hati yang akan terluka. Especially my parents and my kids. So, I know I can to this too. Memaafkan dan move on, melupakan tidak. 

It would be easy if he just let me go macam tu.. dari pujuk I with his every effort. Made me feel macam sometimes I love him, bila ingat balik I jadi benci. Mengamuk2 untuk dia lepaskan je I (ni memang I wajar kena kecam) but then he said that until I found someone yang boleh jaga I better that dia jaga I, he won't lepaskan I. One day if I found the one, then dia akan buat apa yang I nak. Ok bai.

This morning, I feel like boosting my immune system lepas ambil vaksin. Scared last time masa first dose teruk sangat effect dia for a day. Demam, sakit badan etc but this time I takde rasa apa apa pun. So far so good. Cuma husband ada demam dan sakit badan. But taknak mengaku lol.

Guna juicer jelah mix orange + tomato + herbalife collagen + aloe. Biasalah rasa collagen ni tak sedap rasa nak muntah tapi when mix with fresh orange okay jela tutup mata minum. In my early 30s now, so kena la love myself more. Orang lain hati boleh berubah kan.. Dia lupa kot hati I ni pun boleh je berubah.

My breakfast drink. Oh lupa, ada add a tsp of kelulut honey. One of superfood yang I suka. Confirm natural sebab my sis in law bela belakang rumah dia je 😅

Hello breakfast!

Okaylah hopefully boleh cantik lepas ni wakakakakaa...

Just Maybe

"PUTUS ATAU TERUS"

Aku sedang bertanya tanya

Tentang perasaan kita

Benarkah kita saling mencinta

Atau hanya pernah saling cinta

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bukankah kamu juga merasa

Dingin mulai menjalari

Percakapan kita

Pertanyaan kamu sedang apa?

Terkesan hanya sebuah formalitas saja

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Apakah sebaiknya kita putus atau terus

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan

Bila kamu tanya aku maunya apa

Aku mau kita trus bersama

Coba tanyakan lagi pada hatimu

Kita sedang mempertahankan hubungan

Atau hanya sekedar ohh..

Hanya sekedar

Menunda perpisahan 

***********************************************************************************

Lately banyak cerita sedih among my friends. The husband of my office mate passed away due to covid 19. My ex colleage, the husband now in ICU intubated due to covid stage 5. Al fatihah to both of them. Harapnya korang kuat hadapi ujian dunia ni. Meanwhile.. ujian aku pun berbeza. I'm fighting everyday untuk kembalikan hubungan macam sedia kala. Allah masih bagi aku peluang. Tapi mungkin terlalu lama MCO aku ke yang mental? Atau instinct aku yang fail?

Aku manusia.. Aku pun tau letih. Too tired to fight. Tak tau apa yang aku fight. Until today.. I'm not fighting anymore. Just a total silent. It's okay. Sometimes aku tau, 'pandangan' dia tu menyatakan that I'm not that good, that judgemental look at me when there were days yang I tak really productive, maybe. I never judge u when u are on your unproductive mode. Laying in bed, phone 24 hrs.

Just. Whatever. I had enough. I don't know if I'm living a lie or it's just me yang tak nak percaya.

I had enough of 'owh harini letih sangat, balik kebun', 'penatnya kayuh basikal. tak larat.', .. For me, it just meant one thing, u just had enough of me. Just say it to my face. Instead of just lying everytime. To me, and to yourself.

Maybe I should recite Al-Fatihah to myself.

Sometimes I wish I would be gone but life is not as simple as that. Orang dah tak nak, buat apa nak stay. 

I did visualize myself, working somewhere in the country that is dear to me someday, leaving everything behind. Sometimes, I would visualize other things, macam one fine day bila dah tua we will spend our days with the cucus.. pegi kebun etc. But the latter seems better. 

Maybe I should just brace it and let go. Afterall, a happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.

Maybe I should just let it slide and move on.

Just maybe.

Hijrah Cinta

He might thought that I'm after his money. But he did forgot that I was there when he had nothing. To be honest, I don't know what I am after. The love we had already been broken. There's basically no more pure love that all these while I thought was ours. There's no more trust. There's no more us.

Cakaplah aku letakkan cinta aku pada manusia. U can say whatever u want, because u can. It's not your heart that was broken. I wonder if I just end it, would u still be fine? Kau cakap kau tak akan ok, but again, tu cuma kata-kata. U will be just fine without me. 

Kaca yang pecah pun takkan kembali ke asal.

Jadi, bila aku broken, jangan salahkan aku.

"Apa yang kau nak aku buat?" 

There's no answer to that question. It's not that I did not do any soul searching after what had happened. Mungkin ini balasan untuk aku. Atau ujian. Mungkin. Tapi aku separuh kuat je nak hadap semua ni. Baton tu dekat tangan aku, Tapi, end of it, kau yang akan buat keputusan.

Tak adil untuk aku, untuk kau, untuk anak bila semua ni jadi. Bila aku rasa nak menjeruk hati. Bila-bila aku nak. Bila-bila aku trigger. Aku takkan trigger pun kalau benda ni tak jadi. Tapi aku pun tak boleh salahkan takdir. Aku tak layak pun nak question takdir yang dah jadi.

"Semua harta aku atas nama kau. Kau nak apa lagi? Apa yang kau takut sangat?'

Honestly.. 

I'm speechless. This is hurting me even more. When we had nothing, I'm the one who bought the A4 and printer to print your resume. Even proofreading it before it got sent out. And this is all I got? When u think u are at the peak? Will it be better if I'm gone for good? I never want anything from u. All these while.. I'm doing everything out of love. Takpelah. I'm too tired to explain.

Kau mungkin rasa aku membenci. Sumpah tak akan ada benci. Cuma hati ni terlalu hancur. Aku berperang dengan perasaan sendiri almost everyday. Mungkin dengan buat kau benci kau akan lebih senang melepaskan. Jujur jela dengan perasaan kau. Kalau cuma aku, mana mungkin ada dia. Kan?

Maybe it would be better if aku just pergi. Tinggalkan semua ni. Tinggalkan segala kesakitan ni. At the same time, mana mungkin aku tinggalkan anak-anak aku. Tak adil untuk anak-anak aku nak hadap semua ni. My babies, I will pass my exam this December, and I have a plan already. For us. Insyaallah. All will be fine.

Welcome July 2021

Bulan baru.. dekat Malaysia masih PKP to curb Covid 19. Kes sehari 5k+ to 6k+.. 

Lama sangat tak tulis dekat sini. Husband I (masih) since balik before his birthday haritu still di sini. Permit kerja still pending, hence most of them tak boleh balik Sarawak. Almost 3 months staying together, terlalu banyak ups and down. Imagine la.. I akan tulis blog when he's not around. Lama sangat I rasa I tak jengah this personal space sebab masa I memang occupied untuk family. Lagi2 dengan PKP ni dua2 work from home, anak2 PDPR.

This time MCO I rasa mentally exhausted sangat. If last time, I ada masa nak main basikal dekat Putrajaya (before incident kena tahan polis happened). Tapi kalini, nak naik basikal pun takde mood sebab tak boleh rentas daerah.. I memang takkan main dekat main road sebab I tak tahu bawak motor and tak pandai bajet. That's why before this I cuma akan main dekat taman2. But taman pun dah tak boleh sekarang. Tak boleh rentas daerah, tak boleh pergi more than 10km from your house.

December 2021 would be a hard core month for me. I ada 4 papers to finish. Memang I kena prepare from now or else I die lah kot. While I'm typing this, my cat massage me. Disturbing sungguhla. Ish.. Anak I kat luar tu.. PDPR start at 7.30am.. Dia pulak taknak pakai earphone. Hurm.. terpaksa layan ya.. 

Kelas baby kecik I start at 8.30am. If dia kelas, he wants me to teman him. Everyday ok. Sampai kelas dia habis around 11am. I pun akan duduk sebelah, doing my revision or doing my work. And kena layan dia if dia tanya soalan yang dia tak faham. 

Around 12ish, I akan start cooking for lunch. Normally simple je la. Routine PKP I terlalu sama everyday sampai somehow dah muak. Husband cakap suruh I masak sekali je sehari. If dah masak lunch, dinner order makan dekat luar. Yelah, kalau dinner hari2 nasi pataya, nasi goreng kampung... baik I masak sendiri jelah. Kena dengan tekak my family, tekak I. Bukan tak bersyukur. Tapi mak2 ni dia rasa puas kalau dia masak sendiri.

I akan buat kerja sampai around 5am macam tu. (ikut office hour), and I akan sambung la malam ke tengah malam ke if ada dateline nak meet. Kalau mood ke laut, siang layan netflix ke, astro go kt laptop. Malam I akan cover balik buat kerja. Flexible sangat cuma lebih baik kalau covid ni takde dah, and semua back to normal.

Gaduh laki bini tu biasa la. I ke yang tak bersyukur, mungkinla. Atau I terlalu demand ke? I don't think so. Kalau I demand, I minta husband I cari maid. I pun takkan buat semua kat rumah ni.. masak, cuci baju, cuci pinggan, sidai baju, lipat baju, setel anak semua, make sure dua2 orang tu ikut schedule PDPR. 

I wonder la.. ada ke husband and wife yang sentiasa 24 jam loving, sayang each other, tak pernah bergaduh.. semua indah je? For me, kitorang gaduh, kadang dua2 makan hati, sampai nangis2. I nangis, husband I nangis. Sebab benda kecik jela selalunya. Contoh : bila I beli beras, I akan beli beras wangi.. Bila husband beli, dia beli beras hancur. Benda macam ni pun boleh buat gaduh. From my point of view, gaji dia puluh2 k kot, bukan tak mampu. Benda nak bagi makan family. From his point of view, I tak bersyukur and takbur. I don't know. Bila fikir balik, mungkin dia pun main ambik je beras apa2 pun dekat mall tu. I syak kitorang ni dah stress duduk rumah.

It's okay.. by the time habis this year, I akan finish all my papers, my life will change 360 degrees. I nak manifest benda ni hari2. Insyaallah, aminn.

Sundae

Been so long since my last entry. Last week I ada cakap nak buat few things but I hanya mampu merancang.. Allah yang menentukan. I had my menses so I tak dapat buat la puasa straight seminggu 😑 I dapat few days jela but its ok. Effort is what matters kan.

16 days till Ramadhan. I dah dapat satu shake recipe using c&c which memang sedap. I think for Ramadhan, I akan all out jelah diet kan. Ada around sebulan setengah lagi so.. sempat sangat nak shed few more kgs. Since I first started my weight loss journey on early Feb'21, I have shed a total of almost 10kgs of weight. Insyaallah if I keep going doing things that I have learned from the support group, I'll be alright.

Last week jugak, my husband passed his assessment.. which die takut sangat tu. Because his superior and few of his colleague pun ada yang have to repeat the assessment again. But he did it the first time. I genuinely happy for him. 

His birthday is coming.. I had few activities planned already. So I hope all went as plan lah. I still follow diet, I would not say it is diet lah.. not strict coz u still have to stuff yourself with food. Cuma I dah belajar makan dengan portion yang betul, makan benda yang betul.. without having to suffer from starvation.

Chicken marinate w yogurt, pepper, salt.. with veges dipped with greek yogurt

Bekal I the other day.. masa dekat office. Yep, I actually dah mula rasa selesa makan macam ni. 

Weekend jugak I met my fren from uni.. we brought the kids to KL Bird Park. They had fun! Not our first time pun datang sini but this time I baru perasan ada hornbill. Amazed jap tengok. Super duper cantik.

Later on, we went off to kedai bunga favourite i. Sampai my daughter cakap mama kalau masuk kedai bunga mesti lama sebab tak tau nak pilih yang mana. Semua cantik2. 

Choice for the week

I ni normally bila masuk kedai akan terus nampak benda yang I nak. Means I dah grab this orange roses. Lepastu melilau lagi cari mana tahu nak tukar... then orange tadi letak balik. Somehow, after a while I mesti akan ambil balik orange tu semula sebab selalunya I akan patah balik dekat first choice I. I tak puas hati if tak pergi cari bunga lain tu yang jadi lama tu. Sedangkan if terus ambil je n bayar bunga first choice I tu, dah setel lama dah. Masalah orang perempuan kan.

That sum up last week punya cerita. Oh ya.. Neelofa dah kahwin semalam! I'm so so happy for her. Semoga perkahwinannya diberkati dan dilimpahkan rahmat oleh Allah swt. 

Husband I nak balik Khamis ni. So today jela last chance I nak kemas rumah before dia balik. Weekdays I kerja, memang tak lah nak kemas rumah teruk2. Till then, bye.

Bukan malaikat

I'm blogging while listening to Boyzone - No Matter What 😀 Almost 7am.. ade time sikit, so I think I just do some update here. 

I realise setiap manusia tu.. ada progress dia sendiri. Don't judge other that's what matters. Progress dalam hidup, progress emotionally.. progress in diet 😑.. haha.. afterall, we are just human. We are far from perfection.

As long as we try to improve ourselves everyday, we are gonna be okay.

Hidup di dunia ni.. cuma persinggahan. Sekejap je. Mungkin sehari, setahun, sepuluh tahun, seratus tahun.. lepas tu dah takde lagi. Semua yang ada dalam sistem ciptaan manusia ni, kita tak bawa masuk kubur pun. Selagi hidup, jadi je manusia yang beri manfaat kepada manusia lain. Alhamdulillah atas segala ujian dalam hidup I, menjadikan I manusia lebih baik hari ini, berbanding semalam. I sedar, my husband and I, we both bukan malaikat. Masing2 ada kekurangan.

I plan this week I nak puasa. Start from today. Sahur tadi I had my shake.. blend with all superfoods (kurma, chia seeds, madu kelulut). One thing yelah.. of course I nak shed weights. I've been cheating banyak sangat last week. Memang rasa bersalah but then.. like I said, I bukan malaikat and I'm not perfect haha..

Tapau lunch.. the healthiest yang I can choose hm..

Lunch semalam. This one diet approved

How sinful 😑

So this week, let's pretend I had braces and couldn't eat. Haha.. I nak sahur and buka with shake only the entire week. Wish me luck! My final leap of the month. I grew older dah, so I really need to take good care of my health la kan. Even though I don't know what the future holds. 

What I plan this week :

1. Fasting the whole week, sahur and buka with shake ONLY
2. Sembahyang zohor dekat surau awal. Not combine with asar haha.. Awal waktu please
3. Workout before buka puasa
4. Plank after subuh prayers
5. Try to study before sleep
6. If Allah woke me up at 4.30am, I should get up and be grateful to him by doing what I should

Insyaallah...

Yesterday my sister came over, then off we go to Titiwangsa. I tak naik basikal, I jogging ya.. But feels really good afterwards.

Balik taman, I pergi aeon stock up barang.. 9.30pm I still cooking for the kids. Untuk bekal diorang today. Mak2 macam ni lah. I takut I tak sempat. I tak sempat la nak bergayut dengan husband as usual malam ni.. so.. text will do lah kan. Deep down I know, but I just want to ignore for a while.. I'm afraid to put my expectation too high already. I love u too.

Till then, I should get ready for work now.